My wife and i are happily married. We love each other completely,but we have a recurring problem in our relationship.

The problem is that she seems to form close relationships with other guys more easily than she does with women, but that's not really the problem. The problem is that i have been very honest with her that i am not comfortable with her going places and doing things with other guys (in this case one of my best friends).

She doesn't see think that it is a habit that she needs to change. Am i being a controlling husband or is she being inconsiderate of my feelings?

I dont think it's wrong at all. I think its only common courtesy NOT to behave like that.

I guess my point is this ... how would she feel if it were you doing this? (With females of course).

I dont think it's cool for me to hang out with other men ... or my husband to hang out with other females. It's just playing in to temptation no matter how secure a relationship is.

Welcome to the forum jadedluv <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ October 25, 2003, 08:54 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Is this better? Sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Darn it, already caused problem. I apologize.

<small>[ October 25, 2003, 08:49 PM: Message edited by: JadedLuv ]</small>

Husband: it is exactly the sort of behavior that your wife is exibiting that led to my wife's affair. The difference being that I never said anything, because I thought it was wrong to be jealous.

I had read a bounch of marriage books, and was not happy with our marriage, but none of them helped. If I had read Harley's books, ("His Needs, Her Needs" would be a great place for you to start) instead of those I read, and had done the questionnaires (see the The Emotional Needs Questionnaire (ENQ) in particular), I would have discovered that I was not meeting my wife's most important emotional needs, which is what was fueling the attraction of those other relationships.

If you are worried about being controlling, read up on Harley's concept of the The Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA). If the two of you can use that to resolve conflicts, you will never be controlling - but you both have to communicate honestly in order to apply it.

Lastly: go with her. If she is uncomfortable with that, then she has likely crossed the line between a casual friendship and an Emotional Affair. In that case, click on the link in my signature line. The recovery process from an emotional and a physical affair is the same.

Hello,

You are not wrong. What your wife is doing is acting as if she is single while being married to you. It is ridiculous that she hangs out and does things with your best male friends(?). You have told her you are uncomfortable with this and she tells you she does not feel she needs to change?
What is wrong with this picture? This is exactly how affairs begin. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.
It sounds like she is a cakewoman who enjoys being married to you and going out and being with other men for conversation and enjoyment not caring that it hurts you and does not see it as a problem.
I think you need to make it clear how serious an issue this is. I could not imagine wanting to spend the rest of my life being married to a
wife who spends time and going places with other men and refusing to change. This behavior is totally disrespectful to you and your marriage. She sounds very immature to me. I do not feel that most men would accept this behavior in a marriage. I suggest marriage counseling immediately and ask yourself why you would be willing to settle for this for the rest of your life? I wish you luck.

i had the exact same problem with my wife before we got married. I think a lot of women do this because they like the attention of a man more than the attention of a woman. This will eventually cause problems between you and your wife. My suggestion is to give your wife a dose of her own medicine. I have given this advice to several here at MB in the past. Some people are so selfish in inconsiderate that they don't think about other people before they act. Tell your wife that you are going to the movies with one of your lady friends and see how she reacts. I believe this will open up a whole new path in the way she thinks. you are not being a controlling husband! Most husbands would not be as tolerant...and they shouldn't be tolerant to this kind of action. Just see how she reacts if you do the same thing.

husband,

As a woman who has eight brothers, no sisters, I feel I also can relate to men better than women. However, a married woman shouldn't need male companionship outside her marriage. It's way too easy to cross the line, say, when you are having a fight and she talks to her male friends (just to get the male perspective). She can tell herself she's not doing anything wrong, in fact, many people on this board will say that's exactly what they thought. The longer you allow this to continue, the stronger the chances are that one of these friendships will lead to something else.

Try telling her that, while you understand she may not feel these friendships are threatening, the fact that you feel threatened by them is reason enough to stop. It's important to do that without LB'ing (love busting), though.

As John mentioned, use the POJA. Since you are happily married, this is a perfect time to address the issues. Don't wait until her inappropriate friendships have caused resentment.

Good luck.

Misty

hey, might be fun to double-date: you and a lady friend join up with your wife and one of her male companions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by <husband>:
<strong> My wife and i are happily married. We love each other completely,but we have a recurring problem in our relationship.

The problem is that she seems to form close relationships with other guys more easily than she does with women, but that's not really the problem. The problem is that i have been very honest with her that i am not comfortable with her going places and doing things with other guys (in this case one of my best friends).

She doesn't see think that it is a habit that she needs to change. Am i being a controlling husband or is she being inconsiderate of my feelings? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My first question is your friend really your friend if he goes out with your wife. I know from experience it is WRONG. In the long run it will only cause stress fro you marriage. I played raquettball outside of my marriage went to breakfast. All innocent but causing heartache. If it isn't a double date you'll with them don't go there. "Dean790" evil for evil gets no were. Have a heart to heart and let her know exactly how you feel. He she doesn't stop or conceed to you feelings then......

<husband>
I am in the same boat you are other than its my husband who has the female friends. We have been married for 8 years, he has had 2 A's and numerous female friends. I had expressed my feelings to him on this matter, he didnt listen and continued the relationships. We have been separated for 3 months and he has still hung out with single female friends and even asked one out. I have filed for divorce and am going to go through with it. He has now seen how wrong it is but I am done being hurt. Good luck!!

Just so that you know, you are caught in a weird place. Like you, I told my then-wife that her going out and spending time alone with my friend (also married) made me uncomfortable. She promised time and again to change. Like you, she said she didn't see anything wrong with it... after all he's my friend and she's my wife so I should trust them. After all, if I can't trust them... who can I trust?

Hopefully, unlike you, my wife's affair had already started with this person. Dr. H says and I agree that, within a marriage, you should spend your happiest times together. That includes times when you have the opportunity to be happy together. It builds memories and a history that kind of has a momentum of its own... and can steam roll right over any temptation to dally with someone else. If you aren't together when you're happy... and she's having happy moments with someone else... where are you?

I agree, invite yourself along. You should also have a talk with your friend. I had a talk with my "friend" long after their affair had started and he lied through his teeth. Nothing in my life prepared me for this. In hindsight, at the very beginning, I wish (in this order):
- I had pulled him aside and told him that the situation made me uncomfortable and then ask him why he thinks it's okay to do this. I'd ask him to stop. I'd then tell my wife that I had talked with the "friend". I'd put the entire "friendship" between me and him on skids.
- Whatever activities they tended to do together, I'd try to do similar things with my wife and Plan A.
- If it doesn't stop, I'd then have a loving but major confrontation with my wife to basically make it very clear that I expected her to immediately Quit it.
- It it doesn't stop at that point, I'd hire a PI because something else is going on there... I'd also start Plan B.

It's like this one article I read where some guy had asked about "women's night out" at singles clubs. They wrote back and were like, "Sure, she goes out with her girlfriends... but who does she dance with?" Past a certain point, and I have no idea where you are or even what the context of your marriage is, her values are going to change so that she can look in the face and sincerely say, "Nothing is going on, chill out." when in fact that is so hugely not true.

Where you are, wherever your feelings are, my heart goes out to you. I hope that I never get put in this situation again. At the time, when it happened, I was so taken by surprise that my wife would want to spend time with my married friend... and yes, there was jealousy, and yes, I did tell myself that it's wrong. However, in hindsight, I deeply regret not having taken a STAND WITH HIM TOO. I also deeply regret not having beaten the **** out of him. Good luck.