hi i am new member and hoping this site will help me with what i am going thru. i have been with husband for almost 16 yrs. we have two beautiful daughters ages 12 and 9. before we were married my husband struggled with alcoholism but after our first child was born he seemed to get a hold on it and things were good....not perfect but good. recently my husband has returned to his old ways id say the last two years have been bad and getting worse. leaving him is hard but staying is hard too.. i dont know what to do...i have had so many talks with him that i feel all talked out. i now feel myself sinking in a depression if someone out there is going thru this or has any advice would be helpful...thx

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kitsy:
<strong>hi i am new member and hoping this site will help me with what i am going thru. i have been with husband for almost 16 yrs. we have two beautiful daughters ages 12 and 9. before we were married my husband struggled with alcoholism but after our first child was born he seemed to get a hold on it and things were good....not perfect but good. recently my husband has returned to his old ways id say the last two years have been bad and getting worse. leaving him is hard but staying is hard too.. i dont know what to do...i have had so many talks with him that i feel all talked out. i now feel myself sinking in a depression if someone out there is going thru this or has any advice would be helpful...thx</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I am in a very similar situation...I have been married for 12 years with two great kids (8 and 6). My husband has been struggling with alcohol most of my married life. He is wonderful to me and provides a great life, but his drinking is making me feel like this marriage is hopeless. The pain and resentment I feel is almost unbearable and I have stuck with him for the love of my children. He is a classic "high functioning" alcoholic and drinks himself sick for a day, quits for a month, then BAM!...just when I begin to feel safe, he does it again. I feel your pain and hope we can talk about this an\s I feel very alone in this problem since I am ashamed for people to think I would live with such a big problem.

Good thoughts!
L

Get thee into Al-anon! It can restore your sanity and give you hope.

I just joined two weeks ago.

Al-anon

Check this site for a meeting in your area.

Susan <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Susan,

I went to one meeting a few years ago and saw a bunch of older women trying to deal with their drunk husbands. I cried openly at what I heard and left swearing that that would never be me! I am 35 and take good care of myself...I saw them and was horrified of my fate! Is it possible I hit a bad meeting? I want to be happy and would rather divorce than become an angry old woman. How have the meetings helped you?

Thanks for your time...It feels great to know I am not alone.

L

It's possible you hit a bad meeting. A good meeting involves individuals sharing
their own personal experience strength and hope. There is not a lot of advice-giving and other cross-talk.

In my meeting there are ladies of all ages, young and old. I'm 47.

We are not there to talk about the alcoholic. I am there to talk about ME.

It has certainly helped me. I suggest you try another meeting.

Like we say in Al-anon..."Keep coming back. It works if you work it."

Susan <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Thanks, Susan. The meeting I went to was one where the women read from a book and the spoke of their husband's. I went during the day and there was no one under the age of 60! I couldn't identify. Based of your info. I will plan to go again tomorrow night.

I guess I just don't have much hope that this will ever go away. It saddens me deeply and I am so unsure of what's best for me and my kids...I value marriage and feel divorce is definitely a last resort, but after 12 years, I feel I've put plenty of time, energy and effort forth.

Anyway, thanks for a listening ear. I'm grateful!

L

On Wednesdays we read from a book, either The Courage to Change or One Day at a Time followed by a sharing time. I go to a noon meeting.

On Fridays at noon we are doing a study of the Twelve Steps from Paths to Recovery.

I got my sponsor here on MB. She is the best!!!

I also recommend you get How Al-anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics. I have this entire book underlined. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You are right. It may not every go away. But there is hope and support. You may not be able to change the alcoholic, but you can change your reaction to his drinking.

God bless,
Susan <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hi kitsy and annonymous

Al-Anon might be for you to learn how to deal with an alcoholic, but also for your partners there is AA.

I know, maybe they don't want to go at first, but please try. At least one meeting.

What I have learned is that alcoholism is a progresive sickness. Also, what is really important in AA is that they teach you a new way of life.

When I went the first time I thought I was going to encounter with a bunch of old man drunk or in the latest effects of it. WRONG!!!

There is people from all ages, and I can tell you my groups is very small (10 to 15 ppl). We are already 4 ladies there, and the sharing and listening DO helps a lot to understand the why, and what to do about it. Please if you can ask your S for it.

