First I would like to know how do you trust someone. My mom was an alcoholic and my dad worked out of town most of my childhood. I was raped when I was 17 and my mom said that it couldn't have happened because no one would want me. As a result, I have difficulty trusting people. I have been married for 8 years and have 3 beautiful daughters but I don't trust my husband. He is wonderful to me and our children, but I have never been able to develop a sense of trust. It bothers him, so how do I learn to trust him?

Secondly, I don't know if it is from being raped at such a young age (I had only lost my virginity 2 weeks before I was raped) or what, but I don't get any pleasure from sex. I have orgasisms, but I come away wondering what's the big deal? It isn't satisfying or fulfilling. It doesn't make me feel loved or closer to my hubby. It isn't just sex with him, it has been this way as far back as I can remember. Sex has now become a chore, something I do solely for his benefit. I get resentful because of this, but sex has never been to me what it seems like it is to the rest of the world. So, honestly, what is the big deal? What am I missing out on? Also women, do you truly enjoy sex or is it for your husband?

I can offer you advice from a Biblical perspective. Jesus can set you free from that hurt and your past. Let me know if you desire that type of counsel. God bless you!

Madamagab--

Answering your last questions first. Oh yes. And now, after recognizing and working on our problems, it is better than ever. So, for me, sex isn't just something I do for my husband's benefit. He is wonderful.

Also, if you haven't already, go to the Q&A section of this site and click on How to Meet Emotional Needs. Dr. Harley has some Q&A columns that may help you on that issue. And if you haven't done so already, I'd look into an individual counselor to help you deal with the rape. I'm appalled that anyone, much less your mother, would say something like that. I can certainly see where you might not find trusting people easy.

As to that, trust is a difficult thing to gain and easy to lose. Is your husband aware of your background? If not, you need to tell him. If so, tell him about your feelings about trust. Ask him to help you learn to trust again. It doesn't sound as though you have any reason not to trust him, you just don't--probably because of your background. If that is the case, let him know that you are aware that there is no real reason not to trust him, but you need his help anyway.

From your initial message it sounds as though you made it here (i.e., to this website) early enough that you can reap the benefits of everyones else's wisdom (and there are some truly amazing people here who can offer you some wonderful ideas) without having to experience some of our problems. I hope that's true.

In the meantime, keep cruising this site. Read the things Dr. Harley has to offer and see if any of it can apply to you. And know that there are people out there that not only can, but want to help you. I'll be praying for you and your family. Good luck.

4Words

i believe trust is and can be earned. if a person lies to you a few times, the chances are they will lie and lie again. if a person is honest with you from the beginning, then they will probably be honest with you again and again. one very important thing i can tell you is that if you really love someone, be 100% honest with them. that is one way of expressing true love. To lie is to cheat, and I cannot think of anyone who enjoys being lied to or cheated on.

Analyze the honesty of your husband and then make an intelligent decision on whether or not you will trust him. Has he given you any doubt to his honesty? If he hasn't lied to you in 8 years, then you can be sure he is an honest man. Open up with each other and talk about honesty and what it means to both of you.

about the sex: it seems that you many be emotionally disturbed about the rape. I'm not sure about this though. a good excercise program can do wonders for your sex drive but i don't know if it will bring you any more pleasure. I believe this is an issue for a psychologist or trained professional.