ok, my H has told me that he is going to be a daddy in about 6 months, someone that he has known for 4 or 5 years. I do not know her, I met her once a few years ago.<P>H wants to take responsibility and have contact, he says it's the right thing to do for the child. I showed him the MB concepts and he thinks they "lack compassion" and are "rigid". He says he never wanted to leave me, or break up our marriage but I know he pursued her for a long time, and there were others before...<P>OW says she wants nothing from us, and is quite happy to absolve him of all responsibility (offered to sign off on any claims..) but H says it isn't "the right thing to do".<P>I think he will just see the OW and OC behind my back if I say no, so I think the smart thing to do is to agree to involvement and then there will be no sneaking around. <P>Am I setting myself up here? My husband is in an industry where he will probably be transferred overseas or around the country on a pretty regular basis, so I'm thinking contact would be minimal in a few years anyway.<P>Thoughts - comments - advice? I'm hurt but I'm trying to accept and move on.<P>

Dear Messenger,<P>First of all, welcome to our board. You are in the right place. Second, do not let your H sign off on his rights. Then the OW could come back later and sue for CS, but have a better chance at keeping your H from being involved in OC's life. I think that you have done the right thing to read over the concepts, and whether your H wants to believe in them or not, you should follow them. Sit down and discuss visitation with him, and be as open as you can without throwing out love busters. I would also have him do the DNA test, and try to keep him from giving OW any money until the test results are back. It is a tough situation to find yourself in, especially when your H doesn't want to even try out the concepts of this very sucessful board. Come here with any of your questions, or to just vent. That way, you avoid causing any further damage to your marriage.<P>Hope this helped somewhat, I am sure others will be along shortly.<P>Tigger

An excellent post that addresses this issue was on Heavenly's thread entitled "what do WS think they can offer the OC.." or something like that. I suggest you research this site and find this particular thread from a few months ago, print it up and read it with your husband.<P>Sometimes they (WS's) forget that "compassion" begins at home with the spouse and for the marriage....especially in the traumatic first few months after D-Day. Now is the time to heal and to focus on each other and not worry about OC or OW...<P>Check your priorities, Messenger's husband...<P>Catnip >^..^<

Please,<P>Make sure your H does his DNA right away. If she does not want anything from him, Have HER sign the wavier to that effect..and take it to lawyer. If it is not legal, set up some sort of CS, even a small amt. As long as he is paying, she can only come back for an increase instead of back CS if it is an agreed amt. Dont believe it till you get the DNA...I learned that lesson. You sound very level headed. Trust your instincts..and NOT the OW. best wishes MC

Welcome to our sad little club. I'm sorry you have to be here, but very glad you found us. You will find tons of support here from women and men who have very similar but very different situations from the one you find yourself in today.<P>The above posts are all a wonderful starting point to your personal recovery. I only wish the best for your happiness.<P>I did read something in your post that concerned me though. You mentioned that your H has had other affairs. This concerns me greatly, as I'm sure it does you. I think you two must go into counseling and get to the bottom of why he's cheated. And figure out what he and you need to do to prevent it from ever happening again. Unfortunately the male species (mine included) don't learn from their mistakes. You would think that a man who empregnated a woman outside of his marriage would never cheat again, but unfortunately it has happened. <P>My stupid husband had three abortions with his highschool sweetheart, one faked pregnancy by another fling and I got pregnant when we were dating, plus the OW and her pregnancy. Duh, condoms don't work in the wrapper. See my point. They aren't the brightest creatures when they think with the little head.<P>So please. Sit down and examine how you two will go for help. Even if they aren't Harley principles. See if you can get another form of counseling. Or you could try what my H and I are trying. We are doing a modified version of Harley's stuff. Not so rigid. My H shyed away from the rigidity of it too. He is not a very humble man and hates to feel controled. All that reporting to me would have killed him.<P>Best of luck. Keep reading and posting whenever the spirit moves you. We will all do our best to support you through this.<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

oh, THANK YOU! You ladies are like a cool breeze on a blistering day...a balm, a refuge!!<P>Zebrababy, you are correct there were other affairs, that is why I have so little rage against the OW who is with OC, she was actually one of the longest term friends and the briefest flings - one was with the wife of a good friend of ours, for 5 years!<P>OW wrote an apology to me and - just to clarify - she offered to sign off HER or the child's financial claims on my husband - she feels that she can provide for the baby, and is sensitive to the fact that we have 2 children and I do not work. <P>OW has said that she will try to honour my wishes as best as she can - if I wish to see the child with my family or not, she is fine with whatever, she just asks that I not punish the child for her "immoral conduct". <P>To be honest, I am more worried about H than OW, if it wasn't her, would he have just found someone else? What does he think he is missing in our marriage?<P>Thanks for the tips on the concepts, can you believe it, my husband is the VP of a hotel company, spends tons of time entertaining, in hotels, restuarants, travels! I'm kind of blaming myself because I hate the bus-soc scene and I never go.<P>Any ideas on how I should handle the birth and introducing the baby to the kids? Anyone had any luck with cooperation?<BR>I did check the posts and am going thru them one by one...there's a lot there!<P>Thanks so much, peace and joy to each of you little angels!<P>

