I just found out that within the lastr week, while I was gone, the ow moved to a nearby big city. It is about 10 minutes closer to our home than her last place. My H didn't tell this to me. He has more reasons to go there than to the other town. A few months ago she was saying that she wanted to move there beacause there was more nightlife and partying. GAG! What about their child? She is an over 30 party girl,how pathetic! What should I do with this info?Iam more upset becasue h didn't tell me about it. And her mother is also leaving to go back home in a month or so. He told me that.So that means she will be desperate trying to raise the child by herself.She will need hishelp even more. He said that he won't help her anymore than he is now. Help!

Good morning, blue! I don't think I can be of much help to you, but I have read your post and am thinking. At best, the only advice I can offer is don't focus so much on the OW. Your going beyond your reach and worrying about something you can't control. Instead, reach for that which is within your grasp and ability to impact...you, H, and your marriage. Why doesn't H tell you these things? Doesn't he realize the negative affect these "things" have on you? It's almost as if he's stuck in a vacuum. If it doesn't bother him, then it shouldn't bother you, right? He doesn't acknowledge your feelings as valid or important. That's a very dangerous thing to do...in any relationship.

blue00, I don't remember whether you are paying Cs or not, whether you have contact with OC or not. I know how frightening it is to have OW and OC closer to where you live Mine lives only 5 miles away, and it makes it very hard for me just to live in my community, drive around, be in front of my house thinking one day she will show up with child demanding to see daddy. I think it depends on what your relationship has been to this point with OW-any contact, with her or child. What are you and H's plans related to this ? I understand being angry at H for not telling you but I imagine, not unlike mine, he thinks he was probably trying to protect you. How old is child, how long since discovery for you?what are your main concerns related to OW being closer?

Dear Blue,<P>I am very glad that our OW lives 2000 miles away so I truly don't know what it would be like having her so near that she could be a constant threat our marriage. I do know however that we have to begin to accord our WS with some trust. If they have been true to their word since Dday or have been moving in the right direction since that time, I think that at some time we have to begin to trust again or we will make ourselves sick and drive them from the marriage.<P>That is much easier to say than to put into practice, I know it. When my H goes back to work and begins to travel 1/2 time on business, I am sure that you all will see me here posting for help.<P>If he is proving to be trustworthy, Blue, tell him about your fears in a non-judgmental way. Tell him honestly how you fear her and what she might be able to do to your marriage. Ask him if he has any ideas to help you feel safer. I think that they take it better and are more compliant if they ideas come from them, not from us. <P>My husband needs to travel this month back to where we used to live (OW no longer lives there. She is now back in her home state. However, last year she tagged along on the trip and they feel back into their physical affair briefly even though OC had already been born). I recently told him how nervous I was about his trip. He really empathisized and told me he will be staying with a friend of ours and I can call him there (instead of his cell phone) so that I will know that he is physically where he is supposed to be. I know that this friend knows nothing of the A and my H wants it to stay that way so he doesn't lose this man's respect. So I have no fear that H and OW will be staying together with this friend. He also agreed not to tell OW that he will be traveling out to our old town. She has friends there and might try to fly out to see him. He also told me that he knows that going behind my back would be the instant end of our marriage and that is the last thing on earth that he wants. Praise God, the fog begins to lift, albeit 9 months after Dday.<P>Mrs. Job

Whoops! I missed that bit in your email that he didn't tell you about this.<P>Maybe it truly didn't mean anything to him or maybe he was trying to avoid conflict or avoid causing you any further worry. Try explaining (non-judgmentally) that you would like him to be extra-careful to tell you anything that he might find out about OW. That it might seem an unimportant bit of news for him, but he needs to go one step further and consider how you would feel about this new piece of information and whether you feel that you need to know about it. Maybe if he doesn't feel he will get clobbered for something he has no control over (her moving to a new place) he might be more forthcoming if he saw telling you this as another way to prove that he wants to be completely honest with you. Tell him it will help you build your trust in him when he is able to tell you such things without you having to learn it from others or pry it out of him.<P>All the best, <BR>MJ

I am looking back over the last few weeks and now think he helped her move. I also saw her new number written on a piece a paper in his home office. I can't stand the fact that he acts like he is clueless about her plans when I know full well that she calls him a lot and tells him everything. Also living in this city is more expensive. Where did she get the money for all of the deposits? Who moved her?She wouldn'y rent a truck. My biggest problem is that he is still acting as if she lives in her old town. I won't live with a man who needs this life on the side for his ego. Her job was also in the old town. She can't work off of school campus because she is here on a student visa. And for the other ?'s, I have known about the ow since day one. We were separated when they met. I found out about the pregnancy 6 weeks after my h moved home. The oc will be 2 in Sept.

