Hello to all:<BR> First let me say thank you to all the supportive people that are here. Thank you for your kind words and advice. Where else in the world would you ever find anyone who knows exactly what you're going through?<P> Catnip - You bet I dressed my best for my first "date", as I have for our counseling sessions. Not that I think he noticed. I realize that my husband is still not making much eye contact. I had noticed that during our reconsiliation attempts last summer. He makes brief eye contact and then looks off into the distance as he is talking. It wasn't always like that. But now I'm trying to rack my brain if he did that and how long pre-affair and I honestly can't remember. Which I guess would be his point - that I was becoming kind of disconnected from him.<BR> <BR> A strange part of the evening was that he was complaining about being so broke (Duh!!) When I filed my taxes I filed as "Head of Houshold" which meant I took all the deductions. He just filed his yesterday (see where he is on his own?) and has to pay a couple of thousand because of that. I expressed no pity, in fact tried to play dumb and stay as neutral as possible, though at one point I did say that he knew he was going to have financial difficulties and this was his choice - did he remember that? He went so far as to say it wasn't fair and I said I wanted to keep things light, had never done taxes in my life and had only done what my accountant recommended. Then I said that we shouldn't talk about fair if we wanted to keep things light and he said OK. Because we all know being left with 4 children ages 7-15 certainly isn't FAIR!!<BR> <BR> Something I need advice about is how to proceed. I admit I have mixed feelings. If he could GROW UP and if I can become less impulsive with what I say we might get somewhere. He has said that while we were in Plan B (not that he knows what that is) he was very uncomfortable with the no communication (good!) and was glad we are now able to talk. Part of me knows we should just take things slow and see what happens. The other part wants to push things. Does he want to work on the marriage or just be able to communicate? Does he just miss the financial security (I make a lot more than he does and now he has to give me 31% of his salary!)? I know it's not the time to push things but because I feel so ambivilent I'm confused as to what to do.<BR> <BR> One last question....Does anyone know if child support is retroactive in NY? He does not pay OW child support and if we did ever reconsile could she then ask for back child support?<BR> One more last, last question.. He says he and OW are friends. They work together but not in same departments. He said occaisionally they might watch a video together or visit each other. Could this really be true? He says her parents even put him up for 3 weeks when he first moved out (remember she's only 20 and he's 44!!) Does this make sense or is this just bull****?<BR> Thanks again,<BR> Kris<p>[This message has been edited by quakermom321 (edited June 01, 2001).]

i know weekends are slow

They put him up! Yikes! What type of parents would approve of their 20-year-old daughter's affair with a married man. We have truly become a society where nothing is off limits and no one (even parents) fell they have a right nor responsibility to impose standards. All things are not relative. There are still rights and wrongs in this world and I don't think I would ever welcome my daughter's married lover into my home.<P>Before her relationship with my H, our OW had been in a similar situation. She was 18 and moved in with her 40-year-old lover who had left his wife for her. five years later whe was in a relationship with my H that lasted for the next 7 years and I had no idea.<P>During their A, my H met and was welcomed into OW's family, even though he was still living with me at the time! He traveled so much on business that it was very easy for him to conceal such behavior.<P>QuakerMom, sounds like you did a good job on your first date. I am not surprised that you feel ambivilent. This man has brought great pain into your life and the life of your children. Before being accepted back into your life he would need to answer all your questions especially the one about is this just because of the money he is paying in child support.<P>I don't know about the CS question in New York. Someone has posted a link to a huge web site that details child support guidelines in each state. Others can advise much better than I on that matter. One thing that I have heard repeatedly on this board is that right now you hold the financial upper hand, because your children were born (adopted) of the marriage, they get first claim on his wages (I think). by reconciling that is something you might give up and be in a more difficult financial position. Many here are paying CS payments that are so large that they take away from the children of the marriage. Some here have a clever solution to that, but I will let them explain that for themselves.<P>Mrs. Job

Mrs. Job - thanks for responding. <P> I'm really obsessing today but I know I have a tendancy to do that during PMS. However I just read somewhere that our true feelings are revealed during PMS when we have less control over our other psychological mechanisms. If that's so then I'm obsessing over obsessing!! I really don't know how I feel. On one hand I have wanted to reconsile and was so devastated by this whole thing. On the other hand I am finally ready to move on and now he wants to talk. Does he just want to feel comfortable? Is he just stalling the divorce? He hates conflict is he just trying to get to9 a less uncomfotable spot? I know he is very broke and has not scrimped even once on child support with me. He lives about 40 minutes away and with the price of gas it costs him about $20.00 to make a trip here. Not my problem right? I am cursed with seeing both sides too easily. He says he looked for a place closer to here but couldn't afford it. He is living with a friend who's wife passed away not too long ago and splits houshold expenses with him.<P> Why am I doing this?? I did love him and now I'm not sure. The marriage counselor says his affair had nothing to do with me but only to do with how he felt with himself at the time. It certainly doesn't feel that way!!! Oh obsession thy name is ME!!!<BR> Kris