Hi to all,<P><BR> Without being a nag, can you read my last post on "Opinions Please"? I need continuing support it seems. We have an appointment with our counselor tommorrow. Last week he told us to go out alone together. I realized this morning he might push us a little more to see where we stand. I don't know if I'm ready to say my husband has to leave his job if we are to have any chance. On the other hand why not just get it out there and see what he does?<P> I'm still amazed we're in counseling together. I had no idea where this is going. <P>To give you an idea of how close I thought we were to divorce... my husband was suppossed to see the children the day after Easter. At that time my older children and I had NO idea when the OC child was born, sex etc. My husband comes to pick up kids and has a baby in tow that he is "babysitting" for. It has his first name. He says quietly to my older son (age 14), "If you're thinking is it mine?... it is" My oldest daughter(age 12) came home that day and threw up. She hasn't gone out with him since. My oldest son stayed away for a few weeks but recently has been trying to reconnect. I wrote a letter to my attorney and had him contact my husband's attorney and notify him that if he ever exposed my children to the OC children again I'd have to get a Law Guardian appointed to them (after all out of 4 I have 3 in counseling right now and 2 on anti-depressants).<P>A few weeks later my parents call and tell me in the birth announcements section of the Sunday paper there is a birth announcement stating birth parents names and the child's name as Blah Blah JR.!!!! Another letter to my attorney - talk about public humiliation!! It appeared in the town I have been teaching in for 17 years!!! I call my husband irate and he says he had no idea it was going in the paper. He called later and said she agreed at the hospital but wasn't really aware of what she was doing (yea, right). I've always thought she was still after him.<P>So you can see why I have such mixed feelings. Going along with my husband's unthinking patterns I could just see him thinking the kids would not realize it was his child (could he really be that stupid? Oh wait, negative judgement). So can he really change? Would someone capable of that be able to change?<P>However at out last counseling session he said he only recently realized that it is his fault that things fell apart because he wasn't honest about his feelings. Can he be beginning to see the light or is this just more people pleasing?<P>Tommorrow I know the counselor will ask what we both want (it seems to be a standard question) Can I really say at this point anything other than I don't know? Any comments or advice would be appreciated<P> Kris<p>[This message has been edited by quakermom321 (edited June 05, 2001).]

Hi quakermom,<P>Tell the counselor this - it is all in what you wrote to us.<P>1. You want a marriage that does not include ow in any shape or form. A marriage that is comprised of two people, not three. <P>2. You want to be able to make joint decisions on everything, including whether or not there will be contact with oc in the future.<P>3. You want to know if h is trying to work out the marriage because he loves you or because he is having a hard time without you.<P>4. You want the public humiliation to stop. <P>5. You want your children to feel safe, secure, and loved. You don't want h to expose them to oc issues any more until you and he come to an agreement about how/if that will be done.<P>6. You want your h to express his remorse and become proactive in his efforts to restore your marriage.<P>7. You want your h to quit his job and seek employment elsewhere because he currently works with ow and you know that him having continued contact with her will not work for you.<P>8. You want him to do whatever is necessary to win back your trust and love.<P>quakermom, I thought all of that was very clear from your post. All you have to do is tell it to your h at counseling.<P>I understand that right now you are not even sure if you WANT the marriage anymore. But you can at least tell h that those conditions must be in place if you are going to give it any chance at all. <P>Best of luck. Let us know how you do.<P>with love,<BR>cd

C.D. - thank you for putting into words exactly what my turbulant emotions have been telling me. Is there a way for me to print our a copy of your response?<P> Kris

Hi QM,<P>Yeah, do you have the toolbar at the top of your computer<BR>screen? There should be a picture of a printer, click it<BR>and it will print out this entire post.<BR>As a matter of fact I printed out cd's list of the things<BR>she does to make her marriage a happier place! I loved it.<BR>Good luck with your counseling session!<P>Take care, fluke

quakermom, I feel so much for your pain. When I read of the feelings your children have about this whole issue, my heart goes out to them. I know they are adopted, but I do not think their feelings are unique to being adopted- I think it has to do with the sense of betrayal their father did to their life. This is exactly what I anticipate my kids would react, especially my daughter, if they find out that the daughter of daddy's friend is really daddy's child. They will know he betrayed me, did something morally wrong, wounded me and wounded them. My H seems to think they would understand over time and forgive him since they know he loves them, but I do not discount how a vial betrayal like this damages children.Even older kids in this situation have not dealt with it well-heck, I am not dealing with it well, despite my H's protestations of love to me. I think cd gave you much to tell counselor and H-I do not think it is wrong to say you are not sure where you are headed in marriage either. If you are not sure, say that. I often tell H I am not sure if we will make it, regardless of what happens in our marriage.This damages lives, and some of us will make it, some of us won't. I myself cannot accept OC into our life for fear it will add to the already soul wrenching pain I feel daily,and also I do not want children to feel the pain I feel. I will never change my mind I want to protect my kids, what upsets me is why H did something that failed to protect them.That I will never understand. I hope counseling goes well for you- I am thinking of you and kids, hope they are o.k.

quakermom,<BR>if you don't have a printer, handcopy CD's list: it's worth the trouble!~ <BR>I'm so sorry for you and your children. That is soooo painful and I don't know the answers either. Prayers and hugs,<BR>J