Well, I haven't posted in a while. We've been getting ready for our big move-YEAH!!!!!!!!! No more worrying about bumping into ow at the grocery store or the mall. It's time for fresh start, and God willing it will all be for the betterment of our marriage and lives!<P>Well the reason I'm posting is because two big days are coming up-Father's Day and our Anniversary (the first one since d-day). I'm ok I think with Father's day, but deep inside, I'm dreading if the ow tries contact, but my h isn't working that day, do that is very unlikely-the COWARD has only tried to contact him at work since I found out. Anyway, I'm having a harder time w/ the upcoming anniversary. The betrayal took place about 1 yr ao during the mo. of June. My h is doing everything possible to make up for his BIG SCREW UP. Our marriage is so much improved compared to what it was, but I still feel sad and ambivalent. When I'm content in my marriage, my mind sometimes reminds me about what it took to get us where we are at. I think that our marriage isn't really that great because look at whats really there-OW, betrayal, and OC. I know this mindset is detrimental, and when I feel these things I try to think of more positive things. I hope these thoughts will eventually diminish.<P>Anyway, I decided to try to be positive and remember why I knowing what I know now, I would still never change the fact that I married my H. I decided to list reasons:<P>1) I am a better woman because of him<BR> -he has taught me to be more accepting of things that I <BR> can't change, especially people<BR> -because of this, I have a much better, and closer <BR> relationship with my father<BR>2) He has taught me to be more carefree and not so uptight<BR> -who cares what the world thinks, as long as we're <BR> together<BR> -he has taught me that sometimes I shouldn't be to <BR> concerned and self-conscious<BR>3) I can see many things in his eyes<BR> -the love which he now never doubts-the love he has<BR> for me and the love I have for him<BR> -the respect and admiration he has for me<BR> -the love he has for me and our son<BR> -the remorse and sadness he feels about the pain <BR> he has caused me; this gives me hope that it will<BR> not happen again<BR>4) If not for him, then we wouldn't have our Blessing from<BR> heaven-Our son. The immeasurable joy, laughter and <BR> pleasure he brings is priceless.<BR>5) Despite everything, I still believe that I am blessed by<BR> having him in my life<BR> -he gives me comfort and support, especially now when I<BR> need it the most<BR> -he's open with me and very supportive of my inquiries, <BR> even now when they are at an all time high because of<BR> paranoia (Does this get better? Several of you have <BR> told me that this eventually decreases-I hope so <BR> because I don't like the person I've become because of<BR> it)<BR>6) He is patient, kind, understanding and supportive of my <BR> family, even when he doesn't have to be<P>Well, I hope others add to this post and mention special things about their spouse. Maybe, it'll help us get through FAther's Day without too many bad feelings.<P>ivc<BR>

IVC, gosh, I envy your move. I think putting distance between OW and OC would help me tremendously and stop the paranoia. I know I have that daily, and father's day has me worried-will OW try and show up or send a card or try and ingratiate herself in our lives? H keeps saying he doesn;t want to do anything for father's day, doesn't deserve it. I want to do something, our kids want to celebrate him, I can truly celebrate how wonderful a dad he is to our kids, although I know I will still be thinking of what he has done to screw up their lives, and he will be too, and how can he not be thinking of OC? i worry father's day in future will always be a bust-that greatly saddens me. On our get away days, I asked h what he wanted to do for father's day-got some ideas, but he really is not into it-it saddens me, saddens all of us. I asked him is this what it is going to be like-him being pissy on this day yearly, he said no, but I don't believe him. <P>Anyway, I am not being very positive for your post.let me try.<BR>I am greatful for the two beautiful children we have created together.It took us years to get them, and they are the delight of my life. I would never want to have missed having them in my life, even though lately I have wished they didn't exist for fear this whole messy affair will damage them forever.<BR>I am greatful for the love he has given me all these years.The love has been lost some these last few years, but I am hoping it will come back and we can have a happy marriage again. I know you are trying to win it back, and I appreciate your efforts and patience with me.

Isb<P>I too have your same fears and share some of your feelings. My H also doesn't want to make a great deal about father's day, but the truth is-He's a great father to our 6mo soon to be 7 mo old baby. I believe that my h is very sorry and remorseful. I know he feels bad that he'll never be as much of a father to oc as he is to our beautiful son. For this reason, I think its important that I let him know how wonderful he is with our son. I look at them together and it gladdens my heart. My son smiles when his daddy enters the room. He looks forward to the cuddling, tickles, play time, laughter and togetherness that occur when daddy spends time with him. This is SO obvious even though he's just a little baby. It's beautiful to see and observe God has blessed and enrichened my life through them.<P>ivc<P>

Thank you IVC. What a nice thought. I don't think that I am yet at the stage that I see many gains from the A and I probably never will, but I see lots of good that he has brough into my life. Let's see...<P>1) I am a better woman because I have spent nearly 20 years with him. He taught me to be assertive, to speak up for myself, to be courageous (all this was good training for surviving his A)<P>2) Because of his support (leaving the Navy after 9 years so we wouldn't have to continue to move) I have gained great success in my career and he still got to finish in the Reserves and get his pension.<P>3) He is a good earner. We have a wonderful life full of all the "toys." They aren't essential to me, but it is certainly nice to have them<BR> <BR>4) He is a good lover and concerns himself with my pleasure as well as his own<P>5) When he repents, he really repents. He doesn't let his ego get in the way of telling you how truly sorry he is--not just me, but others that he has wronged. He has even apologized to my parents and my sisters for the pain he has brought into our lives. He taught me to apologize without getting defensive by setting a good example--I still have a long way to go to be as good an apologizer as he is.<P>6) He loves my family and is generous with his emotions, money and time with them.<P>7) He brought my SIL into my life, one of the best friends I have ever know or probably will ever know.<P>8) He chose to stay with me, not leave and go off with her even though they have a child together and we have none yet. Give us time to grieve the loss of the adoption and we will be on to another one or surrogacy. Anyone out there ever thought of being a surrogate mom for a very nice couple recovering from infidelity? <P>9) He only speaks well of me to other people. If he has an issue with me, he keeps it within our marriage. He never spoke badly of me to OW, something that even she has to admit. To others he does nothing but brag about what a good person I am, and how lucky he is. I love the look of pride on his face when I catch him talking about me.<P>10) He understands my pain about this A. He is truly, truly sorry for the pain he has caused (although it took him some time to get to this point). He tolerates my less and less frequent bad moments about this.<P>11) He is a willing particpant in marriage counseling and he is working hard on changes on his insides while I work on some changes on my outside.<P>MJ<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Job (edited June 15, 2001).]

IVC -<P>You had very kind thoughts, bless you. Anyone who can be so grateful through their pain must be blessed indeed.<P>