I have been reading your posts for a couple of months now - since I found out about A and OC. Post occasionally, but such a newbie feel that I don't have a lot to offer. I am feeling a need to vent, and H doesn't seem to get it (after trying again last night for an hour). I want to know WHY this happened. H's counselor says that I may not ever understand. Apparently, OW pursued my H VERY aggressively. .... I even think she timed it with ovulation to conceive.. .. . I am a Christian and am struggling with the fact that I hate this woman for what she has done to us. . .. I want answers, I want this to make sense, I want to move on. ... .Can not even kiss my husband. .. . .does not feel the same. Went from a '10" relationship to a "1" overnight. I am very thankful that there is NO emotional link between H and OW or OC, and we are both in counseling (separately at this point). It's like so many of your stories - they slept together 3 times, and boom, there's a baby. H did not even find out about the baby until after it was born.. . .. Which doesn't make sense to me. <BR>I am 7 months pregnant, and trying to focus on this baby verses the deep betrayal I feel. But I feel like I have to know WHY before I can move any further. My counselor says I have a right to know why. Are our counselors just on different pages????

Ann... I am so sorry for what you have lost in your relationship with your H. Please try not to let this OW have that & take it away from you. I know it is hard.<P>As for why they do it? Do they even know? The answers to why are as varied as the people involved. Some do it for the thrill of being pursued. Some because they have no self esteem. Some because their marriage are truely bad and they pursue "love" elsewhere instead of being an adult and fixing the problems they have at home. Some are just drunk and don't know what they are doing when a one-night-stand presents itself. A hundred & one reasons. The real issue is... most men may not know why they did this. An others know why, but the ugliness of what was going on inside them that allowed it to happen is just something they cannot face & admit to. <P>My H was just thrilled with the attention. He has a huge ego & actually no self esteem underneath it all. Someone finding him attractive, etc. was just too much. It meant more than the respect he would lose from peers. More than the loss of his home & family. And the fact that he was so drawn by this attention was too much for him to admit to. It showed how very shallow he really is.<P>Anyway... don't worry so much about the "why". Work on where you are at now. Someday the "why" will come out. Just please don't let the anger eat you up. Take care... Carolyn

Boy I feel your pain ann,<BR>first I will presume you have had the DNA testing?<BR>If you follow this board, you know my OW LIED H was not the father (this after her getting 9 months of CS). She is now now where to be found. These woman LIE ...maybe she needed to have a "good" man be the father, and she was already pregnant. Our OW needed on with a good cash flow, so she picked my H...I am sure now she was already pregnant...I was suspecious when the baby was born 3 weeks early and was almost 9 lbs ( 8 lb 14 oz) I have had 2 early 4 weeks 5lbs 12; and 3 weeks -6lbs 4oz . anyway..dont believe till the DNA is in..<BR>I have been really angry at my husband, I am not close to plan A..in fact he seems to be doing plan A..<BR>I have seen you post here..I think you should continue to do so the girls here help me tremendiouly..they can you too.<P>You Know the one thing that helped me...was I had to really ask my self one question..."do I love my husband?" so if I do I have to work on forgiving ..and trust me that was a hard question...cuz there were times I looked at him, and I did not know who he was..and I really did not like him anymore...BUT when I was thinking about A and the reprecussions..I remembered why I loved him...it helps..<BR>I also felt it was MY responsiblity to keep my family intact, My H works our businessess, and I run all aspects of our home that is my job...when the crap hits the fan at work..H does not quit, and I have the same responsiblity to my family not to quit..because the crap hit the fan at home...I know it sounds simple, but it is what we agreed to.<P>I also hate the fact I cant trust him, he is gone alot (not traveling..just busy with work) and I felt it was unfair of him to but that distrust in me...but now he has to live with it. I needed to know if he had cheated before..so I hired a man to come to his office and he took a lie detector test ( found him in the yellow pages, under lie detector, poligraphy)cost me 250.00 but was worth it..I too found it strange that a 3 week affair could result in a Pregnancy ( also 3 times, but could have only gotten pregnant on one of those occasion). But he was telling the truth. Oh FYI if we had gone to him it would have been cheaper. was the best thing for my peice of mind..anyway..please stick around..you will find what you need here..really!! (((huggs)))MC

Dear ann99,<P>Hi, I only have a minute but I wanted to add that<BR>the uncontrollable feelings of rage and needing to<BR>know EXACTLY why this happened will become easier to<BR>deal with as time goes by.<P>As you can probably tell, alot of the men do not want<BR>to discuss what happened to any great detail.<BR>Like Taking Care said, I think it is very painful for<BR>them to comprehend the damage done but a careless act.<BR>I believe Heavenly has said that there will never be<BR>a completely satisfactory answer for you (us) because<BR>what has happened is beyond comprehension.<BR>One day at a time, and with the help of your H, you can<BR>enjoy life again.<BR>Rest all you can, you only have 2 mos before your precious<BR>baby will be in your arms!<BR>TAke care, fluke

