I see you posted under "how did you find out" section and I realized I had never seen your own story about A and OC.Can you post a little info about this and how you are doing now? I would be particulary interested in how you are now, what H did to regain love and trust for you, how children are doing and if they know, how close OW and OC lives near you, and if other people knew of situation. Please, if you feel comfortable, share what you can. It would help me. And I have appreciated your posts in the past. Thanks.

When I found out about the A it had been over for almost 2 1/2 years. OW never told H she was pregnant until after oc was born. She told him ( and everyone else ) that she didn't know she was pregnant.<BR>H says A lasted about 4 -6 months although I have a gut feeling it lasted longer. He also insists that there was never any question about him loving her, that it was completely about the sex. And that she knew this .<BR>I can hardly believe that in 3 months I will hit the 3 year mark.<BR>Hubby took all of the abuse I could throw at him. He never fought back, he just let me explode and most time tried to comfort me through it. I know that he has not been completely honest about the details of the affair. But at this point I don't question much anymore. He will only repeat the same story so there really doesn't seem to be much of a point.<BR>He still brings me flowers and writes me love notes all the time. We try to spend as much time together as we can. Not easy with our jobs.<BR>We have no contact with oc. We do pay cs and health insurance. Hubby insists that he wants none. He feels he has nothing to offer her. When I first found out about her I offered to go for custody. He thought I had lost my mind. I still tell him that if he should ever decide he wants a relationship with her to let me know. Although if I were to be honest I know that I could never live with him having contact with her.<BR>We have 2 boys . The oldest is actually from H's first marriage but I have raised him since he was 4 with very little contact from his mom so he is mine. He is now 23. ( today is his birthday ) He knows about A and oc. He over heard the initial screaming session when I first confronted H. Our youngest is 14. He knows nothing and I have no plans to tell him until I absolutly have to. <BR>Ow lives about 30 minutes from us. I have never seen her. I did send her a letter once asking her to call me. I explained that I did not want to yell and fight, I just had some questions that I felt I deserved an answer to. She never responded.<BR>I have decided that there never is complete recovery from a spouse's A. It will always hurt. Not as sharply and not as often but the pain of betrayel will always be there. <P>Jtigger

jtigger, thanks so much for your info. So how old is oC now? do you worry you will run into OC or OW? Has OW left you alone?Did H tell OW he wanted no part of OC or how did that work? You give me hope life can go on after this, but I agree-- I doubt one ever gets over affair.The funny thing is, I think I could get over the affair-despite H telling me he did love OW, I don't see her as the threat- I see the OC as the threat, and if oc didn't exist, I could have healed quicker I think and dealt with H;s betrayal against me better. For me the issue of OC is so reprehensible, so morally wrong, not that affair is right, either, that that is making recovery that much harder for me. I try and tell H that, I just don't know if he gets it. I have told him the child will be the one who destroys us, not the affair.The minute I heard about child, my gut told me, this is the reason we will not make it. I hope I am wrong, but that is why I feel I am on borrowed time with H. He wants contact, like you I cannot abide by contact and though it will break my heart even more if my family breaks up, I cannot live and be damaged daily by his contact with OC. it already has nearly destroyed me. For my sanity, and the sanity of my kids, I cannot do it. I will give it all up to stay sain. I just cannot imagine changing my mind on this point, and I hope with time H will. In the meantime, I realize I have to make our life better for him to want to stay- I am long past the angry shouting at him stage--now I rage in the car away from him=but I am grieving,a nd I am not in love with him as I once was. I am not sure if I feel any love.I hope it comes back-some times I feel flickers of that emotion, so I hope it returns. I think it will take a long time. What are your oldest son's thoughts of affair and OC??does he ever ask or talk about it?/have any desire to see OC? How old was he when he found out?

Isb,<BR>Oc is 4 now.<BR>H told me that after she was born ow would show up at work with pictures of oc and he would look at them mostly to pacify her. She asked him if he wanted to meet oc and he told her NO. She sent us a medical bill once and in the letter refered to oc as " our child ". He responded in a letter back to her that it was not their child, it was her child. That he had only 2 children. As childish as it sounds that did make me feel good.<BR>I really don't feel threatened by oc. But that is because H wants no contact. I do feel threatened by all the cs pouring out every month. I don't know what I will do the day she shows up at the door wanting to meet her father. And I know that day will come. H says he will answer her questions and then send her away. I guess we will have to wait and see.<BR>Oldest son very rarely speaks about affair or oc. He definitly has no desire to meet her. I think some people place more importance on " biological " siblings than the average person feels. He was 20 when he found out about A.<P>Jtigger<BR>