sc34, Yes it's possible to stay in love with your wife and continue the A. My H said the same thing. I know it must be true or why are they still with us?<P>My H says he's so happy he has his "life" back. He feels so contented to be with me and it shows.<P>I am so happy you came here and can ask Q's without fear.<P>I too was tortured because during the A ow and her H and my H and me went out a lot together. I stuck on THAT for a long time asking how he felt when we were together, I had to know.<P>He said "powerful" over her H. Miserable from guilt at times. Also a way to let ow KNOW he never planned to leave me, never.<P>Also ow told me her C was a gift from God. All babies have a reason they are born, sc34. That does not for one minute mean you must be a part of it's life.<P>Ow choose to birth a baby knowing our H's were married.<BR>To bad their plan doesn't work out that way, you know?<P>Pray and continue to heal. Do not worry about oc. God has a plan for them also. Romans 8:28 And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to HIS purpose.<P>Bless you sc34.<P>Love<BR>Debi<p>[This message has been edited by gemini1 (edited June 06, 2001).]

sc34, I am wondering how you are. The OW has left you alone all these years, despite the geographic closeness between you? And she remarried? I hope my OW marries-she was in process of divorce when she had affair with H and now she is single, not much going for her. My H keeps thinking no one will want her with baggage of OC- I think that torments him as well,a s if he too was responsible for her selfish decision to keep child at all costs. I have no guilt for not wanting OC in my life. I realize that at some point, I have paid enough for H and OW's stupidity. For me, for my life, for my sanity and my children's life, I have to have no contact. If H decides he cannot live with that, then he will have to carry the guilt of destroying the only family he probably will ever have. For causing his kids to move from the only area they have ever known, for having divorced parents, for losing daily contact with him, for learning of what he has done to break up our family, for listening to the tears of our children I feel like through his selfish act, and OW's, I have paid much too much of a price, and my kids as well I see us as the innocent victims, truly, and at some point, we have to stand up and say what more we cannot tolerate. You sound much like how I feel. I cannot imagine not feeling differently 7 years down the road,either. I abhor what has happened.<BR>Listening to you 7 years down road makes me wonder how I will feel toward H 7 years later. Will I love him? I do not know how I feel about him right now. I am still pretty angry, but not always. I at times feel warmly toward him, but I am not sure that is love, I appreciate all he is trying to do to help me heal, but it doesn't erase my confliced feelings toward him. I don't love him with a passion, or even with the old comfort of love that I had before this occurred that you experience with a 25 year relationship. That is totally gone.So now I feel uncomfortable with the man I loved for so long and that feels very odd. He knows it too.Does anyone think it will come back?And how does that work? Anyway, keep posting SC34-your story sounds like mine, and what you have done to keep a functional family would certainly help me to think how I will do same as months go on into years, if H and I make it. <p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 20, 2001).]

I don't think God judges us <BR>only people and mostly those that judge have not been in anywhere near that kind of situation<BR>and they can't say what THEY would do in YOUR exact situation unless they live it<BR>

I have been reading responses, and everyone has done a wonderful job encouraging you SC. I too have survived for 7 years the knowledge of H's A with and OC as end-product. WE have never seen the OC except for pictures sent in the first few months after her birth. My son is 4 mos older than she is. Like you I haven't really shared this until I found this place in the past year to 2 years.<BR> My insight is, God does not blame us if we leave the child to the mother. She made choices too. She had the option of abortion, which I would not have chosen, or adoption. In my mind she kept her child as a reminder of the affair and to maintain a relationship with H. She failed in the second option. He wants nothing to do with her, says the child is hers. Some days I do wonder if we should not check up on the OC to be sure the mother is not neglecting her. No offense to the few accepted OW here, but to me a woman who gets involved with a married man ia WRONG. Once she learns he is married and has a wife and kids/or no kids, a married man is off limits. And if he is pursing her, she should have enough character to tell him to come back when he is free to "love" someone else. <BR> So don't you feel guilty. You did not create the situation, you are trying to survive it the best you can. <BR>Maybe what we feel later is Post Traumatic Syndrome due to an Affair. You learn it gets better everyday, yet someimes there are flashbacks, but as time goes on they will become fewer. You have shown your strength so far, don't falter now.<BR>Texasgirl

