Hi all,<P>Sad_eyes responded to my email regarding reduced child support and her name looked new to me. I searched for any old posts by her and realized that she is pretty new and slipped in her sort of unnoticed. I wanted to welcome her. Here is what she said about her situation:<P>> My fiance had an affair with a woman who is now <BR>> supposedly preganant with twins that he helped to create. > He wants to work it out but I still am wavering. The road<BR>> ahead with him looks so impossible. Every time I think <BR>> that I am just going to leave that I do not want to deal <BR>> with and don't think that I can, the old us, the good us, <BR>> the great us resurfaces and gives me a glimmer of hope. He > feels that the "right" thing to do is be involved with <BR>> them, unfortunately that means he is still involved with <BR>> the OW. It's all so hard. I keep applying a concept I <BR>> learned while snowboardIng, "5 feet at a time". That's <BR>> what I'm trying to do with this too. I'll keep my fingers <BR>> crossed for you, just do the same for me okay?<P>Sad_eyes, I want to welcome you to our little support corner of the Internet. There are some amazing men and women here who are dealing with situations like yours. I hope you gain a lot from this board; I know that I have. Post often and let us know how you are doing.<P>Sad_eyes, I feel a little funny giving you when you all are so new here and we know relatively few details of your story. We conducted at informal survey and about one-half of us here would still marry our husbands knowing that the pain of an A was in our future. For those of us who would, me included, we have had long-term and relatively happy marriages. what is really telling is that about one-half of us would not do this over again. If I were you, I would seriously reconsider marrying a man who betrayed you during your engagement. I know that you love him; I am sure of it because you are on this board looking for answers. Basically an engagement is a trial marriage during which both partners are committed to not dating others. If he was unable to keep this agreement during your engagement, do you feel that he has learned enough from this mistake that he will not ever repeat this error? In his material, Dr. Harley, advises against going forward with a marriage when the engagement has been troubled. I don't know because I have never gone through it, but I imagine the pain of ending an engagement is less difficult than the pain of ending a long-term marriage that in many cases involves children. Just my opinion, not trying to impose my views on you.<P>MJ

Mrs. Job<P>Thank you. I realize compared to most I do have it relatively easy. Half of me agrees with you and questions is this really a way to start a marriage and begin the rest of your life together. Admittedly not a very auspicious beginning. <P>On the other hand is the me who has been committed to this relationship and never stopped being committed or loving him.<P>I am here looking for answers and insight.<P>“Basically an engagement is a trial marriage during which both partners are committed to not dating others. If he was unable to keep this agreement during your engagement, do you feel that he has learned enough from this mistake that he will not ever repeat this error? “<P>This is what I am really contemplating at the moment. Ahh Mrs. Job, when you put it like this, the answer is staring me straight in the eye.<P>I’ll write more later and give you some of the background. Thank you for your openness and honesty, it is much appreciated.<P>sad_eyes

Sadeyes,<BR>Welcome to the board!! Ditto what MrsJob said. <P>Had he learned from this experience, or it is bad tidings for your future? Great question!! Wish someone had said it to me when I was engaged to my H! H had sex with a former girlfriend once(no preg) during our engagement. It should've been a warning sign for me, but I was 18 and naive. I don't know how old you are, SE, but is this something he is remorseful about and learned something from, or something he's liable to repeat someday when the bloom is off the rose and your marriage has tough times (they all do!)?? And I'll tell you finances were easier when we didn't have 18 years of ch-support!<P>Best wishes,<BR>J, in recovery 2+years...

Sad eyes, my h was with the ow only twice and it was also before we were married. I did not find out about the oc until after we were married for three years. He knew about the preganacy and the oc and went ahead and married me and hide it, he says he did this for fear of losing me. He made a terrible mistake during a brief seperation while we were fighting, he was drunk and stupid. Would I have married him if I had known....my answer is yes, he made a mistake and if I were to not have married him that would have also been a mistake, he is a great husband and father. He is a good man and a hard worker, and he loves me with all his heart. It will be hard, but if you feel any of the things for your man as I have described I hope you can be strong and work through this. Someone told me that they make pencils with erasers on them, because of errors, so hopefully you too can work through all this, you are in my thoughts and prayers, if I can help let me know, Peace, Gabi1116