Dear MoJo,<P>Something that you posted under another thread jumped out at me this morning and I wanted to send you a message. You said that you were calling the OW and driving by her house and she had told your H to tell you to stop or she would get a restraining order. And you were hurt that your H backed the OW up. That brought back memories for me.<P>My H would constantly defend the OW. She would complain that I called her and he would say "back off". She would make demands and he would always comply. He would tell me "how difficult it must be for her - trying to raise a child alone". <P>I would, of course, be outraged and accuse him of caring more about her feelings than mine, and of caring more about the OC than our children. These days, since my H and I have reached a much better level of communication, I have found out some pretty amazing things.<P>First, of all he was terribly afraid of the OW. She had the power to make our lives hell -- financially and emotionally. My H has an excellent job and he did not want her continually filing for more CS. But more than the money, she knew where he worked, and could have written to his employer, told the whole story about the A, showed up constantly at his job, and just made his life unbearable at work.<P>Also keep in mind that your H may have told the OW more than he admits to you. My H's OW knew his family, where they lived, knew things about my family, and even knew some things about our friends that he had told her in conversation. She had the opportunity at any time to start contacting all of these people -- again just to make our lives miserable.<P>And, worst of all, she had the power to tell our children. To this day, our kids don't know and we want to keep it that way.<P>It is a great thrill to harass the OW, but in the end you may have much more to lose than you are willing to risk. And, definitely, your H has a vested interest in keeping her happy because she can ruin him financially and ruin his reputation at work, among family and among friends.<P>Sorry this is too long, but I just want to share an anecdote with you. I am lucky that the OW did not try to take my H to cleaners. He pays her a reasonable amount and she does ask for extras, which he gives, but she has not involved the courts. One day I said to him that, I guess we should be grateful to her for at least not trying to suck us completely dry.<P>My H turned to me, enraged, and said, if she really wanted to be a nice person she would not have gotten pregnant or she would have given up the OC for adoption. And, it was at that point that he broke down and told me how afraid he has been of her all these years and tried to keep her happy and keep me off of her. <P>It was as if, once he felt that I understood the position he is in, then he was free to share his real feelings. Needless to say, it was a powerful moment that truly bonded us together. And it was so wonderful to understand that it was not "caring" that had made him so protective of her.<P>So, please be careful, MoJo, don't give her more of an upper hand that she deserves.<P>love,<BR>heavenly<P>[This message has been edited by heavenlybody26 (edited June 09, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by heavenlybody26 (edited June 17, 2001).]

Dear MoJo,<P>I am bringing this back up to the top in case you missed it.

Although he hasn't admitted it in too many words, I think that there was emotional blackmail going on in my H's affair also. I know that she threatened to tell me a couple of times and I think that a couple of those times were when he tried to (or did) break up with her.<P>He did lie to her and tell her that he had already told me, long before I actually found out. I am sure that it was to take that power away from her.<P>What does strike me is that after the beginning, he did not seem to enjoy the relationship too much. He was racked by guilt, afraid of dying with a mortal sin unconfessed, afraid of what my finding out would do to me and to our marriage. I am not tryig to make excuses for him, but just trying to understand his position.<P>MJ

<BR>Thanks heavenly,<P>It is just so frustrating that H is so worried about making OW angry but doesn't seem to care about my anger. He keeps saying what a good friend she was, how she comforted him, it just makes me sick. It feels like he doesn't want her to be angry so she can still be his friend. Maybe this is still part of the fog?? I just want H to realize that "they" ruined their frienship by having sex and OW getting pregnant, I didn't do anything, but I feel like he resents me.....<P>I will no longer try to contact OW, I guess I just wanted to because she has been VERY quiet, like she is waiting for my H to end his marriage and be with her, do you think that could be what she's doing?? Will she eventually get the message and then try to contact me, I'm just so confused, I feel like my H is also confused. It feels like a bomb is just waiting to go off.....I'm getting more depressed everyday.<P>Thanks for you responses.

Mrs.J said:"What does strike me is that after the beginning, he did not seem to enjoy the relationship too much."<P>My H said the same thing. After DDay, H told how unhappy he was around her, racked with guilt, got blackmailed when he tried to end it... the A takes on a life of its own and is hard to stop, I think, esp. for a "good" guy who wants to avoid conflict and keep everyone happy... which gave her more time to get pregnant. He felt tons better at first just by confessing! As we got stronger and after his work knew, he quit caring about pleasing the xow. Just this year, 3 years later, he said it felt good to have someone pursuing HIM for a change and that, with the pain in our lives too, caught him offguard. So, now I know it WAS more her than him...! Interesting, esp. since it's been so long.<P>Mojo, I'm sorry your H doesn't recognize your pain and the illness of the xow. If she were REALLY his friend, she wouldn't have tried to ruin his life!!!! He needs a priority check, bigtime!!!<p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited June 19, 2001).]

Mojo7,<BR>That's exactly the same way my H acted. Now it's a different story. When he didn't want to upset her it made me crazy. I wondered why? As Heavenly said, they get confused and afraid.(with good reason).<P>I do think it's the fog. It just lifts one day and recovery takes over. When that happens you will know and not be as hurt.<P>It has made all the difference in the world to me seeing H dislike her and wonder how she could do this. He never thought she'd turn into a witch. See? The fog. We just start looking better and better. We are not the liars! See?<P>Prayers to you.<BR>Love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

I'm beginning to want to contact the OW less and less....I can see how she gets more control over the situation if she knows how bad she gets to me. I have had no contact with OW, however that's not to say that I still sometimes want to give her a piece of my mind and ask her does she have a clue of the magnitude of hurt she has caused?!!! I think if I write a letter detailing my feelings and not send it, just write it and seal it up then shred it or burn it, maybe that would help me get these thoughts out of my head, at least for a little while! Anyway, I would agree with the consensus that no contact should be had with OW.