Dea SC34.........<BR>I agree with the others. You are not obglated to deal with the oc, only if you wanted to. I am one of the ones that have chose to put oc's(2) into our lives. Eventhough, I have yet to be around them and spend time with them. <P>Like I told H and ow, I did not asked to be in this, you all put me in it along with the oc's.<P>Deal with it in your own way, take control of the situation before IT take control of you. The ball is in your court.<P>God bless and He knows what you are going though. He won't put no more on you than you can bear. Remember/read the story of Abraham and Sarah concerning the oc, Ismeal.<P>GP

I can feel your burden right through the computer! I dont think any of us are saints for making the choices we have. We were placed in horrible situations, and forced to make life changing situations in which there are no winners. I know for my own situation, I only accepted oc because his birth whore was completely out of the picture. I would never place my children in a hurtful situation. Even now, with oc almost 3 years old, if ow came back in the picture, my husband and him would have to go, even though I love them dearly. I understand your pain, and fear it often myself. Maybe time will change my feelings. I dont know. I only know that you have to do what is safest for you and your family. God Bless.

Ladies,<BR> I have read your responses to SC about her desire not to see or have visitation or custody of the OC. AS women speaking about their H's child. Put the shoe on the other foot. What would you expect a woman to do in the same circumstance? <P>My wife is pregnant with the OM's child. She says she isn't sure she can adopt the OC away. The OM has no interest in the product of his A. I don't want the responsibility or reminder of the betrayal. I realize that we are from Mars and you are from venus, but what would you do? Is my wife's response to the situation normal(valid)?<P>Thank you for a women's point of view.

in a nightmare, I will give you my response. I know being pregnant with my h's children was probably happiest time in my life. I loved being pregnant, felt great, unlike it sounds your wife's experience. However, as I have posted elsewhere, had I been the one who had the affair and got pregnant, rather than my H, I would seriously have considered abortion and/or adopting the child out to save my marriage and protect my kids of our current family.That is what I do not get of some WS-including my H. I have the greatest fear of my kids being damaged by his betrayal of me,and to me the OC is the embodiment to all of his betrayal. Does your wife want to work on marriage? is she worried about how you would feel about accepting the child? Now, I know some of the WS here who have gotten pregnant have husband's who have accepted the child as their own. I think that is someone easier for husbands to do, since if they truly can do it, no one needs to know child is not biologically theirs.. And once child is born, it is easy to love the child that is there, and forget the method of conception. I think that may be easier to do than in my situation,Now, I am not trying to say your feelings should not matter with this. I think they should if you and wife want marriage to continue.Does she know marriage may not be sustainable if she continues to want to keep child? I think your feelings should be considered for marriage to survive, and I think wife needs to know that. Adopting child out would be painful, no doubt, but is done often and wife would have to mourn child loss most likely.?she could do that, would get over it, but still have your marriage. you both need to sort that out together. <p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 20, 2001).]

