Hello all - I've dona a lot of soul searching and listened to some good advice I've decided to give counseling some time. I think I can give it about 6 months and then I'll have a pretty good idea of what is going on. That's November and if there is so real commitment from my husband then - I've certainly tried everything I could. I read on another post that a divorce isn't given it has to be earned. Ok, so I will take a deep breathe......<P>So... I have been in a real strict Plan B for the last 10 months. I only contacted husband by paper and then it was really only money related. Well now if we are going to counseling together should I attempt Plan B or Plan A behaviors? My previous Plan A was a little too much. I was still in panic mode and husband wasn't the least receptive but said I was pushing him. I think he was too screwed up at the time to accept it.<P>Ok what do you all think? Plan A or Plan B - I trust you guys the most.<P> Kris<p>[This message has been edited by quakermom321 (edited June 10, 2001).]

Kris,<P>If you are going to be in regular contact with your husband through counseling, then I think you are in Plan A. Remember, Plan A's primary goal is to make the WS feel safe in the marriage mostly by eliminating love busters. Is your counselor willing to use some of the MB tools such as the Love Busters and Emotional Needs Questionnaires? I think it might be a good way for you to identify what your H is looking for in the relationship.<P>I know it seems like this is double punishment for you if he isn't committed to working as hard as you have worked and are working, but as you know from reading on the forums, many times that is what is needed to get the WS past the guilt of what they have done.<P>I wish you the best!<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Terri - thank you again. You have been very helpful, I was thinking I would probably do a modified Plan A. For example I had asked my husband to take my daughter on her field trip<BR>tommorrow (which he had agreed to do). He just called and said his car broke down on the way home and couldn't take her. In the past (married life and Plan B) I think I would have not been as understanding. But this time I just said these things happen and I'll take care of it. Plan A means to me loving behaviors and I think for my husband it means especially not treating him like he's stupid or incompetent.<BR>Any other plan A tips would be appreciated. and Terri - your previous post to me was very helpful in helping me come to some kind of conclusion regarding which path I was ready for at this point. Thanks again<P> Kris

Kris, you are very very welcome.<P>I think you are onto something with your realization that loving behaviors may partially be a matter of adjusting your reactions to issues that come up. Reacting in a way that is non-judgmental and non-threatening is difficult sometimes, but is really the best way to achieve a better relationship with ANYONE. I know that part of my contribution to the breakdown of my marriage was in my reaction to things my husband said or did ... similar to what you have said - treating him as if he were stupid or incompetent.<P>Have you ever read "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman? If not, I would like to recommend it to you (and anyone in loving relationship). I think you might be able to find some useful ideas in that book!<P>And you know what, Kris? No matter what happens - YOU will be OK! <BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

quakermom,<BR> All you can do is try if thats what you want then go for it. Try to follow your heart if something doesnt feel right then dont be afraid to say so. I dont really know what to say to you so I havent said much. Heres some things that I got out of a book that might help to do with communication.<BR> <BR> Before I can love you,<BR> I must get to know you, and<BR> before I get to know you <BR> I must be able to communicate with you.<P>Here is something else I found that I think we can all use.<BR>Our attitudes toward each other are like magnifying glasess-they enlarge whatever we focus on. If we encourage each other, we'll bring out the best. Conversely, if we nag and pick, we'll bring out the worst.<P> I found with my h what I was saying at times he would take it totally diffrent from what I meant. In other words he took it as me bit***** at him. Things he would say I did the same what I thought he was saying was not at all what he meant. We have to make sure when either one of us has a problem with something the other is saying or isnt saying that we dont just let it go we talk about it until there is understanding on both parts. You would not believe how some of the things I would say my h took so diffrent and was not at all what I meant. <BR> I just wanted to say your plan sounds good hope things work out for your family we will be here for you.<BR> with love flowerseed<BR> <BR>

Flowerseed,<P> Thank you. I know what you mean about misinterpreting what each other says and does. I think we've done that. I'm an upfront person and would ask right away. But my husband is a conflict avoider and spent years not disagreeing, rolling over and finally begininng to feel that he lost himself. All he had to do is SPEAK UP!!!<P> I feel better since I gave myself a deadline (it's not set in stone but it helps me feel like I have SOME control I guess.) I'm not telling husband or counselor about it yet. We'll see what happens. Thanks again for your advice.<P> Kris