I've been married about 20 years now (I am roughly 40 years old) and have a great marrage to a wonderful wife. We have kids that are getting close to graduation. I was a virgin when we started dating. My wife is the only woman I ever had sex with. My wife had one other partner besides me roughly a year before dating. Here's my question, tell me if I'm nuts? Every time I try to bring up her past relationship and want to talk about her other partner she says it's no big deal, he was a jerk, etc.... I'd like to know more spacifics, just not sure what spacifics. When I ask her questions, she gives me a few general answers, about where they did it the first time and how many times they did it, etc.... It seems like it wouldn't be such a big deal if she would just tell me alot of the details and it would go away. Or is it best for me to just get over it, feel greatful that she has chosen me for the last 20 years and plan on the next 50 years to be as wonderful?

It seems like it wouldn't be such a big deal
It's something that happened a year before you started dating. Yet 22+ years later, you are still wanting to discuss it. Why is it such a big deal to you?

I'd like to know more spacifics, just not sure what spacifics. When I ask her questions, she gives me a few general answers, about where they did it the first time and how many times they did it, etc....
She gives you answers to your questions but you don't even know what questions you want answered.

Or is it best for me to just get over it
I think it would be better to figure out why it's problem for you.

What exactly do you want to know from her?

It was/is a big deal for me when we were 1st going out and all the way up unitl now. Just haven't had a place I could discuss it with anyone. He sleeping with someone else, or the thought of it, leaves a whole inside of me.

I had a friend mention once, "you always remember the 1st time and the last time, and very few times in the middle. But the first time is always the most vivid memory". With that in mind, I always think, " Ok she remembers the last time, and how many times do I get compared to the 1st time".

As far as spacifics, I don't know what ones to ask that will satisfy me. Ie: with or with out protection, was oral sex involved, was it enjoyable, etc..... I'm not sure if this would be the correct road to go down.

Yes or no?

Bill, talking about past relationships is very uncomfortable to do for some people. There can be many reasons for this. I personally don't want to know about my wife's ex-boyfriends and i know my wife doesn't want to hear about my ex-girlfriends. if your wife is uncomfortable talking about something so insignificant, then respect her wishes and drop it. i can tell you one thing for sure: it is not good to talk with your spouse about the sex you had with other people. it is not respectful to do this. if your spouse loves you, then they do not want to hear about the sex you had with someone else. does that make sense? i hope you can understand this.

Ok she remembers the last time, and how many times do I get compared to the 1st time".
How many times do you compare sex to the first time you did it? Probably never.

Same for her. If it was ANYTHING like the first time for most, it was too quick and not too exciting. And being that she is the female, it probably wasn't even worth writing about except that is was her first time (meaning it didn't do much for her).

As far as spacifics, I don't know what ones to ask that will satisfy me. Ie: with or with out protection, was oral sex involved, was it enjoyable, etc.....
Probably "similar" to your first time. I don't think specifics will do much for you except keep you obsessing on it.

I say leave it alone. But it's something you seem to need. Figure out what you need and why.

talking about past relationships is very uncomfortable to do for some people
According to MB principles, it is something which should be discussed.

is not good to talk with your spouse about the sex you had with other people.
Why?

it is not respectful to do this.
It COULD be disrespectful, depending on why/how.

if your spouse loves you, then they do not want to hear about the sex you had with someone else. does that make sense?
Does that mean Bill doesn't love his wife?
No.

Chris and Dean

Thanks, I really didn't want to talk to freinds about this because it wouldn't be fair to her. So I thought I'd try this. It's just something I thing I needed to ask someone, but really couldn't find an outlet for.

I really appreciate your candid answers. I am going to do my best to put this behind me and move along with my marriage. I really appreciate your answers.

Keep Up the good work here!!!!!!

Thank you!!!!!!!

Whoa, not so fast...

You don't have to leave.

Also, my last sentence was, "But it's something you seem to need. Figure out what you need and why."

I think it's something you need to look at and not just ignore/drop it, "just because".