Take care and good luck

annoynomous...my husband drinks mostly every day he doesnt know when to stop...without the drinking my husband is a wonderful person as well as a good father but since he has gotten into this rut..i feel like a single parent..i work in nursing and go to work every day and come home to take care of my kids...i do not have an outside life as my husband is rarely home...he drinks and drinks and then after i have tossed and turned wondering if he will show up in the am. to get the kids off to school as i have to be to work for 7 am ....this has affected my job as well..somedays he is not here and i have to call into work...this is crazy...but i do love him because i know underneath this he is a great guy...recently i had to go off midnight shift because he would be out all night drinking and my kids would be home alone...he knows this is terrible and promises to stop and it is good for a week sometimes not quite that long and then the same thing all over....i find him very selfish and it hurts me to watch my children have less and less respect for him...i know he loves his children and me but love is just not enough without proving it...over the summer i found myself starting to drink and i dont do that i never have been a drinker...finally i had to check myself and say what are you doing!!!..my kids need me...

well he came home after promising to quit again, drunk again...we had a disscussion. i think i had mental breakdown...so tired of it all that i blew..i said to him you promised to quit drinking! do you have any intention of doing that? his respose to me was NO. he has no intention of stopping...i said even if it means your family? he said i cant stop... he has decided rather than get help and stay with his family that he will leave.. so i guess thats that..i think he is gonna be one lonely person i hope for him his drinking buddies are enough to fill his life..i am not a weak person by any means so i will be ok im sure of that..and my children are very confident girls and i will ensure them to be content as possible with this decision..but if he feels he doesnt WANT to stop then i feel there is no longer a purpose for this relationship to go on.. so i will wish him well and hope he finds his damn mind hes lost..

Hi Kitsy,

I so feel for you and can relate to everything you said. I am positive you and your girls will be better off without him. Drinking is poison that makes the man you love into a worthless loser. It hurts because you hear of so many men you start AA and never drink again. Why can't my husband??? My husband is a very good, very involved dad and I can't stand the thought of them not seeing him everyday. My H has been trying deseprately to stop completely for almost a year now. He has made a ton of progress, but still falls off the wagon sometimes and makes my world crumble. Wouldn't it be so much easier if we didn't have to be there for the kids? They need us so much and, without a functioning dad, we get to pick up twice the load...not exactly fair, huh? I know I don't want to grow into a bitter, angry woman and have to believe that a better life exists for us. Please keep faith in that and do something nice for yourself. Can you find someone to watch the girls to give you a few hours alone? Try to really care for yourself as you're girls will be lost without a strong mom. It's not our fault that we wound up with alcoholic husbands. You can be happy again, just take steps to make the future better for you. Many are in your shoes and are pulling for you.

Smile,
Annoynomous

hi annoynomous...thanks for all your encouragement...but again im going up the steep hill of the rollar coaster...he has (tadah) decided he cant live without us and that we are the most important. hmm how many times have i heard this.. well if i had a nickle for every time well you know how that saying goes...but each time he is sooooo remorseful..and of course i am so gullable (but really i dont think its gullibilty but moreso hope)....he tells me today he does have a problem and has gone overboard...ok ...but...but...he still wont really give it up..he says if he can have one day a week to drink with his friends and i can pick him up so he dont drive...i would have no problem with this if i thought it could work like that..im afraid he is fooling himself to think he can do this...sigh..well here we go again....yes i do think i should get out....but i am not the partying type of person..i have decided to join a gym again....i used to work out and i enjoy this as i am an athletic type...so this is my plan for an outlet...its so hard and im glad i have someone to talk to about this but i wish you didnt have to go thru it as i know the cost...it does make us such good moms as we have to compensate for the loss of fatherhood... please feel free to talk to me just as free..im so glad your husband is making progress; i so hope for you that he does conquer it...boy wouldnt that be wonderful if he could beat it ...thanks again and my thoughts are with you...

well one good day behind me he came home right after work.. he brought beer home but at least he wasnt drunk...i am going to try to find one of those meetings talked about for people dealing with alcoholics so i can maybe get some help with dealing...so im prepared for the bad and have some type of support...if he could only see what a wonderful man he is without the alcohol...i pray every nite we will get thru this and he will get help but so far he hasnt decided he needs help....he insists on trying to fix this himself...i want to believe him but i just cant...although i stated that to him i also added that i love him and want him to succeed so our family is healthy

anoynomous...hi if your out there i have a question for you...did you ever make it to that al-anon meeting...i am curious how it was..i have looked it up and found there is a meeting tonight in my town....but now i am reluctant to go maybe because this is my town and it is a small town and im afraid to run into people i know i guess....(the embarassment)..maybe i should go to one out of town...i also had a moment of denial....and thought for a second...what if i made a terrible mistake(even tho i know i have not) and my husband is not an alcoholic (duh) so i took the test ..which i answered yes to all but three...hmmm that proves that..i guess i am afraid to deal with it...the clock ticks and i sit here thinking..do i go ....dont i go...i dont know

Hi kitsy. I'm not anoynomous, but I wanted to reply.