Had to change my name from sc34 to sc35-- messed up my computer, long story!<P>Isb, our ow did not leave us alone for along time. We were in court constantly for the first couple of years (about 15 times) she was always chasing my husband down demanding visitations and saying that they needed to get together and discuss things etc. I've known my ow for a long time and I know her history with men, many married and she doesn't give up. She did finally meet someone and get married and has now left us alone. MY H knows he made the right decision not to have contact (he did have contact in the beginning becuase they were still in the affair) but I didn't know it until a year after everything ended, but he does feel bad for the child. My H's father abandoned him as a baby and so that transfers to this. This is different though because there was no A in his fathers situation. My H didn't want to do to the oc what he felt had been done to him. I can understand that but as many have said I was used and abused lone enough and I had to stand up for me and my children. I just couldn't live with it so my H did have to make a choice. I could not tolerate visitations because I knew how the ow was and obviously my H proved how he was. To give you an idea of the ow's thimking. She was my boss and friend mind you (even threw me a baby shower for my first born), she told me that she had the A with my husband cause she thought it would help my marriage... plus although she waas telling my H she couldn't get pregnant (she and her H had been trying for 2 years for a secong child) she was going through fertility testing during the A, her doctors said it wasnt' her, her H had a low count... she knew she was fine and still told my H she couldn't get pregnant. But I still hold my H accountable for his actions. If he wasn't cheating he couldn't have gotten her pregnant. Anyways, once my H made the decision for no contact he's never waivered. When we talk about "what if" in the future, he says no way. If OC ever comes to him, he will explain why he made the decision he did and that the decision still stands. He doesn't regret the decision but regrets that he allowed himself to be in a situation to have to make the decision in the first place. We couldn't give the oc up for adoption so we treat it as an emotional adoption. It's still hard to recover from the A even after 7 years. My H refused couseling and I think that probably ahs a lot to do with it. We went to Gary Smalley seminars though and that helped. I got to the point about 6 years ago where i told my H that I was sick of reading books and doing all the work to try to save our marriage and that if he chose not to do anything that was fine but I had a date picked and if something wasn't done on his part by then I was gone. He started changing and reading and is a better man. Someone once told me that people only hate you or treat you bad if you let them, and I finally started loving myself and demanding better treatment. Things have been good for a long time now but of course it still hurts. I think there are things in life that you never really get over. They become a part of who you are but eventually they don't have to be the defining moment in your life. It just seems to take a long time. I love my husband but it's not the same love as before. It's not that pure love I once I had. It hurts him to know that but, "You can choose your actions but you can't choose your consequences." <P>I do worry now about when the kids get older. Even though we live about 25 miles apart now, I worry that both the oc and my son will be involved in sports in highschool.... I worry about a lot of things.<P><BR>Nightmare,<BR>I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Seeing your wife carrying the om's child I know is crushing. I don't think I could live with it. Do you have other children? I fnot then an adoption would be easier cause you wouldn't have to explain it to the children. But you said your wife doesn't know if she can do adoption. I think that's probably a normal reaction because it's inside her. My heart breaks for you. I know with me, through all the heart ache I just finally had to come to a point with what I could live with and stand up for that even if it meant a divorce. I sacrificed everything for my H and having oc in my life was one thing I just couldn't do. When I told my H, I knew it could be the end of my marriage but I had to make a decision for me and my children and live with whatever my H chose. He chose to stay with us thankfully but I was prepared for the other. It made me sick to death. The whole A and OC. I'm 5' 6" and dropped to 90 lbs during the first week of finding out everything. I was suicidal for 2 years as we waited for the oc to be born and then decide what would be done. My kids saved my life. Of course I couldn't do anything to hurt them, and I wasn't leaving them behind to be with my H and possibly the ow but those feelings still existed. I wish there were an answer. The problem is that no answer makes you "happy" again. All the answers hurt. You have to pick the one that hurts the least I think. Does your W have any feeling for the om? Maybe she's afraid that if she gives it up then you'll still leave and she'll lose you both. I hope she will do what is right for your marriage because I believe that has to come first. My ow divorced her H because she wanted to raise oc with my husband. She was mad when she didn't get him and then lost her H too. I will pray for you and your marriage, i know you're devestated. I've thought about this too before, it's hard to imagine giving up a child for adoption but... it's even harder to imagine myself being pregnant with a baby that is not my husbands and living with what I had done to my family. <P>Sorry this response has been soooo long.<P>Take care everyone!<P>SC<BR>

sc35, so glad to hear from you and more of your story. You give me hope and not so much hope. I want to believe if I can be happy, years from now. Do you feel happy even though your love for H is never the same??that is what I was wondering. I too have lost lots of weight, can't seem to gain it back but at least I have stopped losing. People around me are wondering what is wrong. My whole personality has changed, used to be so positive, happy, energetic,now nothing interests me, it is so hard to give to anyone.I do give to my kids, I will be dammned if OW and H's damage will damage my relationship with my kids and ruin the time I have them in childhood, but that too has been tarnished. My OW has sent one card which we sent back unopened, recently she or friend sent me an anonymous email stating some facts about OC which upset me. NOw I wonder when else she will contact us. I want H to write her letter asking her to leave us alone, can't be father to OC, but he refuses. I don't think he is willing to do the emotional adoption you talk your H did, although I have said much what you have said to your H. I told him a few weeks ago in counseling that unless he has no contact with OC, I will separate and divorce him. He was very angry in session, then on way home said he felt very sad. I felt somewhat relieved- I cannot live with this pain daily waiting for him to hurt me more by having contact. I am sick of the pain I feel daily. last night I was upset with H, just told him I hated what he did as tried to make love, and he held me and realized the pain I felt. I don't know how to get back close to him, although I certainly hate the thought of living the life we live now, each uncomfortable with each other, trying to connect but not quite getting there. I loved him for so long, we have known each other more than not known each other, and yet this has just about destroyed all that history for me. If not for our two great kids, I would have been long gone. I hope my H gets to the place your H is and accepts the adoption so to speak, because I know I cannot accept anything less. I agree-the BS has to step up and say what can and cannot accept. Contact, unlike some on board here, I cannot accept, doubt I will change. H has to know to make contact he will lose all he has spent a lifetime of building up--and for what-? a mistake he did with OW which has cost him, me, our life, our kids much.why hurt all of us more-- to meet his needs? That is how we got in this mess in the first place. Keep telling me what worked for you these last 7 years to feel happy-- I need to know what has helped you. Thanks.

