Thanks so much Jackie for your post. The employee that my H is having an affair quit her job in Sept. 98 when he moved out. He has said from the beginning that he doesn't want anyone to know at his work about his divorce. I don't think they could fire him since she doesn't work there anymore but there have been rumors about them so it will just fuel the fire when they know. Divorces around here usually take only about 3 months. He will be gone a year this Wednesday, but he waited 6 months to file-March. I called Dr. Harley's radio talk show and got the book Surviving An Affair. That was when I decided to do a Plan B. He still picks up my daughter at the house-she is 10 so I don't have to be involved much. Sometimes I answer the phone when he calls. We have had one discussion about selling an old car we had which he instigated. I am trying to let her met all his needs like the book says at this time but I'm sorry to say she must be doing a good job because things still seem to be going to with them. I'm so hoping it will die a natural death. He has gone to such great lengths to deny the affair to EVERYONE. I can't imagine how he is going to bring her out in the open. Right now I am having a hard time just thinking that it might be possible to not be married to him after 10/20. I feel like I should hate him for all he has done but I don't. I am afraid though that if he did want to come back I would have such a HARD time trusting him again and I don't know if I could every totaling give of myself again. I don't know if I can take seeing him with her. Thanks again

Bailey: I know what you mean about OW meeting all of their needs. I think the same thing--she must be really good at it. But then again I can't see how she could--she's so young(20).<P>I wish I had a crystal ball to tell me when this thing is going to die a natural death. I keep telling myself that the statistics on affairs are so against them that it can't last. I then worry that she really is the love of his life and "I" was just the passing fancy. <P>I keep hitting my head against the wall trying to figure out what's going through his mind--what he could possibly see in her besides the sex. <P>I spoke with H this morning and it was the longest conversation we have had since I implemented Plan B. I told him that I love and miss him and want him back home. I don't want a divorce and never have. He doesn't know how our marriage would work because there is no trust between us and we have done and said(all him) some mean things. He said that it would be easy to trust me again but he wouldn't trust himself if he was me. I told him that if he was totally open & honest with me and didn't keep any secrects that the recovery of trust would be a lot easier. We never kept secrets from each other before this all happened. I hope he's really thinking about what I said and weighing the consequences of the divorce. Well, at least he now knows that I still don't want this divorce and I'm still committed to our marriage--that is in case he forgot.

Jackie-it is amazing how similiar our situations are. I think I could stand seeing him with anyone but her. I don't know who am I kidding I don't know if I would ever be able to see him all wrapped up with someone else. Hopefully the conversation you had with your h will help. Did he sound like he might consider coming home? Is he still involved with her??

Yes Bailey, H is still involved with her. That is since a week ago Tues. She is also still working for him. He didn't sound like he wanted to come home, but he does sound scared about coming back. He keeps saying he doesn't know how I would ever trust him again and that it couldn't possibly work.<P>I think you might know about me overhearing the huge fight H & OW got into last week about me calling him. Their phone was off the hook and redialed me & they didn't know. It was some NASTY fight. I sometimes wonder if he's trying to end it with her but doesn't know how. Well, if that's the case then my professing my love to him again just might be another avenue for him to take. Just a thought!

Jackie-it sounds like it wouldn't hurt to tell him you love him if he is open to talking to you. My h is trying to stay as far away from me as possible-who knows-maybe to appease her.

Bailey: I am sure that your H is staying away from you just to appease her. He's doing every thing in his power to make her happy because she is supposedly making him feel wonderful about himself. It's all so selfish.<P>I am positive that my H's OW was so thrilled when I sent him Plan B letter. I am sure she thought me having no contact with him was beneficial to her and their relationship. At least that is the gist I got from their fight. She kept saying "I knew this would happen. Now she thinks she can call you". Sounds a little insecure don't you think! Good!!!

Hi Jackie-I think that when people have affairs or are just too weak to work on the problems that they are purely selfish. They are taking the easy road. <P>I guess we can get satisfaction that we will be the ones that they will compare everything the OW does with, they never had to worry about trust with us, and we had their youthful years. Do you have kids?? If so we are the mother of their children. Of course my H can still have kids but I hope for my children's sake that he doesn't have anymore. Both the kid's and I would resent that because the child would be getting something my children would not have-the benefit of a family and a full-time dad. It is so hard to stay in the present. I get so panicky when I project into the future and think about having to see them together after the divorce, them getting married, my kids hating her and not wanting to visit their dad. Thanks-keep in touch.

It's scary to think that my H would be comparing me to OW. I don't feel I can compare with certain things. First of all, OW is 11 years my junior(I'm 31 and she's 20). I have had 2 kids so yes my tummy isn't quite as flat as hers. This is all my insecurities talking. I know that I am a better person than her--I'm generally a nicer person(my H's best friend told me that one). It does make me feel good to know that we had such tremendous trust in our marriage and their relationship is based on nothing but lies from the beginning. How can a relationship last if it's based on lies? <P>I am really waiting for OW to get sick of my H. She's so young and I know when I was 20 all I wanted to do was party. H is basically a homebody and couch potato. I had tried for years to get him more motivated to do things. One of the main reasons I feel she is with him is because of the money--if she only knew how in debt we were. Sometimes I would like to send her copies of all our credit card statements to show how much he owes. <P>I am hoping that the holidays will kill this affair. She must be getting really antsy to be out in the open, but H isn't fessing up to anyone. When the holidays come, I know she'll be putting the pressure on and that should either really turn him off or she'll get sick of being hidden all the time. My mind goes through all the senerios.

