After doing a little research I am confident the baby is not mine. My W had a one night stand a few months ago. When she told me about the A she knew she was pregnant and told me she thought it was the OMs. We got an ultrasound done and our hopes increased that the baby may be mine. But after some more research on the early stages of pregnancy I am pretty sure it is not mine. My W and I are in counseling and do want to work through the A and now this development. Does anyone have any experience or advice on dealing with the fact that the baby is the OMs? I know the baby will love me as the father but what hardships are out there that may effect me and my W. Any Advice???

Dear Hutch,<P>Well, unfortunately, you are not alone in your situation. I am basically in your W's shoes, as I had a baby 3 mos ago from an A, and the baby is not my H's, at least not in blood. My H loves Abbi as much as our other children, and he considers her his baby. To us, we don't look at how she was conceved, but at how she will be raised. I would encourage both you and your W to post here, and often. I am more than willing to answer any questions she may have on how I dealt with things, and any questions you may have to get a better perspective on what your W may go through. My H also posts here, although not very often. He is pretty busy with work these days. There are a few other guys here that do post more often. K, LyntonG(or something like that), middleman, Sailorman59(my H)and possibly a couple others. Those are the ones I can think of off the top of my head.<P>A couple questions for you:<P>1. Does the OM know your W is pregnant? If not, do you plan to tell him?<P>2. Is OM married?<P>3. Does your W still have any type of contact with OM?<P><BR>I feel these are very important questions, and will give you my answers as if I were asking myself, so you can see where we are coming from with our situation.<P>1. OM didn't know that I was pregnant, and we never told him. We chose to do it this way because the OM proved to be violent, and didn't want to risk any further contact with him.<P>2. OM was(is?) married. I didn't tell OM's wife either. I figured that I had hurt her enough as it was, and I had my H's support in the decision to keep Abbi, so I didn't want to make her and her D's life more unpleasant than it already was.<P>3. No, I have had no contact w/OM since D-day, unless you count the day he came to my door, begging to talk to me, and I refused, and called the cops when he refused to leave. He has tried a couple times, with e-mail and once while H was on the AOL instant message. Needless to say, he wasn't very nice, and we blocked him from our account.<P>I hope that this has helped somewhat, and that you feel comfortable to ask more questions of either me or the men in your situation. Again, I would urge you to have your W come to post here as well.<P>Tigger

hutch,<BR>There are several guys in your shoes here but they don't post as often as us betrayed wives, and our most veteren poster, K, is on vacation. I hope you keep coming back until you hear from these guys, because they are GREAT!! Pats on your back for staying with your marriage!! <P>All the best,<BR>J, in recovery 2+years

Yes, do a search on "K", not just here, but on all open forums... he's been here for a LONG time, and he is an inspiration!!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

The OM knows she is pregnant but thinks it is mine. Also he is not married and my W has no contact. Sometimes I feel like I want to leave, as I am feeling now, and other times I don't. I wish I could maintain a consistent mood. Thanks all.<P>P.S. We don't plan on telling OM

hutch, I think your feelings are totally normal. I think it's a great idea to keep paternity to yourselves! Also great idea to look up posts by K!<P>In the book "After the Affair" by Janis Abram Spring, she advises couple to just act like they are staying together and work on the marriage and eventually their feelings will catch up... ie eventually your feelings of wanting to stay and work it out will prevail, so long as your wife is repentant and working on your marriage with you. I highly recommend that book and the info. here at marriagebuilders--Policies and quizzes for emotional needs and lovebusters... great stuff!<P>Godbless,<BR>J

Hutch, Sorry to have to see you join us on this forum, but I am sending you a warm welcome and letting you know you have found a great place to help you work through things. As tigger and the others have said K is a great source of help to someone in your shoes, and I also think that tigger, being in your wive,s shoes will be of great help to both of you. Sailorman, I sure could answer any questions for you because he is in the same shoes as you are. It is normal for your moods to change, this is all so new and difficult, stay strong, visit the forum often, there are many wonderful people here that have helped me and I know you too can benefit from this board. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Peace, Gabi1116

To ALL, I am RY, name change!!<P>To Hutch, I am the WS, I also had an A w/ a MM and got P. At the time of the P I didn't know if the baby was my H's or OM. We did a paternity screening and the test came back with 99.9963% match for OM being the "father". OM knew I was P, but was sure it wasn't his. Well, that proved him wrong. My H and I are working on our M, going to C and seeing everyone who can help us. OM knows my D is "his", but doesn't show any interest in wanting to be in her life. My H views our D as just that, his. His feelings haven't changed from the time she was born to finding out in April. He loves and wants her all the same. We are facing ALL the same concerns too as far as how will we handle it if she wants to know OM, how will she view H as father and such. We have learned to just take one step at a time, she is only 6 mos old, so we have a few years before we have to worry about that. Every child needs a father, some father's are better than others. So it doesn't matter who the child is biologically related to, you hopefully, will be the one to raise her, you will be the one to love her and she you. My sign at the bottom is what my H told me and everyday that passes I believe it more and more. Love your W, love your child, it will get better if you let it. Good LUCK!!<P>P.S. I don't know what state you live in, but as long as your W put's your name on the BC, it will protect you from OM trying to but into the child's life. Most states hold the view of as long as the child was concieved in the M, it IS a child of the M and the H IS the father. Regardless of what biology says. So really consider not having a paternity test done, once it is done you can't turn back. I can give you the name of a place that will do a screening on you, your W and the baby when the time comes and it is not as expensive as a DNA test, but it is the same procedure as a DNA test. The GOOD thing in all this mess is that you were M when the child was concieved, so by law, depending on what state you live, YOU ARE THE FATHER!! <BR>P.S.S-If you would like to email me, I can give you addional info regarding this.<BR>jerimija@yahoo.com<BR>------------------<BR>"This child was not created out of love, but was born into love, that is all that matters"<p>[This message has been edited by My Blessing (edited June 21, 2001).]

I am feeling so down today. The unborn baby is definetly the OMs. So I ask myself why do I stay? I am depressed and I am not excited about the immediate future. Some days I feel good but as soon as I start to think about what has happened I get depressed. If I stay, when will I get excited about the baby? It has been less than 2 months from D day. Will I regret leaving? Do I stay? I know I love her, but is love enough? She wants me to stay. She says it was all a mistake, But this mistake created a baby. I am confused. I am up and down. Any advice???

Just my 2 cents...as the parent of 4 adopted children. A parent is the one who is up in the middle of the night cleaning up vomit. A parent is the one who puts on bandaids and cleans up apple juice. If you have difficulty with the idea of loving someone who is not your blood relative ...think of your spouse - don't you love (or havn't you) her? Blood does not make the parent...time committment and love do.<BR> However, that being said, you'll have to work through your feelings of anger and betrayal so that the child NEVER feels he/she is unloved or unwanted. A good marriage counselor is a necessity to deal with this as well as the affair. Good luck. I couldn't love my children any less because they are not blood relations and are in fact a different race. I would kill for them if I had to. If you let your self you will feel the same. But you have to get past the anger first.<BR> Kris