I've been posting in Recovery but had a different question tonight.

My H is an alcoholic, or so I thought. Could it be that with serious IC, H can become a social drinker?

H exhibited all of the signs of an alcoholic. Drank 6 – 12 cans of beer or more almost every day. Began to stay up after I went to bed so he could drink more (without me knowing about it). Would try to cut down or stop for a few days every time I spoke to him about his drinking, but the drinking would escalate until one night he would get totally smashed (about every 7 – 10 days). H would say he was sorry, wouldn’t happen again, blah, blah, blah and whole cycle would get repeated. He’s been doing this for 25 – 30 years.

H has been going to AA and I’ve been to one Al-anon meeting. I’ve been reading from the AA big book and there’s no distinction for “types” of alcoholics. The AA literature speaks of alcoholics drinking to minimize the pain they are feeling. What is this pain? Where does it come from? How do they deal with it after they stop drinking? When I saw the number of people at the last AA meeting my H went to, I immediately thought “are all these people in IC too?” AA speaks of turning yourself over to the higher power (God). It makes sense. H says he feels drawn to the meetings in a way he can’t explain. He feels for those people that have gone through so much worse than he has.

Interestingly enough, when I told my C that H was going to AA, she tells me that she doesn’t think that H is an alcoholic, that he just needs IC. I asked her how she could say that! She said that he never went through withdrawal when he stopped drinking (I never noticed any withdrawal symptoms either) and that she believes he drank to simply bury his painful feelings, inadequacies, low self-esteem, etc.!

C thinks there are different types of alcoholics…those that are truly addicted to alcohol, those that have addictive personalities, those that have issues to work out, etc. She asked if I noticed at AA that “most of the alcoholics were outside smoking before the meeting, drinking coffee or doing something else addictive instead of drinking?” She said this will continue until they find out the reasons for drinking (with IC) in the first place. They will substitute something else…become addicted to something else. Hmmmm…I’ve never heard this before and don’t see it addressed in the limited amount of AA and Al-anon material that I’ve read (so far). I’ll have to say, C’s outlook also makes sense.

My C does not specialize in addictions but H’s does. From what he tells me, I can’t see his C ever saying that when they get his issues worked out that he can drink again. She specializes in addictions because her H is an alcoholic.

Anyone have any thoughts or comments on this?

One Al-Anon meeting will not help you see what is going on in you co-addiction.

If your h is an alcoholic, it would not be safe - according to current wisdom - for him to become a social drinker. But it seems important to you for him to become one. You know, I wouldn't give a pyromaniac a book of matches just for the fun of it. That's dangerous.

Where do the issues come from....? They come from life. Abuse issues. Neglect issues. The bumps and bruises sustained as people go through life. From not having counseling to deal with the challenges.

Yes, I think some families have a greater likelihood of having addicted people in them. But is it a nurturance issue or a nature issue. I don't know. Seems I have heard of twins raised in different backgrounds that have both become addicts. I have a friend whose mother was an alcoholic, her brother is an alcoholic and her daughter has been in rehab for cocaine issues.

Dear Still So Sad,

Welcome Home.

There is some disagreement among experts about addiction and social drinking.

There are different approaches in different Al Anon groups. I checked one city for a friend, and found 5 different meetings for each day, at different times. I would suggst that you attend meetings a few different approaches, and then select one that is comfortable for you, and switch around as your needs seem to shift. Ther is a whole lingo that goes on about enabling behavior. Have you identified any of your responses or approaches that could be modified to be less on the enabling side?

That may be a helpful model to you, to think of drinking excessively as being caused by pain. You can try to look for pain, and ask what pain your husband is consciously in touch with. You can try to provide comfort and support, and problem solving partnering.

Your husband drinking secretly and carrying on EA secretly, indicates some sneaky qualities. Is your husband in fear? Blaming others to get the attention off himself?

Another approach is to observe your husband, and when you see he is restless, and suggest something that is exciting for him. Flip something in the DVD that gets his attention, and brings you togeher. Jump in the car and go someplace. Follow some of his interests, earlier in the evening.

How are you encouraging him about going to AA? Do you know where the AA coffee bars are? In most cities, there are coffee bars where AA people go to socialize, without alcohol.

When I go out, I often order tomato juice or a coke, or something non-alcoholic. Does that work for you? How do you try to support H staying off the sauce? What seems to be working for you? What seems like it needs some revision? What seems to not be working?

If your husband stays up later than you go to bed, is ther some way to make bed time more exciting?

I ask my wife to pretend that I stopped by the topless bar on the way home, and for my wife to pretend that she is my topless waitress.

Blessings,

Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still strugling

<small>[ November 02, 2003, 08:53 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>