Hi Jackie-if your H admits that he is seeing someone to your (saying you wouldn't be able to trust him) then that is better than my situation. My H thinks no one knows about the two of them. Needless to say, he is not living in reality. We must keep reminding ourselves that Yes we are better than the OW because we would not cheat on them. I know exactly what you mean-my H was a homebody also except he worked an awful lot. When he was home he was a couch potato also. But now he must really be having to do a lot to keep up with her. He is not home sometimes at 2 or 3 in the morning (I have gone by his room a few times) but they are probably staying somewhere out of town. It is amazing how similiar our situations are. I think she is with my H also for money she thinks he has. We have no money, a lot of debt and I am trying to get him to pay alimony. This will leave him with nothing for her to live on. Right now I don't think she is working which burns my butt. The way I look at it is this-he couldn't make enough money to pay me for all the he** that the kids and I have been through the last year. I think she is probably putting a lot of pressure on my H also to "come out of the closet" . He will have a hard time doing this after the divorce because he has lied to his whole family and told them he is not seeing her. Write soon.

Bailey: I really do think that my H believes that no one knows about them. He tells everyone they are just good friends. The kicker is--his sister believes him. I now know that she is in denial too. I am very friendly with his sister; we live 5 minutes from each other and our children are 2 days apart(my oldest and her twins). <P>I think OW really started digging her claws in after H & I had a Luau 7/98 and she was invited. We live in a very nice neighborhood, in a beautiful house. We have also added a "Party" room onto the house that has a huge bar and a hot tub. I think she saw all this and decided she wanted it. Little does she know that the "party room" ruined us financially. That's what kills me, she is so manipulative and devious. Some girls these days are only looking for money. H has told me over the previous months that all I care about is the money and that is all I ever cared about. I reminded him that I married him when he didn't have a pot to **** in and that it wouldn't matter to me if we had to sell our dream home and file bankrupsy as long as we were together. I hope he realizes that one day.<P>I spoke to Harley yesterday and we agreed that I am now out of plan b and will go into plan a. I just don't know how it will be possible to convey a loving and caring environment when we have such little contact. I did have professional pictures taken of our sons and I gave him a whole bunch on Sun when he dropped our older son off--he didn't even say thank you. I also found out from MIL that he has a therapist and he's been to him 4 times already and really likes him. She also mentioned that he has his appts during the work day for whatever reason. I personally think it's because he could never tell OW that he was seeing a therapist because she certainly wouldn't like it. OW never knew about his/us going to therapists--he always failed to mention it to her--pretty interesting huh. <P>Well, talk to you soon.<P>Jackie.

Hi Jackie-I don't know about you but I am sick to death of that "just friends" crap. I guess it is the only thing they can say and it not be a lie. I know what you mean about their family members being in denial. His mom told me that the only way I could be sure that they were having an affair was if I caught them actually having sex. She is so out there!!! I think the slu* thinks that my H has a lot of money also. He is the General Manager where they work and her husband was a fire fighter and a mechanic. Her ex-brother-in-law told me that she wanted "A Suit". It does sound encouraging that your H is getting therapy. Maybe someone can talk some sense into him. Sometimes this all just seems like such a bad dream. I would have never believed my H would do this. It is so unlike him-or at least I thought. Later-Renee

I know what you mean about it seeming like a dream. Some mornings I wake up and I can't believe that I am all alone in our big bed; it's so weird.<P>I saw H Weds when he picked up our 3 year old for visitation and I actually asked him if he was interested in going to "back to school night" at our sons preschool. He said he would get back to me. I also asked him who Rita and Big Johnny was(I know that they are OW's parents). He just looked at me and smiled(like "I'm busted"), said it's not important and asked why. I told him that our 3 yo has been mentioning them a lot lately. Again he asked why I wanted to know. I told him I was just curious because he says their names all the time. He walked out the door with our son and I said(with a smile on my face, almost laughing)"I guess you're not going to tell me, huh? He said, laughing, "No I'm not". Well if you could have seen that look on his face--it was priceless. H must now be wondering how much our son says to me. And if he is telling me about her parents, then he must be talking a blue streak about her. I will not bring up their names again and I haven't brought up OW's name since 5/99. I was really proud of the way that I handled it because I believe I made a point without lovebusting. I hope he noticed the change. I'm trying very hard in this Plan A. I want him to realize that I understand the mistakes I made in our marriage and I want to start new with this same "good" attitude. Wish me luck and I'll speak to you soon. Jackie.