Well we filed the papers yesterday to get shared legal custody, meaning all major decisions about school, medical and religion must be discussed on both sides, and shared physical custody. we live close enough that that may happen. So for ME and MY HUBBY we can offer one hell of a lot to the OC. We can offer love, wisdom, honesty a sense of a large family, compassion, honor, religion, the knowlegde that a child does not have to be in a "normal" home to know what a sense of family and love is. even if we only get visitation, meaning every other weekend i still believe we can offer the oc all those things. Do I think any of this will be easy, no way! Do I believe if i hadn't welcomed oc it probably would have lead to the end of my marriage, sure do. The ow has been sending pioctures and videos so we can catch up on all that we missed. i must admit she really is a good mom and she really only wants what is best for the child. She communicates with me because she feels like i am the one who is giving the most and she really does want me to love the Oc. i think if more ow would put their child first than perhaps more bs could accept oc. In any avent i am all ready falling in love with the little one through the videos and all and my kids , well the older one, understands they have a new sibling all she said" was cool". We are really going to talk more but i think the fact we let marriage heal and kids know that daddy is NOT going anywhere will make the dufference in their acceptance of their new sibling. So in conclusion i believe if your marriage can handle it we have a LOT to offer the oc! I an NOT saying my way is right every situation is different.

whatif,<BR> Thats great that you guys can do this together for the sake of the child. For most of us its not that why the ow that uses having a child to try to win the h and distroy a family are the hardest ones to deal with. To use children to distroy dose not make for a very good person to have to deal with. Glad things are going well for your family. with love flowerseed

What can my h offer the oc? --- why, the greatest gift of all, the opportunity to know ME!<P>Just kidding- I am a little keyed up in preparation for the cs hearing.<P>Whatif, you are absolutely right. I think we also can offer our oc a lot - we are probably going to be oc's only opportunity to learn what a stable home really is.<P>However, contact with oc is simply not viable for some couples, due to a myriad of reasons. I think everybody agrees that, given the right circumstances, contact with oc can be very beneficial to the oc. It's just that when the circumstances are NOT right, contact would be extremely detrimental to the child. <P>I envy you in that your ow seems to be willing to cooperate and assist you in getting to know oc. Ours won't relinquish so much as a baby picture, and continues to be extremely hostile.<P>Let me know how your visits go, once they start. I'm especially eager to hear details about how your children react, since mine have not yet met oc either.<P>-cd

whatif, your post was inspirational to me. <P>Like cd our ow has the utmost despising feeling toward me. She left H a message today that said if she could not call him forget visits as she wants nothing to do with me!<P>A lot has transpired since our one and only visit a week ago.<P>Basically she won't leave H alone. Hated me coming w/H to pick up baby. Will not let visits go through me.<BR>We have a seperate phone line and answer machine for her to call me to set up visits. She refuses.<P>My H said if she refuses he will not see the child till she gets it through her head it's about the baby....not her.<P>Love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Gem,<BR> How on earth do you keep from ringing her scanky neck? I couldnt do it I would have to choke her to death. When do you expect to get the test results back? <BR> with love flowerseed<BR>

CD and Gem,<P>Am there, am doing that (as opposed to "been there, done that"). We are on a visitation hiatus mostly to allow OW time to recover her self-control. Seeing me was just "too painful" for her. Huh???!!!??? I don't mean to laugh at her but sometimes I just have to shake my head.<P>I know that visitation had to be hard on her. She doesn't want OC to have a step-mother (whoops! shouldn't a slept with a married man, but that's a topic for a different post). The part that surprises me is this turn around after a couple of successful visitations. I think she finally realized that I wasn't going to go away (just as on our 2nd visit, I came to the realization that this was a life-time situation). I see her as desperate, broken and needy more than I see her as vindictive and manipulative. Well, manipulative, yes, but mostly out of an inability to control her own emotions and her own behavior. She is obviously a slave to her emotional state or she wouldn't have persued a relationship with a MM.<P>Mrs. Job<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Job (edited June 07, 2001).]

whatif,<BR>I'm truly happy for you that the situation can work like this for your family and OC, and I've no doubt that some step-family situations have much to offer OC. Congraduations on resolution!<P>I talked with a (new to me)military chaplain yesterday and I mentioned how the wives on this board struggle with the "what's the right thing to do" question. And he said there can't be one right way for everyone, it's just depends on the parties involved in their particular situation--AMEN.

