Hi - Is this a normal reaction? After D-day and for almost 6 months after I begged and did everything I could to reconsile with my husband. I have been in Plan B for the last 10 months and my husband and I just started counseling together. Now suddenly when this is what I thought I wanted sooooooo much I feel confused.<P> I have these sneaking doubts...will I ever really be able to trust him again? Suppose this is not the first time, just the first time he got caught? I have come so far with my own emotional state. From someone diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder to doing fairly well. I am finacially stable, my kids and I have come through the fire and are stronger than ever, I've started to develop a social network etc. Do I want to put up with an OC child with my husband's first and last name? Do I want to subject my children to that? <BR> I finally feel strong and am afraid I guess. I also wonder if this isn't my anger coming in to sabotage me. I never really got angry. I felt too strongly that it took 2 people to have marriage difficulties (not that I agree with his way of making himself feel better!!) I have spent all my mental energy on trying to figure out what went wrong and helping my children cope. I never really dealt I guess with how betrayed I felt. And how angry I was. I was always in either Plan A (being nice as pie) or Plan B (where we had NO contact).<BR> Are these conflicting feelings normal? <BR> Kris

Hi Kris,<P>Absolutely!!! I forgot about doing that. For about 10 months after d-day I was the only one working on our marriage. My H could have cared less if I was there or not. Then when he decided he wanted to me together all of a sudden I was like...well now I dont know if I want You. I had gotten some control back in my life and didnt want to give it up agian. I had the same nagging questions in my head that you do. Plus I had gained some of my self confidence back and wondered if my reasons for staying with him were right. I questioned myself. <BR> Go to counseling...make sure for yourself and your kids. <BR> Good luck and God bless<BR>Love <BR>bw

Hey Guys,<P><BR> Dr. Harley says this a very common reaction by BS. After months of pouring everthing you've got into plan A, WS comes around, and leaves BS wondering if they were worth it.<BR> I guess this is just a phase of recovery. You will get through it. At least you know you are in recovery.<P><BR> Try to read Dr. Harleys " Surviving an Affair". This is covered in detail.<P> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

QM,<P>I am sure that your feelings are perfectly normal. Allowing your H back into your life leaves you open for hurt again. No wonder you are questioning things.<P>I explained learning of A and OC as if I were trying to walk in an earthquake. (We were in the Loma Prieta/San Francisco earthquake of '89). You try to walk and the ground is moving <BR>underneath you. You put your foot where the floor should be and the floor is 1/4" below where it should be and the next step the floor is higher than it should be. We were thrown to the floor and had to crawl to get away from our huge picture windows. (They didn't break and we were unhurt, but many others weren't so lucky.)<P>Our marriages should be rock solid places of refuge and when our spouse betrays us with an affair, many of things that we assumed to be true in our lives turn out to not be true.<P>My ambivilence came and went and came and went in short spurts. I assume that that was because we didn't separate but it took H about 8 months to come out of the fog and fully recommit to our marriage. We are only about 5 weeks into what I would really call recovery and are dealing with the disrupted adoption at the same time. That is what finally woke him up and broke the hold of guilt that the OW was using to manipulate him.<P>Mrs. Job