Ann,<BR> I think that the need to know why is our way of making sure it never happens again. The way I felt how could I fix something if I didnt know why it happened. For some of it there just is never going to be a good enough answer. I had to tell my h if he wouldnt answer my questions then all that left me was to make up my own answers that seemed to help. Just post what is on your mind I have got most of my help with dealing with this by people just saying whats on there mind. Hang in there Ann it takes time and with that time some of the answers do come. with love flowerseed

Ann - I have been seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist. It wasn't until a different counselor told me my husband's PA had nothing to do with me and was all to do with how he felt about himself that things very slowly began to clear. That's not saying I agree. I feel like it had alot to do with me and my children and certainly the effects do. But it did help me put it into perspective. It helps best when I think of my husband as someone who had a breakdown. What he did is so out of character for him that it's the only way it makes sense. I also believe that if your counselor doesn't work for you (or him) find another one!!! They are only human, don't have all the answers and have their own beliefs and predjudices that they follow. Hope this helps.<BR> Kris

Dear Ann,<P>I think flowerseed hit it on the head -- part of our need to know why is to figure out where it went wrong so that it doesn't go wrong again. We feel this incredible need to fix whatever was supposed to be broken. And that is a good thing because there probably were some bad feelings or misunderstandings in the air that contributed to your H's succumbing to the OW.<P>I found it was helpful not to ask my H why he got involved with the OW, but to limit our conversations to what he was feeling at the time about OUR marriage. I tried to get him to talk about what he felt was wrong with us instead of what had been so great about the OW.<P>My H also wanted to put the OW to rest forever, but he was willing to talk about the two of us as long as I did not try to make comparisons. The OW is out of the picture and there is really no need to know or provoke any more thought about her.<P>But, when I was in counselling I was told that regardless of the reason he gives, it will never be good enough. Let's face it -- in a marriage there are problems, tensions, disagreements. Wives and husbands both get unhappy sometimes. But, we have taken vows and bonded our lives together. The wayward spouse broke that sacred bond. The faithful spouse chose to deal with the problems within the confines of the marriage. So, if we could do it, there was always the possibility that they could have worked it out the same way.<P>There is no way to justify what my H did. The only thing I can fully understand now are the feelings that led to his weakness and caused him to make the mistake. <P>I can agree with others though, that as time passes, all of this becomes less and less important as you begin bonding back together. I am sending prayers your way to deal with this difficult road you are on. We're all on it with you.<P>love,<BR>heavenly

Thank you to each of you for the taking the time to respond. <BR>My Cross - when I read about the DNA test I was SOOOOO happy for you. But also experienced a severe pang of jealousy. We have not had a DNA test yet. For some reason, I do not want it. It's like it would seal my fate that "yes, this really is happening to me". I have not seen OC, but husband tells me she looks very much like our 21 month old son. .... And that was enough for me. <BR>The venting is good, and hearing from you, the Wives, that the reasons "WHY" may not be answered is helpful. Isn't it awful that I have lost trust for H? Isn't it amazing that I trust each of you (hat I have never/probably will never meet) more than my husband of 6 years? Thank you God for this posting. <BR>The DNA testing also means contact with OW. And I hate that. Taking care you are right! She does have control over me! She lives close (within 10 miles) and I have a fear of running into her in the mall, store, etc. I want MY power back! <BR>Thank you, thank you, thank you for letting me vent. Your responses are a life line. The unborn baby thanks you too. .. Unfair to this unborn person to have such a stressed out mom!

Ann,<P>I swore the OC looked just like our oldest..I did not even think we needed DNA..SURPRISE!!...babies tend to look alike...you will not know for sure until you do the DNA....besides..dont you already feel as if your fate is sealed???...do the test..you never know..Good luck..MC

Ann it must be some kind of stage you are in. I was there a short time ago. I no longer fear running into ow.<P>I think Harleys should give this group a set of Q's to answer on stages of recovery then write a book. For men and women like us to let us know each feeling we have is NORMAL...<P>I hope things get better for you. Pregnancy is stressful enough.....<P>As for the why? My H said it was the excitement and the way she responded to him during sex. Like he was superman. But be reassured HE did not share those feelings about ow. Said he knew it was wrong and just seperated himself into 2 different people!<P>Said our lovemaking has meaning and he's completely fulfilled. Loves his life now and thanks me all the time for his second chance. Says those few yrs. he didn't recognize himself and stopped feeling anything all together!<P>A has been over almost a year (july) and he still can't believe what he did and almost lost.<P>We are waiting for dna now. Time frame as to when A ended and birth of baby seems about right. I doubt she'd take dna knowing it was her H's not mine.<P>Hope I've helped you Ann.<P>Love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....<p>[This message has been edited by gemini1 (edited June 10, 2001).]