Al-anon can help. I took the test and answered NO to every question. Al-anon can help even if your husband gets sober. The distorted thinking that comes as a result of the disease does not just go away.

Please don't go to a meeting in another town. You can relax. If you see someone you know there, you can be sure that they have felt the pain that you have felt. What is said there in those rooms stays there. That is what makes Al-anon work. You can go and just sit and don't say a word. Just listen to the people share what has helped them. No one is going to judge you.

I'm afraid if you go to a meeting out of town, it will make it harder to go, so you will be less likely to go.

I've been going for three weeks now. I was afraid I would know people there too. Then I was afraid I wouldn't know anyone. I go on Wednesdays and Fridays. This past week I have gone to lunch with some of the ladies after the meeting. I've made new friends and I can see where some of the best and trusted friends I have could come from my Al-anon group.

You would not believe how I look forward to those meetings. Now it is a long time between Friday and the next Wednesday. I may have to look for a Monday meeting...lol

Please try it once. You will not be sorry. You will find support and sanity.

Susan <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

thanks so much susan for taking the time to answer my question i really appreciate your take on it....i did however miss tonights meeting as i just couldnt get my mind made up...i spose your rite if i do see those i know...they are in the same boat as me and really cant judge me....i just feel like im coming out of the closet because i am a very happy outgoing person and people would be shocked to know i am so so sad sometimes in side...because i dont show it....i guess i leave this house and put on a public face and display to the world that my life is perfect...but i will really think about the next meeting for sure...i think it would be benificial to me and to my family

A beautiful young girl shared the same thing at the meeting this week. On the outside she has a beautiful smile.

She said that most of her friends have no idea about her life. And when they ask how she is, she always smiles and says "fine".

Then she sadly said "and they have no idea I am dying inside." She said "I really wish that I could tell them, but I just can't. They would never understand."

Kitsy, that is what is so wonderful about Al-anon. Everyone there has been right where you are. There you have old timers who are so wise and helpful and newcomers in tremendous pain.

I encourage you to take advantage of this.

Susan

susan i am so grateful to you for all your words of encouragement and i think i have decided to give it a shot...i mean right now what do i have to lose....yes my husband is not ready to go to AA...i dont know how he will accept my going to this meeting because like i told ya he feels he likes to drink but he is not an alcoholic ...but i do intend to go.... in our town our meetings are only once a week so i guess i have to wait til then although the neighboring town 15 min away also has a once a week meeting...so next week i will try the meeting and if i feel it can work for me i will maybe attend the one in the other town too.....two good days behind me...he came home for supper(the first time in a month we ate supper together) instead of his regular (have a FEW beers after work with the guys and get home at 10 or so) yes he did have friends here last night and worked on a couple cars...had a few beers...but only a few...spent time with his girls...that was nice...gosh if i could just frame a day like this...

I am not an alcoholic, however, I would like to talk to you from an alcholic standpoint.

He DOES love you...He DOES want never to drink again...He DOES want to be everything you want him to be!

He has an addiction. The addiction is Alcoholism (workaholic, drug addiction, food addiction, gambling addiction) He is constantly in a battle with this addiction. CONSTANT! Yes, it is possible for the urge to subside, but its always there when he least needs it. When he is suppose to be the strongest, there it is, rearing its ugly head. And there seems no way out except to give in.

He is NOT doing this to turn against you, he is NOT doing this to spite you, He is NOT doing this becauses he's a jerk. He has an addiction. No different than being possessed by aliens sometimes (as you see in the movies). This addiction can be controlled, but it NEVER goes away. He is not a bad boy, needing to be punished. He needs support, someone who knows where he's at, and what he's going through, someone who's been there themselves, someone who he can see that has been living with the same addiction he has, and is surviving.

This is where the AA program (as well as other 12 step programs) come in. These people can help. But, you can help too. How? By allowing him to take care of himself (If you want a man, think him so) My suggestion, get to ALANON ASAP! Don't stop going, go to different meetings, seeing assorted people, hearing different stories, go to open AA meetings, so that you can hear from those who have been through it, that these are not guys trying to punish you with their drinking. They have the disease of addiction...and soon you will learn that we have it too...our behavior starts getting nuts...and this is where Alanon comes in for us...to help us to learn ourselves and to take care of ourselves...and in turn, that helps him (An alcoholic who has a wife who follows the Alanon program cannot continue to live in the manner he has become accustomed to living...therefore, usually sobriety is the result, however, divorce is also an option, but by then, you will have learned the essentials of taking care of yourself...and have the support you need)

The end of the preaching....