How do I go about figuring out why. For 20 years I couldn't find the answer. I'm not sure how to go about this. Trying to put it behind seems to be the best way.

Any suggestions on how to figure out why this bothers me so much?

Chris

Still there?

How do I go about this? What questions do I ask myself? I take it that is where I will find the answers? Just don't know what to ask?

Hi BillH,
Chris is going where I would... why is it so important, and what do you actually want to know...

but.. for me... I was 15, it was dark, he was on top, it was over quickly, I didnt have an O, and I wondered what the bid deal was. It happened 20 years ago and that is the extent of my memory! I 'remember' it happened, but I dont 'remember it' fondly. For girls, it often isnt a wonderful experience. If someone asked me for anything more specific than that, I would not be able to
answer any more thoroughly.

I, personally, would not want to be reminded of it. I'm sure your w doesnt, either. (my 2cents, since you asked) - Dru

Hi Bill...female perspective? If my guy were to ask about specific details of a past sexual relationship, I'd feel uncomfortable talking about them. Not because they were better or worse, but because unless there is something from those relationships that I can bring into this one that will improve our relationship, why even go there? I don't want images in my head about his past sexual experiences and I think it would be cruel to do that to him. I don't think that those images ever go away once they are implanted. I don't like to dwell on anything from past relationships unless I can see some clear benefit to my current relationship.
We have a very good sexual relationship and that is what is important.
I get the feeling you are waiting for a specific answer because there is something lacking in your relationship. For instance, I'm wondering if she has never given you oral sex, but you've always wanted her to try...so, you want to know if she did it in her past relationship. Not necessarily oral sex, but something that you want her to do with you, but she doesn't seem willing to do it.
Try to figure out exactly what it is you are trying to get out of her. Write down your questions...see if you can discover what it is that is missing.
While I'm tempted to say just forget about it and enjoy your happy marriage, if this is something that has bothered you for 20 years, I don't feel too confident that it can just disappear from your thoughts. I wouldn't nag her about it and I wouldn't ask her any more questions until you know exactly what it is you are trying to find out and why.

Take care,
Smile

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Any suggestions on how to figure out why this bothers me so much? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">(me guessing) you are probably concerned because you don’t have an embarrassing, meaningless, possible humiliating sexual experience to compare it to. If you did, you surely would have let this go 20 years ago.

You should thank your wife everyday for saving you from that.

My 1st time was with a long time boyfriend, whom I loved. Today, I still DON’T remember it, much at all, and certainly not with longing or love. It was a bleak experience. Let it go, let it go, let it go… - Dru

Btw, my first time? Yes, I remember it clearly, but not because it is was enjoyable. It was painful and I wasn't ready. I was vulnerable and he coerced me. I remember every detail. And even though it was something I deeply regret and didn't enjoy in the least, I still have no desire to share that experience with my guy. So, just because she doesn't give you details doesn't mean it was this incredible once in a lifetime experience that sex with you cannot begin to compare to. It's really just not something people talk openly about. Again, I think the real question is why do you want/need to know, and not why does she feel uncomfortable telling you.

Smile

By the input I'm getting, I've probably asked her too many questions already. I do have an image of her and him in my head. I don't like it, and I'm sure it's not accurate at all.

I do think some quick discussions with someone else is good therapy here and all your posts are appreciated.

After today I think the best thing is to "Let it go"!!!!!!!

Dru and Smile

Thanks for the female perspective!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Same for her. If it was ANYTHING like the first time for most, it was too quick and not too exciting. And being that she is the female, it probably wasn't even worth writing about except that is was her first time (meaning it didn't do much for her). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want to reiterate this. I don't think any woman has ever told me they got much of anything (read: no orgasm) out of the first time they had sex.

I think you need to reconcile this with yourself. There is no way to undo the past, and continually bringing it up is probably not doing much for your relationship with your W. I know I've been with people that I'd rather forget, and usually do forget. Let her do that, and you do the same.

Closed!!!

Thanks all