<BR>My H moved back home yesterday. It's been 5 weeks since d-day, OW 9wks PG. Appt with attorney for us went well, I didn't cause a scene...The good news is, CS here won't date back to the birth date, but the date she files. Attny said don't push for DNA testing, don't do anything. She has told H she wants nothing from him, so maybe she'll wait a few years before she changes her mind and H and I can become strong again.<P>Last night we had dinner together and watched TV with our 3 year old daughter, it went well. Then at bedtime he started to head for the spare bedroom, and I told him that I had missed him and would he please sleep with me. (he has been out since d-day) H almost started crying. I counldn't believe it either, more unbelievable, H attempted making love this am and then backed off and asked permission. I thought it would be years before I would feel comfortable with that!! But ya know what, it went okay, actually I felt stronger afterward and he said "you are my wife" I felt so much relief I guess, last week I was so angry still and so hurt that I didn't know if this would ever come, but now it feels....better??? It's hard to explain, maybe someone could help. I almost feel guilty for letting him come home, and then letting him sleep with me???? What will people say?? <P>

Mojo7,<P>Don't worry about what others say!! It is your marriage, and your choice whether you let H home and into your home, heart, bed, etc. You have to live with your decisions, not them. NO ONE has a right to judge you. They haven't been in your shoes.<P>You are lucky you are in a state where CS doesn't date back to birth. I think it depends on where she files, hopefully she won't move. We naively believed OW when she said she wanted nothing from H, nothing to do with him. She changed her mind when OC was almost 3, and decided to file for support. We too were told that it would only go back to filing date. Not true. Only if parents were living together or married, since it was assumed support was being provided. Yuck. $20,000 for believing OW. <P>Glad your H has moved home, and that you feel comfortable enought to be intimate with H. We slept together the same night he told me of affair. The emotions etc were flowing strongly, and we just ended up crying, kissing and you can guess the rest.<P>I think you are on the right track. There is no right answer for any one person. When you are ready for things, they happen. It was great that he realized you might not be ready. Point for H!!<P>happy_girl

Mojo,<BR>Good to hear things are already getting better. Dont worry about what other people think it dont matter. What matters is what you think. I'm happy for you most people that havent been through this will think your nuts so pooh on them. with love flowerseed

MoJo,<P>Don't judge yourself too harshly. For me I initiated the first intimacy 8 days after D-day (and then every day for the next 10 days). I too was worried about what it could all mean. My counselor said to stop worrying about it. She said maybe it meant staking a claim, or saying "if sex was the problem, we can fix that" or maybe it was just a great stress reliever, or who knows. The point was that I was free to say what I wanted. If I had tried it and then felt bad about myself for it, I didn't have to repeat it. I could do what felt right for me. That's what you should do for yourself.<P>Mrs. Job

MoJo,<BR> How wonderful for the two of you!! That makes my heart smile . And like the others said, dont worry about what others think..this is you marriage and your husband and you have every right in the world to make love to him.<BR>God bless,<BR>bw

Dear Mojo,<P>When I saw your post, I had to take time to reply. I have lived my whole life worrying about what other people would think. It is a horrible trait that I got from my mother. This entire episode with the OW/OC has taught me one valuable lesson -- no one else lives in my skin but me and no one else has the right to determine what makes me happy, what makes me sad, what makes me sing -- but me.<P>By your standards I must certainly have a screw loose -- I made love to my H the day after D-day and every day thereafter for at least 30 days. We were like lunatic rabbits and the sex was better than it ever was. <P>At first it seemed like desperation, we were both clinging to each other because we were unsure of the future. Then, it grew into the deepest sense of intimacy that we have known in our marriage. The difference between you and the OW is that you are his wife. You experience true intimacy with your H that comes from shared experiences, shared memories, a lifetime of shared love. The OW had sex and I say it all the time -- so do walruses.<P>Enjoy every moment of your H re-committing to you and your marriage. Let that lovemaking sweep that OW right out of his head and yours. And let it also build the foundation for a greater love than you have ever known.<P>It will come, Mojo, if you put your trust in God's hands and open up the lines of communication with your H. Talk to him and don't stop until you really know him. Until you really know how he is feeling and you hear his secrets. But listen with love, not with anger. <P>You sound like you are on your way. We are all here to help you whenever you need it.<P>I am absolutely thrilled for you.<P>love,<BR>heavenly

heavenly,<BR>are you sure you're not my twin? I used to wish I was adopted...<P>ditto what she said. You're doin' great mojo!

mrs. job,<P>the "if sex was a problem, we'll fix it" comment was soo "us". that totally describes how my feelings were. i had been withholding sex, sometimes knowingly, othertimes for lack of any want to have sex. when he told me of the affair, and how she offered sex, he was weak and took it, it hit me at that moment that it was all my fault. you want sex?? we'll have sex. it was also emotional but like heavenly said, sex was great for like a month, i guess i should just say very frequent. guess i have a few screws loose too. i just read that sentence and thought hey, that was me! and loved the walrus sentence too. he he. <P>reason#234 that i love this place...<P>happy_girl<BR>

Mojo you go girl. Ditto what Heavenly said. <P>My H moved home first time and we were like lunatics too!!!heh heh heh<P>He is so wonderful to be with. Now it's every night!! I swear!! Honeymooners all over again!!!!<P>I do not worry about others any more. They will accept us or not. Don't worry. YOU are his wife.<P>Prayers for your continued healing.<P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Hi MoJo7,<P>I have to say that the response to your post were<BR>helpful to me too. I also spent most of my life worrying<BR>what everyone else thought-What A Waste Of Time!<BR>Still the fact that people do judge and jump to conclusions<BR>bothers me, too.<P>Your husband sounds remorseful and grateful to be home<BR>and in YOUR arms. Though it is tough, reconnect if you<BR>can. My h and I have an incredible intimacy now (after<BR>months of nagging images in my head).<P>Good luck and keep posting...take care of yourself!<BR>Love, Donna<P>

When my counselor asked me, "How could you become intimate with your husband within hours of finding our he had betrayed you?" <P>This guy was absolutely appalled. He was a counselor and he was shocked. So I became embarrassed and wondered what was wrong with me that within a couple hours of hearing that my husband had been unfaithful to be, began to cry, beg my forgiveness, then asked me if we could go to bed...and I said yes through my tears and my pain...it just seemed like the most natural thing in the world. We were desperately trying to reconnect and get back to 'us'. We had sex three time that night. Not one, not two, but three times. We had never done that in twernty years together. Not even on our honeymoon.<P>This went on for two weeks until d-day II when I found out that the OW was pregnant. Same thing happened...more 'reestablishing and reconnecting' went on all night long. Then continued like that for the next four or five months. My counselor implied I had lost my dignity and that I should leave my husband after what he had done to me. I remember nodding solemnly and decided to leave my conselor.<P>The sex thing isn't really about sex, MoJo...it is all about staking out your territory. And it is as important to your husband as it is to you. It is very healing. it is a gift from God to you and to your husband to use to comfort and enjoy together..for you two alone. It does fade memories of the OW, too. Makes her insignificant in the big picture. Kind of a win-win, n'est pas?<P>Catnip =^^=

MoJo,<P>We had a similar conversation about resuming intimacy at the beginning of May. I found the old thread and bumped it back up near the top for you. It is titled "How long after Dday did you.....you know"<P>Mrs. Job