Blue... I remeber so much about all your posts that this really scares me. Here are my issues:<P>1) your H has never really agreed to POJ with you concerning contact, visits, etc. <P>2) no complete honesty about contact. You have validated that before. If he knew she was moving, he should have talked to you about it. Why would he think that you have no right to know these things?<P>I read your post about not really feeling like he was very mature & that you may have been trying to put marriage back together to "win". I knwo that feeling. I was there. Now I look at what I was trying to win and see that my H has so many problems and he always has. It is still hard to break up my children's family, but I cannot allow them to see me live with a dishonest person who is so self-centered. He has basically never treated me very well and now is trying to act like I am the one who is breaking up our home (I am going ahead with divorce). He will always maintain contact wit OW (they work together). And he sees nothing wrong with it. <P>I hope I am not just prejudiced because of my situation, but I recall so many of your posts that set off alarms for me. Please be observant about what is going on in your life. If you do not feel like complete honesty is happening, step back and take a hard look at where you are going. Take care... Carolyn

Dear Blue,<P>I have to admit there were alarms going off in my head also. Why do you think he helped her move? <P>If he is still disrespecting you and still seeing her I think maybe it is a Plan B time. I ahve never had to go through that and I could only imagine how difficult it would be but if he is doing such things behind your back, even if he is nto sleeping with her he is still being deceitful and still leading a double life. That is unacceptable. Put your foot down Blue and make a statement about you and your life. This is your marriage and no one has the right to share it with you. <P>I will be praying for you and please be good to yourself.<P>Love<BR>bw

Blue,<BR> I'm so sorry he is still treating you this way you dont deserve this. I really dont know how you have hung on as long as you have. I to believe its time for him to get a rude awakening. He needs to see that he cant have everything his way, there has to be give and take he has taken enough. How do you find out these things that he always fails to tell you? Take back the control in your life you will find it feels much better then what your feeling now.Again so sorry with love flowerseed <p>[This message has been edited by flowerseed (edited June 12, 2001).]

Ijust checked our internet log, nothing for h on Sunday. I came home on monday. If he was home he would've used it. He didn't work either. So i am assuming the worst, he spent the day with the oc.Maybe even the night. He told me he was at our store until midnight. UNLIKELY . Ididn't call Sunday so i have no proof. I am not doing well

Blue,<BR> Have you ever talked to the ow? I dont know if this is the right thing to do or not but since h doesent ever want to tell you anything. I would see if you could somehow see what her side of the story is. I used to do what you are doing as far as checking out things but I never found anything, and when I thought something was wrong I would just ask its got to be terrible not being able to get a straight answer. Where is your h right now?<BR> with love flowerseed

Blue<BR>I feel so many alarms honey. I've felt them before but didn't want to post.<P>Run to plan B.<P>I think you've put up w/enough.<P>I will pray for you.<P>Love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

The best thing about beating your head against a brick wall is when you stop it doesn't hurt anymore.<P>Blue, your husband might be living a double life and is unwilling to commit completely to the marriage. I know that this is probably infuriating and frustrating because of all the time you've put into the marriage trying to repair and restore. But at a certain point, Blue, there comes a time to say 'enough' and not keep hanging on just for the satisfaction of 'winning'. <P>Plan B is the only other alternative and you should implement that NOW and stick to it rigidly, no back peddling...and if you cannot maintain a strict Plan B, it might be time to cut your losses because the same thing keeps coming through in your posts...that your husband is lying to you, probably seeing the OW and OC, and you are miserable, miserable, miserable.<P>My time line is akin to yours with OC almost two in August. I have had a very rocky road with spouse but his issues are alcoholism and the bipolar thing. I've been through the fire but I still think I've got a better deal than you do because my husband has nothing to do with either OW or OC. It is something I know I could absolutely not tolerate under any circumstances because I have become an extremely jealous and suspicious person...and I admit it. While I really, really was driven at first to be the 'winner', now it doesn't matter to me....now I am driven by my desire to make our lives whole again...and if I have to do it alone, so be it. I am that tired of the battle. It just ain't worth it anymore, unless my husband maintains sobriety and takes his meds.<P>Blue, you are in so much pain all the time and living in a world filled with questions and suspicions...how are you surviving this? How are you able to function? How is this effecting your children and your friends and family? And finally, Blue, is this guy really worth all this turmoil?<P>Focus on a strict plan B for a few months to be sure before you do anything legal. That way you will know for sure...Plan B is for you, Blue...<P>You, My Dear, are in my prayers.<P>Catnip >^..^<

I am stuck as to what to do. My H and I were separated twice in the past. This last time was for 2 years. We have been back together for over 2 years now. If we separate again there won't be any reconciliation. H etruely believes he is keeping me from more heartache by not telling me these things. Also ,he doesn't want to deal with my response to what he has to say. He has told me in the past that the ow has a right to her privacy and that I don't have to know about her. That was a year ago . I have to be ready for my children being completely devastated all over again.Mnay things, other things are better between us,but this hasn't changed. I know that I can't live with these secrets. My children are 9,11 and 1.5 years,all boys. They love him so much. But why stay with someone who can't be honest with me? I didn't mention anything to him last night. I will wait and see if he tells me himself about her move.

Blue,<P>I am sorry that I so badly misread your situation and implied my own situation on yours. If I had a better memory I would have remembered from previous posts where things stand between you and your husband.<P>Mrs. Job

Blue, <BR> As long as he is your h the ow does not have any rights in your life you are supposed to be the one with the rights, that makes me so angery. He has a lot of nerve to say this kinda stuff to you. I know its so hard when you have the children to think about and I cant tell you what to do, But you do not deserve this desrespect that he shows you. I'm sending a great big hugg your way I'm so sorry. with love flowerseed

Dear Blue...continued prayers,<BR>love<BR>bw

Dear Blue,<P>You sounded so happy when you got back from your trip.<BR>I am sorry that you are feeling so unsure as to what to<BR>do now. It is so difficult when we cant really talk to<BR>our H. You are in my thoughts and prayers...take care.