Isb,<P>Gosh, I wish I had an easy answer for you. sometimes I look back and wonder how we've made it. Things didn't really start improving until my H decided on the emotional adoption. Nasty court battles really helped too. Sounds strange but then he got to see ow in another light, her lies, etc. There are times I am very happy and there are times that it still hurts unbelievably but there is much more happiness. It's hard to trust anyone, and as with you my relationship with my kids was affected. At the time my D was only about a year and then shortly after, my son was born. They don't remember or realize what was going on but I don't remember 2 years of their lives either because I was walking in a daze. It is still painful for me to even look at pictures of my kids at that age because it brings back the memories. I stuck it out for my kids also. Not that they were the "reason" but they were my incentive. I think you being in couseling will help a lot. The only time my H went to couseling was in the very beginning for about 5 weeks but he was still in the A and lying about it so it didn't help much. I guess it just took a lot of time. That's probably why most don't stick it out. It's a lot of pain for a long time. As time went by my H realized more and more the pain he caused and the financial hardship (back support etc.) He says he thinks about it every day and how he hates what he did. Until they really repent it's harder to go on. Most people want cheap grace. They want forgiveness with out truly repenting but that's not how it works. Forgiveness for me is a looooong on going process. Sometimes I just prayed for God to forgive my H cause I couldn't. when I feel I can't trust anyone, I thank God that I can trust in Him. Also when I would feel no desire to even like my H let alone love him, I would pray for God to give me the "desire" to want to love him. It helped me a lot. I asked my H to pray for that too. It was hard to say because then I had to voice what I wasn't feeling for him but it also forced him to see what he had destroyed. It just took a lot of time. I know there are a lot of people here who don't have sex throughout this ordeal but for me I need to as much as possible. even though it hurt emotionally to be with him I desperatly tried to connect with my H. There were many many times I would cry during or after but some how it helped him understand that it affected me on every level. <P>There's a great book I read called "A Grace Disguised" by Gerald L Sittser. It's a Christian book that really helped me a lot. For a long time I used to beat myself up because I "wasn't over it". This book helped me to deal with that. The author was in a car accident. They were hit by a drunk driver and he lost his mother, his wife and one daughter in the accident. He talks about trajedies, not just his but divorces etc, and how you don't just "get over them". They become part of who you are. We don't like that they are part of us but some of the outcomes in the end are blessings. The incident itself will never be the blessing, it was horrible. But God can find ways to give us blessings through the sorrow. For instance with me and I imagine with you too, although the incident affected my relationship with my kids, I became more thankful for the presence of these beautiful children in my life. I thanked God every second for letting me be their mother. I noticed and became thankful for the smallest things that I would have normally overlooked in everyday life. I thanked him for my car, for my food, for my clothes for the warm sun. Anything and everything that brought me any type of good feeling. It took several years for me to make friends after this but I was finally able to meet and appreciate good people. I became very aware of how I wanted my children to grow up and the morals I wanted them to have. I made God a part of everyday of their lives and we talk about everything from people lying to you and how you handle that, why God has rules for us to follow, how God feels when we break them etc. I am a better mom now than I think I would have been because I have a mission. To break the cycle. My H's family all have oc's, they are horrible men. This would be considered normal to them and they'd be "proud" if they knew.. My H has even cut off all ties with his family. we speak only to one person out of 12 sibblings and not even to his mother & father. They are evil and they see nothing wrong with how they are. We set boundries for ourselves and stay away to protect our family. As long as I concentrate on being a team with my H things go better. When I replay the incident in my mind over and over I relive it and the pain is unbearable. My H helps me through it though. It's never the same again but I think you can be very happy. It's just a different kind of happiness. Of course I'd rather have it the old way but I can't. Hang in there Isb. And pray non stop. I used to scream to God because I was angry at Him and I swear I couldn't hear Him or feel Him telling me what to do. Then someone described it to me this way. Let's say your kids have lost a pet, it died and they're crying and heart broken. You hold them close but you really don't say a whole lot to them because there are no words to make it feel better, so you just hold them. sometimes it's that way with God. His heart breaks with ours. We are his little girls and he loves us far more htan we are capable of loving but sometimes all he can do is hold us.<P>I guess time is the only answer. It takes a lot of it but it gets better. I don't think about this every second of the day any more. I mean it's there in the back of my mind but I am happy again. You've been married for such a long time. I think that might make it harder for you because this changes every memory you have for the past 25 years. Tell your husband that. Not in anger but express your pain and how you feel it's affected every inch of your life. Ask him to pray for you. I told my H that it might sound stupid but I really needed him to pray for me to help deal with this and to learn to love him again. When they really have to face God, their attitude changes. There is hope for happiness but htere is no quick fix which is what is hard. I'm so sorry Isb, that you have to deal with this. Until I found this board I never realized how many people ached as much as I did. Sometimes it is hard for me to read posts because it's fresh for a lot of you. You are going throught what I went through so many years ago and it's hard and it hurts to remember. But there is hope. You can be happy! I hope you believe in God. I will pray for you because He is the only one that can bring happiness back to your life. The trick is letting him. He knows our hearts. We are his little girls and he didn't plan for this to happen to us but He will love us through it.<P>Keep posting Isb and so will I<P>sc

