My husband and I have had our share of difficulties lately, but after 11 years of marriage, my husband's brother and sister-in-law are in the process of separating. In NC there is legal separation and the state also requires a one year waiting period prior to the granting of divorce.

There was an affair involved (on his part) and he has been actively involved in internet porn for years. I have encourage my sister-in-law to come to this site and to try the things here for herself since her husband refuses to go to counseling.

She simply cannot get past the affair and he isn't willing to admit his part in this disaster.

He has for years presured her into being involved in "group sex" which she has constantly refused. She is resigned to the separation, but I wish I could help. She wants him to go to counseling, but he refuses.

Oh well, please pray for them if you would.

Names are Maurice and Audra

<small>[ October 16, 2003, 11:32 AM: Message edited by: Multimom ]</small>

Dear Multimom,

I recently read a post, to the effect, Ideally, we would all give the correct advice, of when to make the effort try to work things out, and when to cut the losses and give up on a marriage or relationship.

There are a number of posters under Emotional Needs who would say good for Audra, good riddance to Maurice. However, that is your brother in law, we are trying to help, also,

One way to approach the situation is to ask the question, how can you coach either one to get back together?

Whatever you might recommend, has the risk of coming back on you, as criticims, that you recommended thus and so, and I did that, and look what happened.

Basically you can recommend that your sister-in law find ways, within her comfort zone to loosen up, and try to meet Brother's perceived needs.

If Brother is on the internet, for porn, then I would deduce that Sis is not keen on watching errotic videos with brother. Sis could try counseling with the goal of finding ways to conduct the marital bedroom, so that Brother comes directly home in the evening, and leaves limp in the morning.

For Brother, he should get instruction in massage. If Sis is home, he should be so good with his muscle pressures, that Sis has no ineterest other than being massaged. Brother and Kobe Bryan may need some skills in muscle relaxation techniques.

Maybe sis needs to take some Yoga lessons, so that brother is faced with so many different positions, that it seems he is in a room with 50 different women, when it is just Sis, with mirrors, and video monitors.

If you click on my name, I have come up with a bunch of other ideas for getting couples back together. I rarely recommend giving up.

It does not seem like Sis is admitting her part in the affair either. The Bible says Adultery is wrong, but it also says Women are supposed to submit to their husbands. If Maurice was on the internet, viewing pornography, that, to me, is a clear indication that the marital bedroom was not adequately furnished.

How did she try to satisfy Maurice? What were her limits? What were her times of day of availability? What was her percentage of rejections? During what periods of the day had Maurice given up making approaches? What compromises did Audra come up with to balance her lack of cooperation in sex, comared to the interest in sex by Maurice? What further compromises can you think of? Have you posted the question, "How can a prude satisfy a sex hound to prevent his affairs?"

If a woman wants to be a prude, then getting married to a man with a normal, or above-average appetite for sex, is not a bright idea, if fidelity is important to her. Have Audra read Songs, or Song of Solomon, depending on your edition of the Bible, it is 10 pages.

If a man has an urge for group sex, there are many cheap videos of group sex, that can be part of the marital bedroom routine. Most of the videos I have involve multiple partners. When I am limp, I am not looking. Errotic videos in my marital bedroom keep my interest, and enhnce my limpness.

I'll check back and see if you provide the proof that I am off base.

Best wishes,

Quipper,
Married 28 years and still struggling.

<small>[ October 16, 2003, 04:56 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

Quipper,

I like some of the advice that you give..but it doesn't seem to be true in all cases. I personally know that I have rented, purchased, offered different types of pornography to my husband, yet he seems addicted to internet pornography in MY humble opinion.

I engage in ALL types of sex with my husband. And as you like to refer to the BIBLE.... Some of these types of sex would be considered a sin. Netherless, I could be "down" on him one day..and he'll be up at night looking at BBW on the net. GO FIGURE. I guess you're opinion might be that I am not meeting his "sexual needs". Well he gets what he asks for and then some. So am I the issue or does he have an addiction?

LIMP, LIMP, LIMP...that's all I hear from you. Everyone knows that we need sex. If your wife isn't giving you as much sex as YOU want, maybe you aren't meeting her needs either. Do you get it 3 x a day 7 days a week?

You say you'r still struggling,
what is the struggle? not enough sex from your wife?

Dear She Will,

I did post a question on Goals under Resolving Conflict, as you had suggested.

My struggles are in several areas. I have started the thread under Resolving Conflict, by discussing my struggles in terms of goals.

My suggestion that if a husband is looking at internet porn, then to look at the marital bedroom, may be incorrect for you, and your husband. I was throwing out ideas in response to a short first post, to hopefully define some of the issues for Audra.

You mention that your husband is addicted to internet pornography. You do not give much detail, and I repsect your right to privacy. If you care to elaborate, I could perhaps be more helpful. You seem to be saying limp is insufficient for your husband. Perhaps extending the time of foreplay might be a method. In a book on Tantric Yoga, they gave some climax delaying techniques. Slowing the rate of motion, to a standstill if necessary, as I recall. Also maybe thinking of a tree, or envisioning something non-stimulating that would delay climax. Also slowing down the rate of breathing, breathing more shallow, or hold your breath for a little. I usually have difficutly climaxing if my wife has the news on the television.

You do not give details of your attempts at negotiating the issue with your husband. Some details might yeild some other ideas.

You seem unhappy with your husband, and I have not reviewed your other posts carefully recently. I will try to give you some more study.

If you would prefer that I quote some other book than the Bible, let me know which one you like. I picked the Bible for Audra, without really knowing if the Bible would have meaning for Audra. Reading the 10 Commandments without also reading Song of Songs is like eating a hamburger without ketchup.

Thanks for saying that some of my ideas are ok. That is the best I can hope for. I try to suggest all my ideas in a manner by which each idea can be rejected, independent of each other idea or concept.

Blessings,

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling

<small>[ October 19, 2003, 04:33 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>