I really do need some suggestions on this one. My ex-husband and have been in conflict for many years. We are currently in counciling, but it seems very slow going. I have tried to get him to study the Marriage Builders tools but he seems stuck on an incident we had, and does not wish to get involved with the MB tools. Here's the problem. He and I were divorced because of this incident. Basically, he had made a deal with my son, my son at the time was 16. My son had asked me for some money before school, and my husband stepped in and said he would give my son $15 to mow the lawn at his house (it's about a half mile from the home we were living in) My son agreed, my husband then said that he would give him $10, but he also wanted my son to push the mower to the house. My son again agreed. My son was waiting to be picked up by his girlfriends at the time(to go to school). I suggested to my husband that I could drop the mower off at the house. My husband asked to stay out of it. So I do, but I was not happy. My feeling was that he still held old resentment toward my son, which was way he wanted him to push the mower. My son went off to school. Over coffee, he told me that this was new beginings with my son and would lead to more work for my son. That it was an opportunity for my son to prove that he was a man of his word and responsible. I was still feeling that there was more to it than that. That afternoon while on my way home from work, my son called, concerned about pushing the mower to the home. I suggested that he find someone to go with him. He called later and said that it was too far and asked if grandma could drop it off for him, since she was at our home at the time. I knew there was going to be trouble, but I told it, ok. My husband then called me and asked if my son had mowed the lawn, I told him that he had not and that grandma was going to drop him off the next day to mow lawn. My husband was furious and said that the deal was off and that he wanted me to get the $10 back from my son. After aruguing about this my husband became distant and eventually we seperated. Several months later he filed for divorce. Now almost two years later, we are still discussing that incident. He says that he needs closure on it before we can move any further. He needs me to realize where I went wrong and appologize for it. Now we are and odd couple, we have been together for 13yrs. We have a daughter together, which we had before we married. She was five when we married. We have fought about money, and the kids. I had 2, he one and one together. We lived as a married couple for 6 weeks. There is a lot of history behind us, which is why I felt he was going kind of hard on my son, by making him push the lawn mower. Being that he and I both had a vehicle to drop the mower off in. I do not feel that I was completely in the wrong, so saying I'm sorry would not be sincere. Can anyone offer any suggestions on this one, or am I in a lose-lose situation? Thanks

CirceMyth:

It' sdifficult to believe that a couple would divorce over ONE incident. And, you are vague when you refer to your long history with this man.

I think we need some detail here. But, it sounds as if you two are at odds regarding child rearing...especially in a blended family.

May we know more about the background of your relationship ? ...

Believe it or not that one incident led to divorce. As I mentioned before we have a long history together. A great deal of it did involve child rearing, he had his way and I had mine. I made the mistake of allowing him and his son to move into my home, because he began to try to tell me how to raise my children. He on the other had was very hard on his son. He son was a very difficult child, ie. hitting, bitting, screaming, etc. I'd never met a child like that. There has been so many break ups between me and my ex since began our relationship. He would become frustrated with me if I didn't take his advice regarding child rearing, spending money or handling friendships. I began to feel that he was in some ways very demanding. And resentment toward him soon began. He moved out of the home and moved back in several months later. We continued on fighting about the kids. If he felt I was defending my kids, he would look for things they might be doing wrong. Picking on them, which he has said in therapy that he was wrong for doing. He moved out the after our daughter was born. From then until the day we married, we continued to get break up and get back together. I think we have become a joke to our friends and family. When we married we had agreed to try to work together on the situations that had caused us to break up in the past. Then the issue I asked about in my first post occured. He felt I was defending my son and I felt that he was picking on my son. At that time he wanted an appology from me for having gotten involved. I suggested that we should have met half way and he felt that I should have just stayed out of it. Afer that incident he started staying out after work and sleeping on the couch. I kept trying to be nice, but I never did do what he wanted, which was to say I'm sorry. He began being snippy with me and doing it in front of the kids. I was being pushed to the edge. Finally we had our final blow up when he told me he was going out. He moved out after that. He filed for divorce a few months later. Before, during and after the divorce we have continued to work it out. And have failed. Which brings us to where we are now. We have been going to counceling, we had both agreed to use the tools our therapist had given up and things were going pretty good. Then his insecurities kicked in and he again began asking me if I had been sleeping around since he moved out. I have reassured him time and time again that I have not. From that he moved to the incident that broke us up and again began telling me that he needs closure on it. He says that he needs this closure in order to move on. And with out it, he does not wish to move on. I just don't know how to give him this, if I don't feel that I was completely wrong. Had he and my son never had any issues between them, I would have viewed the agreement to mow the lawn as being innocent. But because of the past, I suspected that there was more to it. So again I ask, how do I offer him the closure that he needs?? Thanks again for you help.

CM :

I suppose this sounds simplistic but here goes. What sort of closure is he looking for ? I understand that someone might be upset about a principle that they are defending....but this goes beyond the pale.

Unless he can tell you what sort of closure HE wants your efforts are fruitless. I also am trying to see his motivation for wanting closure to this incident. Did you say you were sorry? (Or does that enable his behavior?)
Did you come up with a policy to discipline the children that you can both agree to?

My thoughts on this are he is either incredibly insecure, that there is something else missing here or that your relationship was so fragile that minor issues became mountains.

You did hit on something that our counsoler has stated before. He has told us that my H is very insecure. I have not told him out right that I am sorry, because I don't feel that I was completely wrong. He feels that with out the closure that he needs, which is basically me saying that I was wrong for having gotten involved and in the future I would agree to stay out of any agreements that he may enter into with either of my sons. A situation may occur again of the like. The one thing my ex H does do is "What if's". We have actually gotten into arguements regarding noting more than a what if. Another thing he does is plays out the "What if's" with him knowing both sides. In other words, he'll tell me how I will react to something before it ever happens. And in his mind my reaction is always uncooperative. I give thought to whatever it is we are discussing and then tell him how I would react to the situation. After hearing my thoughts he will still insist he is correct about my reaction. One of the most frustating things about this man is when he insists on telling me what I think, feel, or will do. Our counsoler has told him that he has two issues that need to be work on, being insecure and controlling. I've been giving this matter a great deal of thought, and what I do fear is if I just caved in. And told him what he feels he needs to hear, I fear he would take it and use it in further discussions. I'm afraid it would turn into "If you wouldn't have done this, we would never have divorce" etc. Our Counsoler told us that once we have resolved a situation, we are to take it to the grave yard and bury. And it is not to be brought up again. My problem is often times I have taken things to the graveyard even though they have not been resolved. Often times, I feel as if I am beating a dead horse, so I just let it go. Recently, when we discussed this, I told him about how I am able to try and move on with out an appology. He said it is because I knew somewhere deep down inside that I was wrong, so of course I am able to put it aside. I do thank you for taking the time to reply to my post, if nothing else my posting this is helping me work it out in my head. I spoke to his brother yesterday, and he mentioned to me that my ex H and him had spoken. He does try to point his brother in the right direction, but he doesn't really listen to him either. He did say that my H, wants an appology for the incident, even if I don't feel I did anything wrong. He asked my H, if I was to lie to him and tell him that I was sorry and it was all my fault, would he be satisfied with that. My H, told him he would. His brother told him that he needs help. His brother and I have been friends since before I was involved with my H. He is married to my best friend. There are but a few more stones left unturned. I would very much like to close the door to that incident, but I'm not sure how to do short of just giving him what he wants.