Wow, why was this brought up ( my other post)? Okay, to date, I have realized that biology doesn't matter. Our D, my H and mine, will not gain anything from knowing or having OM in her life. It will only bring her life havoc and diorganization. I am not will to put my D into a situation where she is not loved, wanted or honestly cared for. When I first came here, I was angry, bitter and hurt. I have the knowledge of knowing that the OM WILLINGLY did not use a condom, I was under the impression that we always had. So my view is that this was set-up on his part to try to keep me in his life by poss. getting me P. So yes, I was hell-bend on making him pay for doing this. Know I see that is not what is best. I will not give him the pleasure of knowing my H daughter. My H and I love her regardless of the situation surrounding her birth. By making him pay CS, I would be allowing him access to her, I will not do that to her. I am focusing on my M and my family. Creating a sound foundation for our children. I am not wasting my energy on OM or his family, I care nothing about them. That is not to say I am not understanding to what the situation is. I care no longer if he will pay for what has happened, I know in time he will. I am concentrating on my family as that is what is important. Unlike many of you I am not months or years into recovery, I am 6 weeks into it, give me the benefit of the doubt when it comes to this. Yes, the wounds are still fresh, we are working on healing them. So when I was posting the things I was, I was confused, hurt and wanting to do what is best for our daughter, I now know that it is best to keep her away from the slimy little [censored] and not give him the pleasure of knowing her or what she becomes. He lost that right when he did what he did and walked away. I am fine with that, my H loves her no matter what. No biology does not matter, love does. I am not a bitter, spiteful, revengeful women as many of you see me. I am a mother with a child, trying to protect her from all of the ills of the world. The biggest one, her sperm donor. Give me a change to grow as many of you have. Give me the chance to learn from this, give me a chance to settle into a comfort zone, I am getting there. I have not contacted OM or his family to throw this up in there faces, I know the simple knowlegde of knowing he has a child out there and is not able to see is enough. I want nothing from OM, he gave me enough. I know from posting ALL of us have very strong opinions on our own situations. I know that I am view as trying to start trouble by my strong opinions. I am not trying to upset any of you and please do not put me in the same slot as many of your OW. I am not. I am just trying to deal with the hand life has dealt me and make this a situation to learn and grow from, not to use it as a tool to make other's miserable, nothing will be gained by that and I am not interested in that. Yes, I did something awful and created a child. This is not something to profit from finacially. It is something to profit from b/c we have a beautiful, happy, healthy little girl and I was blessed to be her mother, my H was blessed and gracious enough to want to be her father. She is the lucky one, the innocent one. I have everything I need out of life, I don't need the s*it that goes along with it, I won't tolerate it. I choose to let her sperm donor swim in his misery, w/o the added assistence of my D presence. He knows she is out there somewhere, loving her father, the man who will and has raised her. The man she will call daddy, the one who will take her to her first father/daughter dance at school, the one who will walk her down the aisle on her wedding day. So she has nothing to gain by allowing sperm donor into her life. She has everything to gian by having a father who wants her. PLEASE, give me a chance to grow too. <P>------------------<BR>RY<BR>"This child was not created out of love, but was born into love, that is all that matters."

Well, RY, everyday is a new day. The key to getting by for EVERYONE is tolerance and acceptance of others….especially for those that are not mirror images of ourselves. Diversity is a wonderful thing. Because of the uniqueness of these situations, everyone is learning and growing. It's when you stop learning that you get stuck in a rut and end up nowhere. So, today is a new day and so far it's looking pretty good.<P>Good morning, RY.<BR>

Up,up,up, to the top...responses????

