Hi all,<P>I saw my counselor last night. She thinks that I am grieving the loss of the adoption and that my depression is back. We had a good session. I cried a lot, but she and I connected very well for the first time. It hasn't been a real good match, but I didn't want to begin the process of looking for someone else.<P>We see marriage counselor tonight and that is a great match. Can I marry our marriage counselor? Probably, not huh? I have heard a lot of women say that they have a crush on their male marriage counselor. A friend who is a social worker said "Why not? A man who really listens to you and understand all about emotions is what every woman wants." Though you gotta wonder what they are like away from work.<P>I see my shrink next Wednesday.<P>I still cry a lot (not about the affair or the OC, but about the broken adoption). I still can't concentrate at work, forget things, feel more dead than alive inside, and have very little will to get me through all this. <P>Thank you again for the prayers and support. I am trying to stay busy and do things that I like. I want to paint the nanny's room. We were going to have live-in help after the adoption and I never got around to redecorating that room.<P>Mrs. Job<P>Mrs. Job

Mrs Job,<P>I don't think that I have posted to you before, but this post brought tears to my eyes, and a lump in my throat! I am so sorry that you are still having a hard time with the broken adoption. I know how it feels to loose a child in a similar manor. I gave a child up for adoption when I was about 19. She is now 13 1/2yrs old. In fact, H and I were talking about it just last night, that we may be getting a call in 4 1/2 yrs from her. I know how much it hurt after we signed those adoption papers, and how much it still hurts at times! I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for healing for you and your H. I can just imagine how it feels after having them in your home, day to day, and then having someone take them back! Hope you are feeling better soon.<P>Love,<P>Tigger

more prayers to you,<BR>J (who's also had a crush on a counselor)

Tigger,<P>I am so sorry that you have know the pain of placing a child for adoption. That must have been a very hard decision to make.<P>That is exactly what a friend of mine compared our situation to us. She is an adoption social worker and a marriage counselor, but right now she is staying home with her 3 children that they adopted. She talked about back when most adoptions were "closed" adoptions and birth parents had no contact with the child and the children had no way to find birth parents. The birth parents spent the rest of their lives scanning crowds, looking for a face that might be familiar and the kids spent their time wondering about what their birth parents were like.<P>She told us that every time we see a film from Russia for the rest of our lives we will scan the faces in the crowd. These kids that I held in my arms last summer will be alive somewhere, anywhere in the world and we will never again be allowed to contact them; we will never know if they are OK. I won't even list all the awful places my imagination can carry me on that one. We have heard that they are going to Italy this summer to stay with an Italian family with the hopes of getting them adopted. I pray that if they can't be ours, that they are adopted by a nice couple. No one at the agency will tell us if and when that happens. We are cut off from all communication with them and will get no further information about them. I can't imagine what they must think happened to us and why we have stopped writing. I pray to God that they know that we love them and that somehow they figure out they we really did try to adopt them. Almost every other kid who came over on the program last summer has been adopted by their host family.<P>I feel like I want to fly to Russia and try to find them. We know what city they are in, but that is it. I want to hug them one last time and give them back their teddy bears. In the confusion of loading all those kids back on a bus to go back to the airport and fly back to Russia, they forgot their teddy bears. Now we sleep with them.<P>I have even mentioned to H about getting a divorce and my adopting them as a single mom. I would have no problem qualifying. His tire-kicking incident and lack of forthrightness is what caused them to deny us. A year after I brought them home, we could remarry and there is nothing the adoption agency could do about it. 'Course, how would I know if they were still available.<P>Thank you for sharing that Tigger. I hope, that if you want it, your D will someday find you. I have a friend whose D has found her 30 years after my friend decided to allow her to be adopted.<P>Mrs. Job