I have been reading this BB since May 4, 2001, but this is my first post. To warn you all ahead of time, this will be long. Thank you for reading and lending your advice.<P>My H and I dated for 5 1/2 years before getting married. We lived together for about 5 years. During this time we had a lot of growing up to do, since I was only 20 when we met. I completely trusted him and I felt that we had a very solid relationship. We have been married 1 year as of yesterday. <P>Four years ago, before we were married, my H (then boyfriend) worked nights at a bar. We had a strong relationship, but after 2 years of him working there we were drifting apart. Mainly because I worked days and traveled frequently, so I rarely saw him. He also drank heavily almost every night and was a regular attendee of after hour parties. During this time, I completely trusted him.<P>In Oct, 99 he quit the bar and our relationship came back together. I had the person I loved back and it was wonderful. We were married a year and a half later.<P>In February of 2001, my H found out that he had a child who was 17 months old. He and the OW had a one night drunken escapade. My H claims that he did not remember doing anything with the OW, but when he woke up in the morning he thought that he might of done something but was not sure. He also claims that this was the only time that this happened. (I am sure that you can sense my lack of trust.)<P>On May 3, 2001, he found out that the OC was his (paternity.) So after several lies, then he finally tells me because he has no choice. I was devastated and for the past 2 months I have went through all of the emotions that you have all expressed. (over and over) It has helped to review everyone’s posts.<P>I am willing to salvage our relationship and we have seen a councilor (who has not seemed to help). We have gone through all of the details (that he remembers) over and over. I still have trust issues and cannot forgive him, but we are working through them. My H is being really good about things and really has been an asset for me getting through this. We are working through he principles of this site and it does seem to help. It is hard to deal with this since it is not just the A with the OW, but the OC too.<P>Now to complicate matters, the OW is an unfit mother. She drinks constantly and I know of several times where she has had the OC in a vehicle while driving. The OW fed the OC green beans for dinner four days in a row. She is open and honest about how she is not the best mother. We had the OC at our home this weekend. I don't have any ill feelings for the OC, but I don't know if I have what it takes to care full-time for a child that was born in these circumstances. Having to deal with all of this at the same time is really hard.<P>I have been coping day-by-day and sometimes hour-by-hour. I love my H and I feel that we have a relationship worth the effort of getting through this. I just wish that I had my old, happy life back; a wish that will never come true.<P>Any advice on dealing with the OW? We are documenting everything we are told and taking pictures when we can. Getting custody after we are ready should not be a problem. I know my H has a strong desire to get the OC out of this situation, but does understand that I am not ready and will not be for a long time. I am just not sure how to get there.<P>Any advice on dealing with the A? We have been making good progress, but this OC situation has caused a set back for me.<P>Thank you for reading all of this. Thank you for being there.<BR>Nikita<P>

Nikita,<BR>I'm so sorry for your situation. Even though the event is old, the situation is new and raw for you! I really don't know what will improve it rapidly. Perhaps a different counselor would help? <P>Having never spent time with our OC, I really can't speak to improving feelings for him/her. I hope someone will help you out soon. I know some betrayed men on this board have been able to separate their feelings about affair from their warm fatherly feelings toward OC and raise it as their own. "It is the time spent with our rose that makes it so precious." <P>(A chance the XOW may actually wish you guys to take over this responsibility by showing how crummy she is, but doesn't want to look like she's giving up. People can be so twisted.) <P>Prayers,<BR>J <p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited June 25, 2001).]

Nikita I am sorry for you and your situation. I don't know what to say to you. Ow sounds a lot off and I don't blame you for having doubts about having a young child to raise.<P>I told my H if he wanted to raise the baby in our situation I could not be main caregiver. I work now and am free to come and go as I please. Our son is 21. I do not wish to be tied down the last 1/2 of my life. H said he never wants C here full time.<P>I do not know what to say to you. You will need time to sort out your feelings.<P>Love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Hi Nikita,<BR>My best advice is to tell you that before you can start getting ready to accept oc into your life, you and your h have to formulate a plan in which you can feel totally safe and secure when you spend time with oc. The most important thing is for you and h to do everything as a TEAM. I have found that I can get through just about anything as long as I know h and I are committed to doing it TOGETHER.<P>I've been in this for some time now, so it's getting to be "old hat" with me. If you need specific ideas, post some questions and I'll be glad to help any way that I can.<P>-cd<BR>PS. KEEP UP THE DOCUMENTATION!!! It is SO crucial!

Nikita - I don't have much to add other than you sound very together and know what you can and can't handle. Find another counselor ASAP!! I would recommend individual and marriage counseling. That way you could work on your anger privately and work on your marriage issues together. You have come to the right place. The people here are wonderful and will be very supportive of you. I'm just sorry you had to experience this.<BR> Kris