RY,<P>I hope that we give you that chance to grow. You are changing and it shows. It took a huge amount of courage to willingly tell your H about the A and the true paternity of your child. That is something that very few of our WSs seem to have done. You deserve credit for that. I am sure that not one of us would want to be held to the things that we said very early on in this recovery process.<P>I think your biggest problem on this board is your continued anger toward the OM as if you had nothing to do with this mess. For example you refer to him as "the slimy little [censored]." You still seem to be saying that you are glad he walked away and let you and your H work this out and then in the next sentence you are damning him for walking away. I know that we are all human and capable of holding very conflicting thoughts and feelings at the same time. I still loved my H when I found out of the affair and yet at times I also hated him for the pain he caused me. However, in the long run we can't have it both ways. Eventually you must decide to more effectively manage your emotions and make a decision about where you are going to focus your energies--on hating the OM for "getting" you pregnant or in rebuilding your marriage and making ammends for the great pain that you have caused your husband. You still seem to be in the "fog" that we talk about our WSs being in and I think that is some of the problem here--we see behavior in you that we saw in our spouses after the affair--an unwillingness to truly face what they had done.<P>You still seem to be in denial about your responsibility in this affair that you willingly entered into. You are a grown adult woman and you made the decision to do this. No one can force us into an affair. Even though the OW came after my H very aggressively and for a number of months before he fell, he ultimately bears the responsibility for giving in to temptation and breaking his marriage vows and so do you. Most of us here are the BS and I know that we all have a great deal of trouble seeing how the OW woman feels in all of this. I am not trying to be cruel here; I am only trying to explain where I think that many of us are coming from and what we see coming from you.<P>It is wonderful that your H loves this child as his own. It shows what a strong and good person he is. Please, I hope that you will let your marriage heal by letting go of your anger at the OM, accepting your share of the responsibility and trying in every way possible to show your husband how truly repentant you are and how much you love him. If you feel that way, I don't think that you have truly ever expressed that here on this board. Not that you have to prove yourself, but what if you once-in-awhile posted on what you are doing to rebuild your marriage, the little ways that you try to show your H how much you love him and what you do to make him feel safe and loved?<P>I believe that you are a good and caring person or else you wouldn't be here on this board trying to sort this all out. I do *not* think of you as lumped in with all our OW. You are trying hard and it shows. Your fog is normal and it will go away, but the faster you come out of the fog the easier it will be on your H and your marriage. The OM should occupy about 0% of your time and energy and the sooner you work through your anger at him and focus instead on your marriage, the better off you will be. Everytime you give him the time of day, you are draining energy from yourself that should be going into rebuilding your marriage and life. Just like everytime I waste my time ranting and raving at the OW, she wins. She has taken my focus off of building a stronger marriage and ridding our lives of the last vestiges of the hurt she and my H have caused me. She is not worth it and neither is your xOM. You have children to raise and a husband to love and honor. Each of us has only so much we can do, think and feel in a day. Put your energies where they will do the most good. I wish you all the best and a speedy recovery.<P>In love and concern,<BR>Mrs. Job

RY,<P>As you know, I am in your situation as well, with a few differences. I am glad that things are continuing to go well, and that your marriage is being rebuilt. I, too, was wondering why your old post was brought up, as you have changed greatly since that post was originally active. I also know that I have occasionally been harsh with some of your posts, but that is only because I am almost 1 yr into recovery, and don't want to see you make any major mistakes. Our H's are raising these amazing little girls as their own, and that is what counts in situations such as ours. They are proving not only how much they love us, but also how big their hearts are. I wouldn't expect any man to be able to do that, and love my H to death for what he has done, and is doing for me. <P>I do have to admit that I am a little nervous about your situation, and what your state law says about paternity. I would hate to hear that OM found some loop-hole and was able to claim paternity, since that other test was done. I know that you have talked to family members who work in the law, and have researched it online, but you never know. I would just want to be absolutly certain that OM wouldn't have any claim at all. Since OM in our situation doesn't even know that I had gotten pregnant, we are just waiting for that famous 2 year grace period, and hope he doesn't hear something before then. Although, if he does, we know that God has had His hand in our situation from the beginning(D-day) and will help us through anything that comes up.<P>I hope you continue to post, with anything that is going on in your life, and that you and your H continue to heal and grow together as a family with Hannah(I forget if you have any other children)! Also, if you ever feel the need to "chat" my email is tgr_n_me@yahoo.com. I would be more than willing to email back and forth with you.<P>Love,<P>Tigger

I am more than likely going to regret saying this here, but I fell it needs to be said. My anger comes from my past childhood issues. As I continue to grow more each day and see what has happened I am made more aware of the facts. From the time I was, well my very first childhood memory, sexual abused by my grandfather, my next door neighbor, a babysitter etc. My view of my role is I am nothing more than good for sex. Unfortunatly that's what I have been shown and told. Even up until I was 18 years old when I moved in with my grandmother to attend the school in her district, my grandfather felt comfortable enough with his image of me to try to molest me again. Old boyfriends, guys I knew in school all express in interest in having sex with me, but getting involoved in a relationship was a no way. I was a virgin until I was 17. Almost unheard of nowadays. I relaize now that the man I had this A with was nothing more than a sexual predator and I somehow fell into being a vicitm once again. A fact I am in daily struggle with. Yes, I went into the A willingly, but at the point I became P, I had a choice, to leave the A or stay. I stayed with the rational of wanting to find out who the father of my child was. I thought by my taking control of the situation was what I was doing, I see now it was not. I was doing what he wanted, he wanted me. I never enjoyed sex with him. I told him so, which he confirmed to my H when he was asked. When we would have sex, I did it to keep him to do the test. While I was physically there, my mind was somewhere else. I went into the mode I did when I was being abused, if I leave my body, it will not hurt and I will not remember. I struggle with trying to recall details for my H, but I can't as I was not mentally there. My anger comes from my knowing that I fell into the child I use to be. I was good for sex and nothing more. That this man felt comfortable enough seeing me as nothing more than something to have sex with. My H is the only man who has ever expressed any interest in knowing me, knowing who I am. Wanting me to be happy, asking if I enjoyed myself when we make love, no one else has ever done this and look what I did to him. So, my anger comes from the fact that in a way I was sexual abused again, yes I am an adult now, but when you have been told for a good portion of your life that you are good for sex and you lose the sense of security, as I did with my H, I went back to what I know. What I was good for. I am 26 years old, I have never been shown what a healthy relationship looks like, I am trying to create that with my H w/o a model. I failed, I am trying to correct my actions. Somewhere inside I know I am good for more than sex. Where I don't know, I am trying to find it. It is hard. I pray that you guys will not laugh or say that I am in someway trying to use this as an excuse, I am not. I know what I did, and knowing my background makes it especially hard for me to view myself as anything more a piece of [censored] for any man who sees me, when I see them looking at me and things they say. This man treated me no better than anyone else in my life who has shown me what I am. Only my H has given me worth and I throw that out the window b/c I was feeling insecure with who I was to him. I will forever regret the choices I have made. At the same time I am trying to view my D as anything less than that my D. It is hard to look at her, I look at her I see the product of the A, the product of something I did with someone who makes me feel like I did with everyone who abused me. She is my D and I love her.<P>------------------<BR>RY<BR>"This child was not created out of love, but was born into love, that is all that matters."