Yes yes yes, this is the forum I know and love. Will someone please bookmark this thread so the next time someone accuses us of not accepting other people's choices as valid, we can shove it up there back side.<P>This is the most awesome group of women who truely care about one another. I feel honored and priveledge to know each and every one of you.<P><P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

whatif, my prayers are with you that the courts accept what you and your H have generously offered this child. I applaud your efforts and hope you will be able to show her what family is all about.<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Flowerseed we get the results around the 22nd of june.<P>Meanwhile my atty. sent her atty. a great letter stating how we were accorded parenting time already. How "MRS" Blank keeps calling all business phones of client ostensibly with regards to future relationship of "MRS." blank and his client.<P>This must cease immediatly. etc. etc.<P>Pretty good except after 5 calls yesterday she went to Fla. to be w/H and kids for a week.<P>It's ok. She'll get the letter. My H said if she refuses to set up visits w/me he just won't see the C. Period. She must respect our marriage, as I told her Sat. she is not an ex wife. She went nuts....I remained nice as can be. My H and his buddy, my son, my sister, all heard me politely say,"H does not wish to speak to you, this is about us coming to get the baby again before you go to Fla."<P>She flat out said if he wouldn't talk to her we could never see the baby...Then she left messages sat. on business phone. We've recorded all of them!!!<P>We'll see what's next.<P>I will not be mean or violent.<P>We will prevail. <P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....<p>[This message has been edited by gemini1 (edited June 08, 2001).]

Dear Whatif, <P>Your situation sounds ideal considering all that<BR>happened. You and the ow seem to be on the same page<BR>and have the children's best interest in mind.<BR>Unfortunately that cant always be the case, as Gem<BR>and others go thru more hell than necessary...<P>Congratulations and best of luck in all you do.<BR>

Gem, I really didnt mean to actually do anything to ow I should have said how do you keep from feeling like you want to. I would never actually touch ow either ti eckyy. You answered my question anyhow its great how far you two have come so soon. with love flowerseed

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by zebrababy:<BR><B>whatif, my prayers are with you that the courts accept what you and your H have generously offered this child. I applaud your efforts and hope you will be able to show her what family is all about.<BR> The Oc does have a good sense of family. The ow family is huge and they all live within ten minutes of her, and 15 to 30 from us. So you see there was no way this was ever going to stay hidden or kept a secreat. I now look like the martyr to everyone, my hubby loves me even more and I do have feelings for the OC. We had a visit with the OC today in the park, ow stayed in the backround but was around if oc got scared or anything. MY 7 year old loved playing the big sis and wanted to do everything and my one year old kept trying to keep up with the oc who is a year and a half. It was not as bad as I thought, I think it was killing the OW to see her child as part of MY family but I think she really wants what is best for the OC. This was not a court ordered visitation we don't go to court for a while but we worked out some visits on our own till the court date. i hope all keeps going well. All my hubby can say is how much more he loves me and that I am superwomen and he couldn't wait till tonight when he can make love to the best women he has ever met.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><p>[This message has been edited by whatif? (edited June 09, 2001).]

Your story sound a little similar to mine. Our OW despises me also. Doesn't want anything to do with me, only w/my H. If I buy anything for the OC and send it directly to her, she immediately calls my H and starts ragging on about me harrasing her. She wants me to give it to my H to drop off at her house. Yeah right...like I want him to go there. What do you do in your situation with the OW? Do you talk to her at all? What does your H say about the fact that she doesn't want anything to do with you, and yet she must realize that you are probably the one that cares for the OC when it's visitation time???<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by gemini1:<BR><B>whatif, your post was inspirational to me. <P>Like cd our ow has the utmost despising feeling toward me. She left H a message today that said if she could not call him forget visits as she wants nothing to do with me!<P>A lot has transpired since our one and only visit a week ago.<P>Basically she won't leave H alone. Hated me coming w/H to pick up baby. Will not let visits go through me.<BR>We have a seperate phone line and answer machine for her to call me to set up visits. She refuses.<P>My H said if she refuses he will not see the child till she gets it through her head it's about the baby....not her.<P>Love<BR>Debi<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Full of Grace,<BR>Yes I have talked to ow. She dared me to call her in a letter to my home. I waited a while then took it upon myself to call and practically beg her to let baby come here. She let him just one time. I went to get him w/H.<P>The next few days after we still put up w/her demands as we were frightened she wouldn't go for dna.<BR>Once I called the lab and found out she went the games stopped. My H told her no more calls or letters. She simply ignored that request.<P>She called his cell last Sat. He hung up. He asked me to call her and work my magic again. This time it didn't work. She let me know she was annoyed I showed up w/H to get baby. Kept saying she's the mother and H is the father. No one else should be involved for normalcy for baby.<P>I calmly told her he was MY H and they were never married. She knew he was married and choose to birth baby anyway.<P>What did she think would happen? She choose this life for baby. She was all fired up at me. I again gave her my phone number explaining no one else has it and there is an answer machine on it just for her to call and I will call her back and make visiting arrangements. It's about the baby seeing daddy....not the mother seeing my H. She flat out refused me.<P>4 days later she left a few more messages to H's business stating she will only go through H not "your wife" for visits or he can't see baby.<P>For one our lawyer wrote to her lawyer and said calls must stop immediately. She will get the letter next week when she comes back from spending time with her H and other 3 kids in Fla. <P>My H said he will refuse visits all together if she won't respect our marriage! Cool eh? <P>He will continue to hang up on her. We will continue to record her looney messages too.<P>Hope tis helped you.<P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....