I was just reading gem's description about how her h doesn't feel that he loves oc like he loves his child with gem, and how he feels badly because of that.<P>My h struggles with the same thing. He says that at this moment in time, he feels toward the oc just as he would towards any "strange" child. He thinks that Darling is cute and all, but he doesn't feel any intense connection with her like he does our boys. He has no real love or feelings towards her other than a general concern for her welfare. H is very concerned that he will never love Darling like he does our boys, and suffers great guilt and turmoil over this. It is an especially difficult thing for him to be worrying about because his parent singled him out as the "least favorite" child growing up, and he is afraid of unintentionally doing that to Darling. My h is the most loving and compassionate man I know, and as such, I have tried to reassure him that in time he will begin to bond more with Darling. And I have been reminding him that we have never even had an opportunity to visit with Darling on our own yet. I think that when ow is not around making h tense, he will be able to relax more and get to know Darling better. (So far during visits h acts like he has a stick up his butt and doesn't say too much at all. He just leaves the warming up to Darling to me, because he thinks that as a mother, I have some kind of natural gift for relating to children.)<P>What I am wondering is, do anybody else's wandering husbands actually love oc like they do the children of the marriage? I am not really asking this about the guys who are raising their wife's oc as their own, because I think that is an entirely different situation - I already know those guys here love oc like their own (although gregg and others are more than welcome to chime in!) I guess what I am really wanting to know is - am I right in assuring my h that he will eventually love Darling as much as the boys? <P>And, do any of the betrayed spouses in my shoes think that they do/could love oc as one of their own? While I am fairly confident about my ability to love and cherish Darling, I have to admit to being a little nervous that I will somehow fall short of loving her like I do my own precious sons.<P>Any thoughts?<BR>-cd

My H says that he loves the boys we were trying to adopt more than he has ever loved any other child. However, I know that he loves his daughter, the OC, very much. He denies it a bit, but when we are with her it just shines out of him. That's hard for me to have to see, but he says that I am also glowing when I play with her, but he can see moments of pain wash over me too. I think for us it might be easier because we became involved in her life (as much as you can be cross-country) just as she left dependent-infancy and was developing a personality and heading into toddler-hood. We are watching her grow and change by visiting every few months and updates and photos.<P>I don't like how she came into our lives, but I now look forward to being her step-mom. I don't know if I will love her as my own; she simply isn't. I have no doubt that I will come to love her in time and with more time spent together. Bonding is, at least in part, born out of proximity. If we were rasing her, then my answer would be "yes." I loved our boys and they weren't genetically "our own." I am a notorious child-bonder although I have never been crazy about infants. They remind me too much of my infertility. H and I are everyone's favorite aunt and uncle. <P>H asked if when she gets old enough she can stay a week with us, and then as she gets older could she spend some holidays or even the summer? I looked at him as if he were crazy. I said "of course she can. She is your daughter, if you want to have that much contact we will work it out." Aside from the pain of how she came into my life, I see this as a step-parenting issue. When we still thought we were adopting a little girl as well, I was just going to put a trundle bed in her room for when OC got old enough to come visit.<P>I must be crazy, but I can only tell you that I am not letting myself be trampled on. I am making decisions regarding OC that are right for me. Maybe because I don't have kids yet, she is an outlet for those very, very strong maternal instincts and she is no threat to my children, because I don't have any yet. And any children that we do adopt will be very used to adverse life circumstances already. Adoption is *not* just like birth; adoption involves loss--loss of birth family, loss of genetic connection, loss of privacy, loss of racial identity, culture, etc. I am used to the idea that all of life involves moments of great joy and great pain. Gains and losses.<P>Mrs. Job

I know that my husband loves the OC and i am sure once we go for partial custody he will love oc more, but unlike some of the affiars i have read aboout my husbands was long term, the ow was his best friend, and he did love the ow. i think, i think just an opinion of mine, that MAYBE the lenght of the affair and the emotional attachment that was in the affair may attribute to how the father feels. I could be completely wronge becaus ei have read how some one night stands occured and the mm and bs have opened their hearts to the oc. I also think maybe the ow 'attitude" may contribute to mm feelings. is she /was she a bit&& towards the bs? I don't know i know my husbands bond is closer with our child but our cghild lives with us and he is with her every day. i think every man is different.

H's affair was 7 years long and he loved OW. I don't know if that might be the difference. For him, it might just be that this will be his only biological child. He says no, the A had nothing to do with getting a child. "You breed dogs, not people. I told you I don't care about passing on my genese and I meant it. The pregnancy was a complete accident, a failure of birth control (broken condom). He remembers with great fear the night the condom broke and he panicked that she might become pregnant and he would never be able to be truly rid of the mess he made.<P>Mrs. Job

<BR>CD-my 2cents<P>Have you ever read the book The Little Prince? (I hope I got the title right.) In it is a parable that we love what we put our time and attention on, have a history with (like spouses ). The prince in the book loves a rosebush that he has put so much nurturing time into. I think kids are like roses. We good parents invest so much of our time emotions money... we give them the best we've got to offer (not just materially), even when we're screwing up, and we give it 24/7. I think this time and commitment level is the soil/toil of our love, irregardless of biology. In cases where the commitment comes with greater difficulty: despite rape or adultery or with hurdles of infertility or adoption, the emotions are higher and commitment/love even more grand!!<P>You and your H couldn't "afford" to put yourselves out to OC emotionally when you couldn't see her and knew you might never see her regularly--no one wants a broken heart or the ugly scenes between parents that often result from divorce or adultery. But with the strong possibility of joint or primary custody... I think your H CAN learn to love OC and so can you. It takes time, the willingness to try, getting over the fears. <P>H and I do not love OC like our kids; we've never even met her and if we did it would just break our hearts. I know her mother loves her more right now. But we care about her and if she lived with us, we'd learn to love her too.<P>You're doing great CD! Tell your H to live by faith not fear.

Jenny,<P>I remember that book...actually I still have it in storage somewhere..very good analogy.<P>Cd,<P>I know I could never love anyone quite the same as I do my daughter. She is my everything. Not that if couldnt be a close second or not that I am not aware of this. I have a step-daughter who is 7. She has been in my life since she was 3. I love her very very much, but I am not going to lie and say that it is the same. I want everthing in the world for both of them and I will sacrifice some of what could be solely my D's to include my step-daughter. I hope that didnt come out wrong...what I mean is that if I can not afford it for the 2 of them, then it is not fair to do for one and not the other. So I do believe you can love oc almost as much. I believe you can love any child almost as much. I think it is just a little different when they are "yours". And my step-D is not "ours". We share her and pay more than half of her expenses..man am I rambling.<P>Anyway, my H does not ever talk about oc. He seems sad sometimes about her, but usually indifferent. I do not know what actually goes on in his head. I do not believe oc is the same as his other two kids, if for no other reason, he has never met oc. he wishes her well, but well, I do not know. Not sure if I would get the truth even if I asked.<P>love<P>Chelle