Due to the OC visitation,I knew that my family had to know about the situation. That was the most difficult part for me. I did not tell them until after paternity was determined, however. <BR>When I had to keep this to myself, I was diagnosed with depression and cried almost every day. I did not realize that the main cause was having to keep it from my family. When I finally told them, my doctor released me within a month and I quit taking the medication.<BR>The problem is, my family insists that I am in denial for taking this child into my home. They have told me that I shouldn't kick H out, but he should not have is cake and eat it too. They believe I am "letting him off easy" yet they cant give me other suggestions on what they believe I should do. <BR>They refuse to acknowledge the OC and say they will never accept the OC. My sister even believes my H should call our mother and apologize to her!<BR>I know these are there issues and not mine, but I was always close to family and this is tearing me up inside. Help!

Dear Tryin'<P>I don't know what kind of reception OC will get from my family. For us it is an issue we don't have to face for another 5 or 6 years. OC lives across the country and we fly out there to visit her. When she is 5 or 6 my H would like to start bringing her out here to visit, first for a few days and eventually working up to spending summers with us.<P>Everyone knows of the situation and no one seems to have too many problems with the visitation as we now do it. However, they were a little surprised when I said that eventually, they would have to make a little bit of room in our family (mine) for her. We take lots of family vacations together and spend lots of weekends at either my in-laws or my mother's house. <P>My H's family seems to be looking forward to meeting her, but none of them are willing to fly cross country to do so. They say that they will meet her when she begins to come out here.<P>I think that your family will come around when they see that you aren't suffering because of the decision you have made. If you are OK with it, I'll bet that they will be also. You might tell your mother that she doesn't have to love this child like a grandchild, she isn't her grandchild, but she is your stepdaughter (or son, I forget which). As such, she must treat this child with the same respect and courtesy that you do.<P>When we were trying to adopt and the boys came to spend last summer with us, my in-laws weren't too thrilled with the whole situation. They had so many fears and objections to the whole adoption process. Their objections melted when they met the boys. It might be the same with your family.<P>MJ

Dear Tryin,<BR>I am happy you are off the meds. Your family does not have to like what you choose to do...but they should accept it without comments of negativity to you. You and H are the ones who decide what is best for you both. Not your extended family.<P>My mom and dad have two different opinions. My dad understands me telling him I couldn't hate the baby any longer. My mom however feels her beautiful princess should be with someone worthy of me! heh heh heh.<P>I won't ask in the near future if they want to see baby. If they ask I will include them. Same with my in-laws. If I should call them someday to meet the baby, I think they would. They know I have said it's not the baby's fault. It's simply my opinion.<P>They don't have to agree. You two do. Stay away from mom when you have visitation. She may not be able to see things as you do. You are her "baby" not your H or oc. Ya know?<P>Just everyone respect everyone else. OK?<P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....<p>[This message has been edited by gemini1 (edited June 18, 2001).]

Dear Tryin',<BR>One suggestion I have is to tell your family that their attitude is adding to your pain(!), that they don't have to agree with your (and H's) plan to love you but they don't have to throw rocks at it all the time either. <P>It is NOT having his cake unless he continues the adultery! The damage (adultery and OC) is done, and you and H are doing the best you can, by (hopefully) joint agreement, with the aftermath(OC). Your extended families would do best by you to respect your joint decisions. If they don't want to meet OC, that's fine but explain that might cut down their time with you, so that it doesn't overlap with time with OC. Maybe they will come around... <P>As for H apologies to W's parents... I think it is very sweet for a man to do this, but I don't know that it's "necessary". (My H hasn't, but he hasn't seen mine in person yet either.) After all, the old fashioned way of thinking is that a man takes a woman from her parents (hence they walk her down the isle) vowing to love and protect her forever, and now he has failed to live by those vows.<P>If your family relations were good to begin with, this will probably all work out. If they were kinda rocky, the OC situation just aggrevates the obvious. <P>Our family members took it surprisingly well(!), and the friends I have told have been very supportive too. I wonder if that will continue if we ever get visitation with OC.<P>Frankly I think we will have more trouble getting them to accept our adopting a child (I can relate Mrs.Job!); my m-i-l told me when my first was born that while she would never let her sons' step-children know it, she will always feel differently about her biological grandchildren. Which in my mind means she cares more about OC (and my biokids) than the child we want to adopt... But we can't live our lives for her, ya know? <P>Life is a journey.<BR>Best wishes!!<BR>J

Jenny,<P>I didn't know you were thinking of adoption. All the best. My advice is to be up front about everything. We weren't and that's how we got burned.<P>MJ

I/we haven't informed anyone of our situation, which is a great burden of guilt on my part (is this misplaced guilt?)My family has always been a great support network to me and I've talked to counselor about it and so has H and it is their opinion that the timing is not right. When family/friends learn of A and/or OC they begin to form their own agendas and opinions. I know this is true, but my thinking is that if they are my true friends or family members that truly love me, then whatever my decision is, whether it be to stay, leave, divorce, no contact with OC, etc. it will be mine and H's decision. I just have this need/desire to tell my family so that I can feel loved and supported like I feel I need. I guess in the meantime, you all can hug me and tell me everything will be ok. I can only imagine how difficult it is to tell family members about an A or OC. But the lies only grow bigger and bigger as it goes on, don't they? I just feel like I'm lying to my family by not cluing them in on my pain.

Maybe I am in denial, but I have never told my family and probably never will. I guess I see it as none of their business since I know they will never see oc and if they were to know they would never accept oc. When I first told my mom that H had child from previous marriage, she says "well, that doesnt concern me". She has come around quite a bit about that but I do not see giving her this info doing anything but hurting her and me more.<BR>I guess my view is I will tell her when I have to. Hopefully that is a long long way down the road bc I do nto want to deal with it.<BR>Love<BR>bw

mbm626 said: I just have this need/desire to tell my family so that I can feel loved and supported like I feel I need"<P>Do you think they will support your decision to stay with your H and whatever OC arrangements you have(or not)?? If so, why wait?? If not, it could cause you MORE pain (like trying4s.) to be in conflict with your family. However, if you feel strong in your decisions regardless of family, no need to wait. All that aside, it's best for you and H to be in agreement!! Does he Know you want to tell them? Perhaps he doesn't feel ready to let his guilty secret out, but he should be willing to GET ready for the sake of your comfort and rebuilding trust. My 2cents...<P>bw, Good for you to protect yourself! No one needs more pain.<P>Mrs. Job, DH and I are narrowing down agencies for international adoption. We'll start paperwork (homestudy) in a couple months--yea! It's something I've wanted to do for years but H wasn't ready until now--woopee!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>woopee! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Yeah Jenny!!! Best of luck to a wonderful woman!!!!!!<P>love<BR>Debi<BR><P>------------------<BR>Imagine....