sc35, thanks for such a long post. I really appreciate it. You give me hope, but I agree-it will never be the same again. I love my H with a very comfortable, secure love, and that is now gone. I was so sure he would be there for me, protect me, nurture me, never harm me. NOw I feel this evil side of him showed up a few years ago and changed all that for us. He knows what he has done has changed me and us, perhaps irreparably, and I do not know if that will ever change. I am not the same person he married or even loved either. I don't know when I will return. I want to try to be the old me, but I am not. Perhaps it is too soon, too in the grief stage. I grieve what he has done to us and our family. Like your family, we were a happy one.We did a lot of things with our kids, both of us involved in their lives. I felt comfortable here. I also feel I won't truly heal till H does the emotional adoption-HE Knows having her was morally wrong, I want to tell him-how many wrongs do you think you can do to me and our kids and family and still have a family He is way over two wrongs for me,and it pains me daily. this is so out of character for him and his family. This has never happened in his family, not even affairs without OC, See, I don't want OC to hurt, but I don't think not having my H in her life will damage her.I know it already has damaged me,a nd I cannot let him damage my kids, they mean too much to me. If he can live with damaging the kids he has raised since birth, been there daily for, loved significantly, taught right from wrong, then he truly is not the man I want to stay married too. <BR>I think I need to pray more-H says he prays for guidance, how to be better father and husband. I just pray to help me heal,get closer to h, I pray OW will move and find a mate to parent child.That is what would help me a lot. I want her out of my geographical area, please God!<BR>It will be hard this summer- kids will be home, I will have less access to computer while they are here, and I will have lots of time to think. I hope being with kids is healing, but I am less patient with him, harder on them, and I know it is because of what H did to me and them. I hate what he has done. I think it will be very hard to forgive him, and I think the lenght of time of our marriage does not help. I feel he took something not so horrible, was pretty good, and now damaged it to such a degree we may never recover. I really don't know how he lives with himself because I can barely survive this myself and I didn't commit the crime so to speak.<BR>One more thing-your husband sounds like he originally had contact-did he love the child-a nd if so, how did he deal with giving up child to stay with you? How did he learn to accept it without destroying himself? I worry about that sometimes, but then I think he may have to learn to grieve and give it up as a loss, not unlike others who have adopted kids out,. and it would get easier over time, may have to be consequence he pays for us .Tell me husband's process if you can.?thanks. <P>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 20, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 20, 2001).]

