I've been married for 18 years and have 5 children. My marriage turned sour 6 months ago. My husband have changed, he's not the same man I married. He was caring, considerate, a doting father and a man with morals.

Now he is shallow, work is his #1 priority, he is selfish, does not spend anytime with my children and his morals have changed.

We went to counseling for 5 months and was told recently that we didn't need to go anymore. My husband was a good BS artist and the counselor bought it hook line & sinker.

I think my husband is going through midlife crisis and I am having a hard time accepting his behavior. I've been to counseling to learn & deal with this ordeal, but in reality my husband is the one who needs it more than I and he refuses to go.

I'm afraid if he disappoints me one more time, I will just have to throw in the towel. He is away on a buriness trip now, trying to get a promotion and he will go to an adult club with his boss to get that promotion. Whereas in the past he stayed behind and made his own fun, like playing video games or just reading. He looked down on other married men who went to adult clubs in the past, now he is willing to go. That I cannot accept. I used to be proud and honored to be his wife, now I'm just disgusted and do not respect him at all. I feel that he is not a good role model for my children, they are very young and I am worried about their future.

Am I selfish to want a separation? I can sit back and wait until his midlife crisis is over, but how long will that take and am I ready to take a chance and hope that he will change back to his old self? What if he doesn't? I am confused and need advice.

Dear Wife,

Selfishness is something to consider, but how does it apply to Adult Clubs?

What does going to adult clubs represent to you?

What were your goals of the 6 months of counseling? Could you set other goals? What Goals? Have your shopped around for another counselor.

What is it that you would like to see your husband do more of with the children? What parenting courses have you take for teenagers?

Would you prefer that your husband keep attendance at adult clubs secret from you? Some husbands have no problem at home with adult clubs, because they make an exception to Radical Honesty, RH.

I have had discussions with women posting to MB, who share your fervor aginst extra marital visioning. Pornography or clubs, etc. Are you unwilling or unable to change your opinions on clubs? Have you sought counseling about your feelings? Can you explain a logical basis for the feelings? What does your father think about this? Will he tell you the truth?

Certainly it is a part of marriage to try to be considerate of the sensitiveites of your partner. It is also a duty to try to get over illogical roadblocks.

I'm reading Patterson 1987 ($35.99, 1-541-343-4433) on parenting adolescents. There are many ways for parents to be positively involved with their teenagers.

One way to view the problem is that you have failed to persuade your husband to be more involved with the kids. Patterson 1987, shows many positive ways.

Have you taken a teenager parenting course?

Have you shopped around for another counselor?

have you ever unloaded on your counselor? I yell at the counselor, if I feel they are wrong.

How do you plan to put 4 children through college by berating your husband? Who defines morals for you? What moral training have you had? Have you read Song of Solomon in the Bible?

You are not alone. There are a significan number of women who have real problems with their husband's perceived morals, and the wives are unable to function effectively in the marriage.

You can find support for moving out from a number of posters on MB. While you are not giving much detail abut your belief structure on morals, some other women would agree with you.

I would recommend that you switch to a Liberal Unitarian Church, and find broader moral values. Was it Paul that said, "Wives submit to your husbands." I would expect that you have enough to worry about, without worrying about adult clubs. When you have 2 or three children in college, at the same time, you will be thankful that your husband got his raises.

Anyone who starts talking about morals, post thie words here, and we will figure out a way to tell them they are wrong. One answer is to get those who talk morals, to tell them they are wrong, and why. List out what any one has ever said that adult clubs are bad, and let's tell them they are wrong. Take on a crusade to support your husband's enjoyment of adult clubs. Blast anyone who dares to criticize Adult clubs. Open a pornographic magazine stand.

Once your kids are thrugh collge, then you can start moralizing.

Best wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still struggling

<small>[ October 22, 2003, 10:01 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

Boy - I'm still reeling from DH's midlife crisis from 7 years ago... Here's whatI would do differently... Realize that hubby's ego is very important to him and find kinder ways of talking to him.. Where I thought I was being necessarily straightforward, he was reading it as highly critical and complaining. He escaped to the "outside" world because he wasn't getting his EN met at home, that is "honey, I'm proud of you" "I appreciate you working everyday to support our family." "I realize sales commissions are low but I know you're trying your best." If he doesn't get stroked at home, he'll find ways to get stroked out of the home - even by brown-nosing bosses, or finding 1 of the "thousands" of women who are looking for a "guy like him" (married or not)... My husband always told me that I picked the worst times to talk to him about our problems - that meant a shutdown for sure! - that's why the date nights are important... Have a few date nights before talking about the things that need to be corrected. - and don't forget to feed some of your own emotional needs yourself... like pampering yourself a bit - even if it's just 15 minutes a day break... Hang in there! Don't lose sight of what you can be thankful for and make sure he's aware of what you're thankful for too.