I want to work through the A but the ultrasounds, the appointments, the baby books, etc. are all reminders of the A. I know I can love this baby when it is born(7 months from now), but in the meantime it seems to be a negative reminder. I don't want the baby to be a negative thing, I want to enjoy the new life. When will I get excited about the baby? This rollercoaster ride of emotions really sucks!!!

You had the A? Tell us more, we will help you.<P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

My W had the A and we are currently working through it with a counselor and spending a lot of time together. I just experience up and down emotions all the time. I try to focus on the future but the present and the past few months are difficult to deal with. My D day was two months ago. We just confirmed that the baby is the OM. I was always pretty sure it was, but there was a small chance that the baby was mine. It just a confusing time right now.

Hi Hutch,<P>Sorry that you are having such a hard time right now.<BR>It can pass though. It sounds as if your wife is<BR>sincere in her remorse. No one would choose to be in<BR>this position...but you have the chance of bonding<BR>with the baby without the constant interference of<BR>the om. In that regard you are lucky (I know you dont<BR>feel lucky right now)<BR>There are other men on the board who have been where<BR>you are. They have bonded with and cherish their<BR>children. It is a long road. Keep writing to find<BR>peace for yourself. We all have reminders - whether<BR>or not they are right before our eyes. <BR>Children are amazing, if anyone can melt your heart,<BR>it is the innocence of a baby.<BR>Prayers for you, fluke

Hutch,<P>I am sorry that you have to go through all of this. I just wanted to let you know that I was a child born of similar circumstances. My mother asked for a divorce from my dad and they were separated, but hadn't yet filed for divorce when she conceived me with an old boyfriend.<P>She knew that this old boyfriend was going nowhere in life (his is now an out-of-control, unemployed alcoholic). My Dad (the man who raised me) didn't care that my mom was pregnant by someone else. He wanted to reconcile and thedy did. They raised me as his child and I never knew the difference (until I found out 5 years ago due to some medical testing). He loved me as much as he loved the biological children he and my mother went on to have. His truly the dearest most caring person in my life. He says he has been there for every important event in my life except the least important--my conception.<P>I hope that we do hear soon from Gregg and Floored and K, the guys on this site. I am sure that they will have lots of useful advice.<P>All the best, <BR>MJ

Hutch how's it going? Isn't Mrs. Job the greatest? Maybe her words will inspire you. Maybe they will help you in all of the confusion.<BR>Does your W want to stay married? If so there is light. Let the light shine through.<P>Bless you.<P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Why do I stay? I have been so depressed for the past few weeks. My W wants us to stay together, but there are days that I feel that the pain is too much. In addition to the pain of the A, we have to work through the problems that led to the A and all this sometimes is overwhelming. I will be gone all this week due to a business trip. Should I take this time and think about leaving? I told my W that I may use this week to think about separating and she said that she wants to work through this and leaving is not an option. That her way of saying she wants to tough it out. When does it get better and how long will I been so depressed??

hutch,<BR>I can tell you something...the most painful thing to me was the fact that another woman would give birth to my H's child. I couldn't stand the thought in the beginning. It was Nov. 2000 when H confessed.<P>I wanted her to die in a car wreck. I wished awful things upon the baby! I really do not recognize who I was back then. I was crushed...an empty shell. I couldn't understand how my H could ever do that to us!! I wanted H and hated H at the same time. I felt punished that I told him to leave d-day and now I was so very confused and lonely! I will tell you it was a pain I'll never forget as long as I live!! Incomprehensible to anyone who hasn't been through the "double whammy".<P>Having said all of that, it gets better. It's hard and painful. You will discover the real "you" in all of this. Pray and go for counseling. To your church at first. Do not be ashamed. It's natural to feel shame but in reality the shame is all on the ws.<P>You will see that someday Hutch.<P>Go on your trip. Think, but realize many of us here have survived this. Let that be the first thing you know. Prayer works wonders too.<P>Let us know your decision when you get back.<P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

hutch,<BR>I'm so sorry that you aren't hearing from the guys in your situation--they must ALL be on summer vacation! They have walked in your shoes and come out roses! I haven't and can't think of anything helpful. I do think you're on the right track to keep trying. It is still so early in your pain/grieving that you shouldn't make huge decisions right now unless you are very concerned about your finances... IE getting stuck with ch-support in case of divorce. But even then I think you have until the kid is 2[?! Bystander??] to protect yourself from that. Marriages CAN recover from this but it takes time/effort. Be gentle with yourself. Godbless,<BR>J

Hutch,<P>I am a firm believer in that you should not make any decisions in the middle of a crises. I told myself I would give myself at least 6 months and as long as a year to see what we could rebuild from this marriage. I never make life-changing decisions quickly. I told myself that there was nothing I could do in divorce court today that I couldn't do in a year and if I gave it everything I had first I could leave this marriage with a clear conscience that I had done all that I could. Thank God that isn't how things turned out. We are now 9 months past Dday and we are both starting to look like and act like ourselves. Other people around us are starting to notice how much better we feel--even those who don't know all the dirty details of what has gone on in our lives. (We also lost the adoption of 3 children during the middle of all of this--two of whom had come from Russia to spend last summer with us.)<P>Do you and your wife have children of your own?<P>I know exactly how you felt. I thought my world had ended. I spent a week on an inpatient ward for depression and another 5 weeks in 8 hours a day of counseling. It really threw me for a loop.<P>As recently as 10 weeks ago, I was still wondering if we would make it, but things turned around all of a sudden and my H woke up and began to work on our marriage with me. Until that point I felt like I had been pulling the whole load alone. It is absolutely unfair but it often seems that the BS (betrayed spouse) has to do much of the work in the beginning. I really expected that my husband would be very contrite and working his butt off to make the marriage work since that is what he said he wanted. What I learned is that he was so torn up over what he did that he really shut down and became like a zombie. Oh, he said all the right things but it was like living with a cardboard cutout of him. He was there, he said the right things, but they had no ring of truth nor sincerity. He was in his affair fog and OW was still manipulating the life out of him.<P>Get lots of help both for the both of you, but you also need a pro-marriage counselor of your own. You need a place to vent the anger and bile w/o overloading your marriage. I also believe that our spouses need to believe that there is hope for the marriage recovering or they will burn out and give up. Make some special times for the both of you. You don't have to make it up, but tell her in those rare moments when you feel some love, some hope for your future. She will need little glimmers of hope in order to hang on.<P>Hope this helps a little. You have come to a great place for support.<P>MJ

Hutch,<P>I experienced some of your pain, my W had the A and got pregnant, she chose to abort it. While I don't have the pregnany and/or OC to remind me of this, her constant guilt and self torture over the A, pregnancy and abortion are there. <P>I will honestly say, there is a place in heaven for you because you are willing to work it out while having the child and raising it as your own APPLAUD! <P>I couldn't do it and I think W knew that. She is anti-abortion, she had to totally compromise her values to save our marriage. I respect that to a point, but my anger that she got herself in that situation in the first place replaces it.....(mean to say I know).<P>Good luck to you.....I wish you the strength of 100 men.<P>On the good side, I love this woman more than life itself and our marriage is already better than before the A.<P><P>------------------<BR>...Keeping a stiff upper lip<BR>-Scarlet Pumpernickle<BR>s_pumpernickle@yahoo.com