Isb,<BR>Yes my husband did have some contact. It was behind my back while he was still in A. He did love the child although he did not see oc enough to form the kind of bond he has with our children. He said the oc would not go to him and acted kind of scared, clinging to mom. (about 10 months old at time) Babies usually don't bond with someone they only see for an hour or two once a week. I'm sure he still loves oc in some way but it is different then what he has at home. Sometimes loving someone means you have to give them up. Look how many women do it every day. My H could not be a "father" to oc. A father is not someone who shows up once a week. My H agreed that he did not want our children to have contact with oc and have to explain to their friends why their brother was only 5 months older than my youngest and had a different mom. One counselor I spoke to said that "a child should be aloud to live as normal a life as possible and a relationship based on adultry is not normal". Basically, I couldn't live with it and if he wanted to make our family work he had to give oc up for adoption. I Know it hurt him to do it and that breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that my husband hurt and it makes me jealous that he gave so much consideration to oc and never thought about what the A would do to our children. He chose his action and now we had to deal with the painful consequences. My H said he couldn't let me or our family go. He feels he made the right decision, but I know it was hard. I think he had to decide was he going to be a full time daddy to our children or weekend dad to "all" of his children. I mean realistically how was he going to have visitation with all these kids. How would he coordinate that with his employment and any hopes of a life of his own. Plus how much child support would he be paying out to all of us? I think it was when he faced the reality of the situation, how it would really be in real life, how everyone would be hurt and what he was going to have to give up, he made his decision. What would your H do if the shoe were on the other foot? Would he raise your child with another man? Even if he said yes, I bet it's very doubtfull. Would he like to have to explain to his parents and friends that you had an A and got pregnant or would he be to humiliated? Probably. <P>I am sorry my husband put himself in the situation to make such a painful decision, but it was his action not mine that put us there. I felt bad about it for a long time but I had to learn to set boundries for me and my children and what I felt I could live with. He made the right choice staying and I know he does not regret the decision he made, only the actions that caused it.<P>It was hard and it hurt me deeply to see him struggle because I thought the only decision was clear. It was like being betrayed over and over again. Once he decided though, it was done. There were a lot of tears as he made the decision but none since. It was almost like once the decision was made, he was relieved. I know the decision would have been easier had he not had contact. Also this decision was made a year before I ever even knew he had contact. Had I known at the time he was having contact (and still in A) I probably would have left. <P>Maybe your H needs to sit down and ask himself what kind of father he can really be to oc. Is him being around once a week or so really best for oc or is he trying ease his own guilt? Just cause someone can be around now and then doesn't mean they can be a real dad to them. Some people only see the oc or their own children a couple times a month... that's not a father. At least not to me.<P>I hope your H will make the right decision because I know you won't be able to heal until he does. At first my H said he couldn't do it either but when reality set in, he did what was best for us and for the oc who finally has a step father that can be there everyday and provide a real family for him. I pray daily for a "real" adoption now.<P>Dont' give up. Keep talking and talk "reality" to him. A bithday and christmas dad is not going to do any good for the oc. And how will he leave your children to go spend time with oc on holidays? And also maybe our children could someday forgive their father for all that happened but that doesn't mean they won't be scarred and it does't mean they'd ever trust him or love him the same either. It's a big risk and not fair to put that burden on our children<P>Talk to ya soon,<BR>sc

<P><BR>Some people only see the oc or their own children a couple times a month... that's not a father. At least not to me.<BR> I sure hope that is not true for the million of kids who's parents are divorced! I know if hubby and i don't make it that he will still be a father to our children and right now he is trying to be a dad to the oc. i do nOT THINK this is for everyone but i also don't think you have to live with child to be a dad.<BR>

whatif,<P>sorry to have offended you. My experience as well as all of my friend who have similar situations is that the part time parent isn't as close to them. I am far closer to and bonded with my step father who was there to raise me on a daily basis than my part time father who I was only able to see a couple of times a month. At first it wasn't that way but over time the separation makes the relationship far different than before. A part time dad is far different than a full time one, still a father yes, but different. How many kids want their partents back together so that they can have both parents living with them full time? It happens a lot. I hope everything works out for you and that your kids don't have to live through a divorce. It does leave scars no matter what people think. Again I'm sorry if my opinion offended you. I guess I shouldn't have said they are "not a father" but rather not the kind of father we wanted for our kids or that our kids want. We want and they want full time dads. We want to protect our families and keep them whole. That's why were here struggling.<P>Take care whatif, again I hope everything works out for you and your family. <BR>sc

[QUOTE]Originally posted by sc35:<BR>[B]whatif,<P>I am far closer to and bonded with my step father who was there to raise me on a daily basis than my part time father who I was only able to see a couple of times a month<BR> No need to explain yourself, i think ideally everyone would say full time fathetr is the best all around but isn't always realistic. I too had a stepfather and a father who i saw everyother weedend. I probably was closer to step because we lived together but I loved the time i spent with my father and i wouldn't have traded that time for anything!