My wife of not quite 4 yrs had an affair with a co-worker for 6 months. She left him saying it was a stupid thing to do and she was sorry. However, she is 4 months pregnant with his child! She explainded all this to me when she moved back into her house. I was asked to leave the her house in Feb. and have been living with my parents ever since. she moved out of her /our house for about a month and lived with the OM. <P>We are in marriage counciling and trying to put things back together. She has had a lot of difficulty with the pregnancy thus far; bleeding, pain, amnio leakage. She is 38yo and had a terrible time with her first pregnancy and delivery 7 yrs ago. <P>We had talked about putting the child up for adoption when it was born since termination was not an option she would consider. Now she is not sure she can adopt this little parasite and is angre and becoming distant with me because I don't welcome my wife's and an other man's baby with open arms. How could she want to keep a product of deceit and infidelity and how can she expect me not to be upset about this? <P>The OM has no interest in the child. I have no interest in the child. I do not want to be reminded and burdened with the thought and aftermath of my wife's affair for the rest of my life. it will be a difficult enough time dealing with the emotional and mental aspects of this betrayal.<P>If I sound like an unfealing, selfish [censored]. I'm sorry. I don't know what to do. God, I can't take much more of this rollercoaster ride!!!

Oh my, you have come to the right place. Vent, shout and scream right here. We welcome you with open arms and the same saddness in our hearts.<P>Most of the people here are women who'd husbands have children as a result of their infidelity. But we have some very special men here who are currently in your shoes. I'm sure they will be along to help you deal with your specific pain.<P>The cards we have been dealt are very unfair. I too thought just 7 short months ago there was no hope for a future with my husband. Many ups and downs later I am hopeful. My husband's famous words: We are a work in progress.<P>Believe me, with time the pain of this affair lessens. It never goes away. Especially with the constant reminder of a child. But through time you become better equiped to deal with that pain and allow joy to be in the forefront of your life.<P>Your grieveing and anger is natural and nothing to be ashamed of. Never ever feel bad about licking your wounds. Especially amongst such good company here. You will grow to love each and every person on this board. I appreciate all of them for thier individualism and strength. <P>Again welcome. I'm sorry I couldn't help you more specifically to your problem. Please continue to post so we may get to know you better and lend a compassionate ear.<P><P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Dear InANightmare,<BR>I know how awful this must feel for you. It IS like a nightmare. Stephen Spielberg could never write anything this awful.<P>I am bs. It's been over 6 months actually closer to 7.<P>H and I are trecovering w/limited visits w/oc.<P>You do not have to accept the child! I know it must be a daily reminder and a knife in your heart to see W expecting om C.<P>Do you have children? Do you want to save the marriage?<P>I suggest reading as much as you can on the Harley's principals.<P>I will pray for you.<P>Come here often and vent as you wish. We will try our best to help.<P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

in a nightmare, I am a wife who found out her h had a 3 year affair which produced a child now over one. I didn't find out, however, till 4 months ago about affair and child when H told me in one single sentence about both. I have been devastated and destroyed nearly by this all.We have been married over 20 years, two young kids 8 and 4. I am not sure if we will survive, as H had been sort of playing father to OC) other child) before I knew of it's existence.Since that time, the issue of him having contact with the OC is so traumatic to me, and so morally wrong for me and our family that I have told him if he has contact, I will consider separation and divorce, By the way, had I been in your wife's shoes, I would have given child up for adoption if I wanted to heal marriage and our family life. I have told this to H who feels he must be father to OC- but at what expense to our life and our kids life who are then cheated of life they were lovingly brought into? I think it is very difficult for the WS ( wandering spouse) to consider giving up contact with child, but I truly feel that in some cases, not all, that is what must happen.There are some couples here who have accepted OC into their lives somehow, someway, I for one wish she didn;t exist and the only way I can get up day to day is if she is not in my or H's life. If he does not honor my needs on this, I suppose we are through. A very sad day for me, but I am very tired having to be the one to accept all this crap H has done,a nd his lover, and be the only one sacrificing for our life and family. H never wanted to leave me for OW , he claims, but if he has contact with OC it will be the same as if he has. I feel his betrayal of me and affair and lack of protection for pregnancy already pointed him toward breaking up our family. He now must shoulder a big burden to keep our family intact, pay a big price as do I if we have any chance of staying together trying to repair the damage.It will take years, so be prepared for that.<BR>I am sorry for your pain, I know the pain of this discovery is the worst thing imaginable. 4 months into it, is has lesssened some for me but I have a whole in my heart and a physical pain that probably will never go away and there are many days I wonder if i can live the rest of my life like this. I try for our kids, and they are beautiful. I just hope my H tries as hard as well. Keep posting. People here are very supportive.