RY,<P>I am so sorry that you have been abused and so badly hurt in life. You are worth much, much more than sex and sex is not supposed to hurt (physically, emotionally or psychically). There are no excuses for what you did but sometimes in life there are reasons behind our actions. You know what you have to work on, what your weak spots and the types of men who can get to you. Now it is your job to make sure that you are whole enough and your marriage is whole enough that it can't happen again. We each owe our spouse enough self-awareness and psychic integrity that we can reasonably be in relationship with them. When we are broken we need to fix ourselves. Some of us here (CD comes to mind) readily acknowledge that while our spouse was very wrong to walk outside the marriage to get emotional needs met (EN) that sometimes there were circumstances in the marriage that prompted it.<P>I hope that you will get lots and lots of counseling for yourself. In that list of things I wrote that you should be working on, I forgot to include working on yourself. You will someday (after you have done a lot of accepting of responsibility) have to learn to forgive yourself as well. That is another place our WSs seem to get stuck. When they can't forgive themselves and wallow in their misery, they can't participate in the marriage fully and that hurts. For me it hurt more that he didn't reengage with me after Dday than I think that the affair hurt. I was ready to forgive and work on building a better marriage, why wasn't he?<P>I told you what I said was in love and concern and I truly meant it. <P>With love, <BR>MJ

Regretfully yours,<BR> This is why the topic of om signing off on child was brought up. <P>[It is obvious you do not have the ability to accept this child into your life right now. That is fine, but it is your H's child and if wishes to continue to see the child, it is his right. You don't have to like it or accept it but, you MUST conduct yourself as an adult and live with this situation. You don't have to accept this child into your home, but you should not prevent you H from seeing the child. As an X OW w/ a C, I can understand how difficult this is for you, but it is NOT the child's fault his father and mother did what they did. Do not punish the child for living, he has that right. ]<P>You seem to see that befar cannot deal with things right now. But then you turn around and tell her she has to allow her h to see oc and live with it. You say its not the childs fault which is true its not and its not the wife fault either and if she cant deal with it she has that right. It is not the h right to continue to see the oc if they cannot come to an agreement on this. That was wrong to tell her that when your own h had om sign papers to the opposite of what your saying.<P>The reason the post was brought back up was a question was asked as to the father of oc signing off. I realize you have came along way since that post.<P> Why is it o.k. for your h to have o.m. sign off on child and not want him to have any part of your childs lifes,(which I can tottaly understand) but you feel its not allright for the wife to have a problem with dealing with oc in there lifes . Maybe I misunderstood but I'm not the only one that took it that way. <P> Nobody should have to have done to them that was done to you when you were a child. There is nobody here that would ever make light of that. Sorry this has happened to you it does explain alot of the anger. flowerseed <P>

Regretfully Yours,<BR>Your name also says a lot about you. You regret being OM's lover, and you feel used like when Grandpa took advantage of you.<P>Difference is you went against marriage vows and choose to be w/OM. Grandpa took it upon himself to abuse you and I am sorry for that. It is totally unimaginable someone that you should have had icecream with used you in such a horrific manner.<P>You must seek counseling RY. Do not let the agony continue.<P>For all that it's worth OM probably DID love you. You used each other and then faced reality....too bad....for your H also..... Get a grip RY. Before it's too late.<P>Bless you and your infant D. I wish you much peace and happiness. Look to your loving accepting husband w/new eyes. He obviously loves you and D. Be greatful to God for your 2 gifts. Quit looking back. Quit trying to blame things on your past. Grow from this mistake. Swallow it and digest it. Be done with it and move forward...for the sake of your young family who needs you.<P>Bless you. You're in my prayers,<P>Love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....<p>[This message has been edited by gemini1 (edited June 12, 2001).]