I have a question Messenger. How old are your kids. How you introduce them and break the news to them really relies heavily on their age. Depending on that you can determine how much info and details to give them.<P>Mine are two and just under 5. We told our kids when my son was 4.5 This made it easy because he doesn't yet grasp that babies come from sex. My husband told our son that the baby needed a daddy and the baby's mommy asked my son's daddy if he could be her (oc) daddy too. It was real simple for his young mind.<P>But much older than that you are probably going to have to give a little more detail.<P>Your OW sounds like the almost perfect OW. I guess it causes red flags to go up for me because of my personal experience with my OW. She tried to play the remorse roll for me, and even pretended to hate my husband for what he did to me and her. All the while she was planning her attack. Out of the clear blue sky she solicited my husband for another affair. He turned her down flat and she's been a witch ever since. So my advice, enjoy her being cooperative, but don't for a minute let your guard down.<P>How does you H feel about the OW now? Just curious.<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

The children are 4 years and 11 months.<P>H just says they are friends, but a mutual friend tells me that he pursued her, and for quite a long time.<P>I am really seriously thinking of just leaving and going to live with my parents, raising the children with their grandparents - has anyone here done that, just said forget it, it's not worth it and thrown in the towel? My parents are wonderful and if he's been having other affairs...well, how do you know if it's worth it or not?<P>I don't know, we've been together 10 years and I'm just not sure if it's worth it anymore.<P><BR>

my school of thought may not be popular here. but i think if the WS is remorseful and seriously wants the marriage to progress, the BS spouse owes them the opportunity to give it one more shot. We also owe it to our kids. <P>I know I never want to tell my kids I didn't give it my all. I want to tell them I put my heart and soul into my marriage. and if it still doesn't work. I want them to know it's ok to fail if you tried you best.<P>Is it worth it you ask. It's always worth the shot if you're willing to do what it takes. If you give 100% and give your marriage a deadline for improvement, say 1 year. And still no better. Then you can leave with a clear conscious.<P><P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I understand how you feel... the "Is it worth it routine?" I'm afraid that this (having affairs) is just symptomatic of a kind of coping behavior my H might use for when things get stressful ot overwhelming. We have been apart the last 10 months and just started counseling together. I'm not sure if we'll make it or even if it's the right thing to do. I've wanted to and wanted to. I've done everything I can. He needs to make some real committment - at least your husband says he still wants the marriage. Mine will say to my face, he's not sure what he wants.<BR> Kris<BR>

Zebrababy, I see where you are coming from, but my parents live in Malta, and we live in North America. He knows I'll take the kids there, so I feel like I am just being pacified as the babysitter.<P>I just really think I might have married a manipulative philanderer...he fooled around with the W of a friend of ours for 5 years!<P>

messenger,<P>welcome to our board! Has anyone in our shoes just left? I'm sure they have! And we'd be the first to understand why. The pain of betrayal is incredible. <P>It doesn't sound like your H has his priorities straight: 'lacks compassion'?! The "right thing to do" was passed a long time ago, when he chose to have the affair! Where is his compassion for the pain he caused YOU and your children?? <P>Do you have any of the affair recovery books? After the Affair by Janis Abram Spring uses noncombative words for the betrayer(she uses a different term) and spells out their feelings, while also spelling out the incredible pain and shock for the betrayed spouse. She also tells how to analyse what happened and how to rebuild trust (it's an action verb!!). At <A HREF="http://www.affairs-help.com" TARGET=_blank>www.affairs-help.com</A> you can find a quiz to tell you what kind of affair(s) your H's were and what your chances of recovery are accordingly. Even serial adulterers CAN change, but they have to be willing! Then, there is always the famous Ann Landers question: are you better off with him or without him?? Only you can know the answer to that, and you might need more time. Spring's book says both spouses should cut ties with XOP and act like they will recover even if they aren't sure... just act like you're together until you can KNOW in your heart that it is working... or not. Personally I don't think I could've stayed if my H weren't repentant, but some spouses have had great luck with the Dr. Harley methods (Plan A and Plan B), and we can all recommend his Policies for a good marriage, needs, love busters, etc.<P>Good luck!<BR>J, 2+years in recovery and happy

Dear Messenger,<P>Just wanted to extend my welcome to you.<BR>You can gets tons of advice and support here,<BR>as you can see!<BR>Take care, fluke