In a Nightmare,<P>I am in your W's shoes, as I had an affair, and became pregnant. My H is raising Abbi as his own, and OM isn't involved, and doesn't even know about her, and hopefully never will. I am not saying that you should, or have to accept this child. Abbi will be 3 months old next week, and is the joy of our lives( along with her older sister and brother)! What I want to say to you is to support your W at this time. If you want your marriage to be healed, you need to concentrate on her, and help her through this tough pregnancy. You have 5 months in which to decide what to do, and to work on repairing your marriage. I am happy to hear that you are both in marriage counseling. Keep working on that, first and foremost. I wish I could offer more advice, just wanted to let you know that it can work out, if that is the road you end up traveling down.<P>Tigger

In a nightmare,<P>Please...if you continue to feel this way.. make sure that your wife doesn't put your name on the birth certificate when the baby is born. In a lot of states the baby's Father is considered to be the husband..even if it's not his biological child. Paternity suits are failing and many men are paying for children that aren't theirs. Protect yourself if you think you'll still be unsure when the baby is born.<P>I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

I hear you! My fiance had an affair with a woman who is now supposedly preganant with twins that he helped to create. He wants to work it out but I still am wavering. The road ahead with him looks so impossible. Every time I think that I am just going to leave that I do not want to deal with and don't think that I can, the old us, the good us, the great us resurfaces and gives me a glimmer of hope. He feels that the "right" thing to do is be involved with them, unfortunately that means he is still involved with the OW. It's all so hard. I keep applying a concept I learned while snowboardIng, "5 feet at a time". That's what I'm trying to do with this too. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, just do the same for me okay?<P>Zebrababy, I've been reading the boards for a couple of weeks now and I hope your husband realizes what an amazing person he has in you and never again forgets. Your advice is always compassionate and empathetic. Thank you for sharing such personal details of your life with us, because for me it does make a difference.<BR>Thank you for being a friend.

<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>In a lot of states the baby's Father is considered to be the husband<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Oh my, the capitalization of "father" indicates that this is a religious leader. So the baby's religious leader is declared the baby's husband as well. Nah, that can't be right! <P>All states have a presumption of paternity. InANightmare is married and is automatically the legal father of the child. If he does nothing, he can and will be ordered to pay "child support" for the children of the marriage in the event of a later divorce, including the child his wife is now carrying. <P>In some states the only way to break this obligation is to file for divorce and deny paternity of the child. However, as there is another child of the marriage, InANightmare would most likely not get custody and would be forced into paying extortionary "child support" for the 7 year old. That runs roughly 25% of net income these days (I personally think that's out of line, but I'm simply reporting the facts). The marginal cost of an additional child is usually about 3% more, depending on the state guidelines. So the "child support" bill isn't substantially higher if a divorce occured, except that once the first child was emancipated he'd be paying on the OM's child for years afterwards, at the 25% rate to boot. Depending on your assumptions, the total "child support" bill for the OM's child during that period could easily exceed the total "child support" bill for the 7 year old if he divorced now.<P>Now its probably the case that InANightmare can unilaterally file a paternity action against the OM. This would oblige the OM to have to pay "child support" and would preclude a paternity judgment against InANightmare later on. However, most would argue that having the OM around endangers the marriage more than the benefit of receiving "child support" would warrant. I support this view. I think InANightmare should decide what boundary conditions he wants. Raising an OM's child is a tall order and if he doesn't want to do it, he should tell his wife. If she doesn't agree to give the baby up for adoption, he should divorce and deny paternity of the child. I don't think trying to repair a marriage while simultaneously filing a paternity action makes sense.<P>Bystander

Sad Eyes,<P>Be careful, you might swell my head!!!!!! I'm glad that there are lurkers like you out there reading our posts and getting something from them. There are so many wonderful people here who share so much of themselves everyday.<P>And I truely believe that people like us who have been dragged through hell and back are better human beings because of it. If you had little empathy and compassion before something like this, you quickly feel a rush of it when your pain starts to heal. <P>My heart bleeds at the thought of others going through this pain. I wish to God we could get people who are considering affairs to read the tearful stories on this board. Perhaps it would sway them from making the worst choice of their lives.<P>Am glad you consider me a friend. If you ever need a pep talk, just holler. I'm great at giving them. But I'm at my best when my personal rollercoaster ride is at the station for a rest. When times are tough at home, I'm more of a taker on this board than a giver. But that's the beauty in it. We are all here to lift each other up when we slide down.<P>Thanks again.<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

up for our newest member.<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.