I would appreciate any support, info and guidance on my present situation. My husband recently confessed to having an affair with OW for a little over a year. OW is pregnant. My husband and I have been married almost 7 years and have one child almost 2 yrs old. His affair began when baby was about 3 months old. Husband has asked for my forgiveness and wants to work on our marriage. My question/concerns are mostly in dealing with the other child? I'm pretty sure I can handle working thru the infidelity, but I'm struggling with the new baby. Has anyone else had to deal with this? What are your suggestions or comments? I am so appreciative of any support.

Dear MBM,<P>Welcome to our little support board. I am sorry you have to be joining us but you have come to the right place. It is pretty quiet here on the weekends, but I wanted to make sure I responded and that you got welcomed. Things are much busier here during the work week. <P>All of us here are dealing with the same or a similar situation. Most of us are women whose husbands' have had a child through an affair. A few of us are men who (in general) are raising their wives' child that she conceived in an affair and there are a couple of women here who have conceived a child in an affair and are here working on repairing their marriages.<P>Dday, the day you learn of your spouse's affair, was 9 months ago for me. His little girls (other child or OC) is just over a year old. We have travelled out to see her a couple of times. They live on the other side of the country. However, we are currently taking a break from visitation to allow the OW some time to collect herself and learn to behave better and calm down in all of this. Our visits and the anxiety they provoked in her caused her to call my H almost every day and he often took her calls (although it was against our POJA--Policy of Joint Agreement), so we have stopped visitation until everyone can get a better handle on their emotions--OK, I mostly mean her.<P>The first four months after Dday were very hard, in fact, I was hospitalized for depression, but things have been improving since then and took a real turn for the better when my H came out of the affair fog and realized that taking her calls was going to, in the long run, be what drove us apart--not the affair, but his inability to emotionally separate from her. I wasn't about to be in a life-long triangle, even if it was no longer phsycial.<P>Anyway, read all the stuff by the Harley's on this site and ask us lots of questions. Try to bring your anger here and vent at us instead of into your marriage. We will help you along your way to recovery.<P>Mrs. Job

Sorry you two are in this predictament. I hate it-found out 4 months ago my H had been having an off/on affair with produced a child, who is now over one. I was in shock, felt the child itself would ruin our life.WE have been married over 20 years, but waited long to have kids and our kids are young. It still pains me soa nd now we are paying huge Child support payments, which kills me since we now have to not do things we planned to do for our family.'H is very guilt ridden over what he has done to me, our family, and also to . It is much too much painful for me-I cannot deal with it and have told H if he must do this, he will not have me or his kids from me in his life. WE have almost separated due to this decision but for now are trying to repair us and move on My recommendation for you- do not allow H to be involved with OW from now on in. . although he claims he wants his life with me and never intended to leave me for OW. Ow is single, keeps hounding us for him to be a father, sent him a father's day card. Yicch! I agree- I have no fear of OW per se in terms of the infidelilty, I could get over that over time, but the business of OC has nearly destroyed me and my sense of who I am and our life here.You will find women here each handle situation differently--many cannot accept any contact by H to OC, and that must be done to heal Marriage. You must decide what you can abide by. I cannot abide by contact now,and as OW ups anty to annoy me, I realize more and more I do not want a life in any shape or form involved with her, hence no involvement with OC> not You must decide what works for you. No matter what you decide, do not feel guilt. Your h created this mess, you must decide what feels right to save your life and marriage. Keep posting. <p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 27, 2001).]

So sorry you have to join our group. All contact with ow/oc should also involve you. I swore for a very long time if my hubby wanted to be involved with oc than me and my kids are out the door. Well things change. The Ow was making sure that EVERYONE knew about the OC, so i knew it wasn;t going to stay a secreat from, anyone including my kids. I knew my hubby was also hurting from not being involved with OC and i actually got to a point where I no longer wanted him to hurt. The more and more WE get involved with the OC the less the OW means. The OC is a part of MY family, my hubby and mine NOT my hubb and the OW. For each person it is different but I felt the oc would end my mariage eventually but since I got involved with oc my marriage has only been made stronger. Have all contact go through you though.

You would think in this day and age of STD's, no one would be getting pregnant because everyone would think to use a condom. Boy, I guess I am naive.<BR>Sorry you are joining this club, membership is free, painful, and unwanted.<BR>My D-day was 7 months ago. For me, could not prevent my H from seeing OC because it is my belief that the OC is the innocent victim, along with you and I, of course. I did not want to be the one to prevent a child from knowing his father.<BR>First things first, there does not need to be any further contact with the OW until OC is born and paternity has been proven. There are many sites on the web that will send DNA tests for a nominal fee. We used the cheek swabs. You can also verify for court purposes depending on which test you purchase. Try Genetree.com <BR>If the OC is your H, then you will have a lot of choices to make, but they need to be yours. If you are like me, the hardest time will be not knowing if the OC truly is your H. Once I found out, I at least knew for sure what I was dealing with.<BR>I also agree with others, make any further necessary contact with OW go through you. You will feel more in control and she will does not need to talk to H anyway. You can be sure he gets all the needed info. <BR>Take it one day at a time...and seek counseling.<BR>Oh, and whatever you do, dont lose this website!! You will cherish it.

Dear MBM,<BR>May I suggest counseling? It may help a great deal. Reading the Harley's principals is also very helpful. So is prayer.<P>I will pray for you.<P>D-day for me was 7 months ago. A miracle of true forgiveness has happened in my marriage. We have been married 27 years. C is 6 wks. old. A son. We also have a son...21 yrs old. I NEVER wanted anything to do w/C because it would involve ow for the rest of my days. Like Princess Diana and Camilla you know? My son was in a psych ward very depressed over pending birth past Jan. He also said he'd cut my H from his life if he saw his "other" C.<P>All I can say is time and prayer softened all of us. Dna is due back end of this week. We have had C here once as I called ow and asked if we could. Then she went crazy demanding only my H call her as she's the mom and H is the dad. H said NO!!!! If she wants him to know the baby then it shouldn't matter who calls to set it up.<P>It was a beautiful thing to see my son hold baby and bury his face in his head and gently cry. We all held son as he held baby and cried tears of mixed emotions. It wasn't hard at all and we even found humor as H gagged as we made him change dirty diaper. We all lol over it. <P>It's not for everyone. I'm sure in a lot of cases it does more harm than good. But I somehow saw the C as innocent as son and me in this whole mess. I couldn't be mean after that.<P>Come here often and let us know how you are doing.<P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....