Hi all,<P>I did something stupid not directly related to the affair.<P>I have a cousin that I was very, very close to growing up. She was my best friend and my hero (We had a falling out as teenagers and have never been that close since.)<P>Anyway, we were talking tonight and when we talk it is usually a marathon that goes on for hours. I told her back shortly after Dday about A and OC. She was very sympathetic.<P>Tonight she asked me how I was doing about A and how I could accept OC into my life. I told her the story about my dad not being my biological father. She started to cry; it was a reaction I never would have suspected. She said that it just made her think even more highly of my father whom she has always loved. My false paternity has never really traveled outside of my immediate family, my mom, dad, sisters and my mom's parents. I told her that my dad raised me with so much love that I couldn't see myself holding it against OC that she was born of an affair.<P>Please don't misunderstand. I hate the affair, I dislike OW but not intensely, but in some weird way I am happy to be OC's stepmother.<P>Anyway, my cousin asked if I knew who my birthfather was. I hesitated to say, but she guess it anyway. My mom and her sister were dating two brothers--Jim and Pete. Jim married my aunt and Pete just got my mom pregnant but didn't marry her. In fact, I don't think he ever even knew about the pregnancy. I only planned to go half-way into the story with my cousin, "my dad is not my birthfather but he adores me" and no further. She knew that the two sisters (her mom and my mom) used to date the two brothers, Jim and Pete. Pete is my birthfather.<P>Now I feel guilty that I laid something too heavy on her. She loves her uncle Pete and would like me to tell him that I am his biological child. I don't want to; I don't see what I would gain. I have a dad, the man who raised me. I don't want to be disloyal to him and I think that Pete, a man I have only seen a couple of times in my life, has nothing to offer me.<P>What a dope. I can't believe I talked about this with her and I don't know why I felt compelled to. I think that fact that my dad loves me so thoroughly and didn't/doesn't care about my paternity has become such a normal part of my life, that I don't think of it as a big deal anymore.<P>Thanks for help and advice. I know that this is off-topic for this board, but it somehow seems related.<P>MJ

Dear Mrs. Job,<BR>Did she promise not to tell? I don't see how that news would benefit him or you. He's moved on and didn't know/care about your mom and her pregnancy.<P>Your Dad sounds wonderful and loving. He's right, the most important thing was not conception....it was being there for you and your Mom all of these years.<P>I hope she remains silent. It shouldn't affect her and her uncles relationship. It would however affect your relationship w/your cousin if she tells. Ask her to please keep quiet. Respect that you shared , but do not say anything to hurt anyone. It would only produce hurt in my opinion to tell.<P>Love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Thanks Gem,<P>I guess I am still uncertain if I want to ever contact him. I worry that if I don't, he will die and I will never have <BR>had the chance to know him.<P>I agree that the consequences would be very severe for my family, for those who have kept secrets for all these years. I hate secrets and I hate that I don't feel free to make this decision considering only myself. Yet, I don't know what I want or would get from knowing him. He truly was a sperm donor.<P>MJ

I can understand the need to tell him. Oh! Mrs.Job, you never know what can happen. He may not have known about you. Maybe you can give him the benefit of doubt. He may be so sorry and angry no one told him...especially if he's an alcoholic.<P>You know you will meet some day in heaven.<P>Love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Gem,<P>Yes he is an alcoholic and no he doesn't know about me. 'Course most of us can count to nine. If I were a man and I had an ex-lover who had a child nine months after I last slept with her, the thought would at least cross my mind. After all his brother married my aunt and he has seen me 4 or 5 times when I was a child. My mother says I look a lot like him. I don't know. I think I look like her, but I always wondered why I didn't look like my dad nor my sisters. I firmly believe that truth will out every time.<P>I don't know...something about being on this board is digging up stuff that I thought I had settled about my bio father. I can't believe I opened my big fat mouth and told my cousin. It had to be some sort of wish fulfillment or something equally Freudian and stupid. Better talk this one over with my counselor.<P>I feel so guilty right now. I dumped a burden on her and asked her to keep it to herself.<P>MJ<P>

Mrs.J I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's impossible to say if extended family knowing is an improvement or not! You know it could affect your parents too... how hard! Yes, a lot for your cousin to keep. Your biodad MIGHT have guessed already but figured you were better off without him, or him without you--who knows?! After all, you say it is better having the family you've got! I hope they know of your love.<P>Definately hit the counselor with this!<BR>Blessings,<BR>J<BR>