My FIL & MIL's 50th wedding anniversary is this weekend. They found out about the A last week. Only some of my H's family know, but I am sure they are taking. I am feeling ashamed to stand by my H's side. I think that I am scared about others judging me. I know that in the end I will have enough courage to get through this, but I am dreading it.<P>Thoughts?

Tell me, Nikita, what have you done that could be construed as shameful? Why are you shouldering the blame for an action you did not take yourself, nor have any control over whatsoever? Are you afraid people will view you as a doormat? If so, I have to say you are not. Doormats allow others to influence their lives, to make choices for them regardless if those choices are good or bad. <P>You are a wife who took vows and meant it. There is nothing shameful about doing so. You believe your husband has changed and will continue to love, honor and cherish you. What is shameful about this? Nothing. <P>So go to the anniversary party. Know you have nothing to be shameful about at all. Know you are standing up to say "People are falliable. My husband is one of them, but I will continue to love him with all that I am."<P>If you've made it this far, you have more courage than you think you do. Rely on it and the rest will fall into place. <P>Take good care. I hope you have a wonderful time. <P>Love,<BR>CoR

DITTO!!!!

Nikita go to the celebration. You've done nothing wrong. I had that shameful problem at first. As time unfolded everything family and friends admired my courage. Yours will to.<P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

I had it too. I was very afraid that people were judging me harshly for staying in a marriage with a spouse who had strayed. After all, I always said that infidelity was unforgiveable and here I was trying to work on forgiving him. And to be honest, I think that it is mostly other women's judgement that we are fearing. Something about being a woman whose husband cheated on her speaks of being powerless. <P>One by one friends and family (especially his) told me how strong they thought I was--strong, and flexible and forgiving. My SIL's husband has a very difficult-to-treat form of cancer and he will probably lose his battle against it. She told me "I thought I was strong for holding up through to cancer, but you are doing something much harder than I ever could." (Believe me, I would still much rather have to deal with infidelity and a child than cancer.)<P>Little by little the shame faded away. I started *trying* to pay less attention to what other people thought of me and more about what I wanted to do. I brought the issue to our marriage counselor a couple of times. He said "No one knows the rewards and challenges that you find in this marriage. No one else has the right to tell you when and if it is time to walk away." I asked and he told me that he saw nothing disfunctional in my efforts to stay in this marriage. he said it would have been disfunctional if I had seen problems and ignored them but since I was actively working on them (and not letting H get away with them) that he thought things were OK on my side.<P>Hang in there and hold you head up. You have much to be proud of--if you make it all the way through this to a restored marriage or if you give it your best and decide that it cannot be fixed--either way you will have fought the good fight.<P>MJ

Nikita - I agree with all the advice you have received. I completely understand where you are coming from. It IS humiliating!! However I think in reality the one who should really feel humiliated is your H. I've looked back over all the people I know who have had affairs and have come to a a conclusion. The person having the affair is usually a weak person. By weak I mean that they don't/didn't have the emotional strength/confidence/skills to handle whatever crisis in their lives or in their own ego that led them to take this path.<BR> I am getting a lot of flack from my family who know the whole sordid story because my husband and I just started counseling together after a 10 month separation. They were there to pick me up and just don't want to see me get hurt. But I've explained to them that I just have to see this through and they agree to be supportive. Unfortunately the person I picture when I feel humiliated is MaryJane Butta- fuco (do you remember that story?) I remember driving to work every morining and listening to them trash her on the radio for staying with him. I sometimes get these paranoid feelings that that is what people are saying about me behind my back.<BR> BUT the reality is that you should stand tall and most people will respect you in the long run. I sincerely believe that. Let us know how it goes.<BR> Kris<BR>

A short P.S. for you Nikita,<P>If you can do it, go out and buy yourself a whole new outfit, shoes, makeup, whatever it will take to make you feel good about yourself. Wear it with your head up. <P>Please let us know how it goes for you.<P>Take care,<BR>CoR

Nikita,<P>As everyone else has said, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Isnt it amazing how the one who betrayed us seems to have no problem looking others in the eye (except maybe us) and yet we are afraid of looking weak or stupid. No one knows the road you have walked except you and God. We have walked in similar shoes and yet your story is different than mine and so on and so forth. You are a strong woman. Hold your chin high. You will be amazed how many people are in awe of your strength. Glory be to God.<P>Love<BR>broken_wings

Nikita,<P>I just wanted to say that you have nothing to be ashamed of at all. Having been in both sets of shoes, only I am the one who had the child, you have done nothing that should make you feel that you should be ashamed of anything.<P>I have similar feelings when dealing with my MIL. She took it upon herself to inform her whole family, AFTER we asked her not to, what I had done, and about Abbi's true paternity. This was all done about a month before my due date! I just found out from my SIL(married to H's oldest B) that FIL stated that it wasn't him that wanted to "do this" it was MIL, who felt the need to tell H's brothers. I guess that she had already told her sisters and brother and anyone else that she felt the need to "share it as a prayer request"! Needless to say, I am not very happy with her, yet again! We have never really had that great of a relationship, and this just made it that much harder. In fact, H said that if they hadn't been here when the A was "revealed" that he probably wouldn't have told them at all. I feel that we would have eventually told the rest of the family(my parents knew, and were willing to just keep it to themselves) that needed to know, as time moved on. My SIL has stated to me that they all think of Abbi as their niece, and nothing could change that fact. On my side, not a whole lot of family knows, and just those that I have told, or ok'd the telling. MIL took that control from us, and gravely abused it. In that way, she has made me and H feel even more shame, and very uncomfortable when it comes to Aunts and uncles on that side of the family.<P>You have done nothing wrong, and your in-laws should treat you as such, not as a martyr for what you are doing in wanting to heal your marriage. Like the others have said, go, with your head held high, and have fun!<P>Tigger

Thank you for all of the support and advice. We got through the anniversary weekend. My MIL was very supportive to me and really helped me get through it all. My H took it worse than I did which I was happy about. I was viewed as a saint and he was viewed very harshly. <P>It was hard when people who did not know would ask so how our first year of marriage was or when they would ask, so when are you and your H having kids. Was not ready for those questions, but we made it through.<P>Thank you for all of the advice. <P>I did take CoR's advice, the new dress helped as well.<BR>

Happy to hear it Nikita!!!! Bravo!!!!!<P><BR>Love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Nikita,<P>I, too, am so very happy to hear you had a good time at the party. <P>Once you handle the first time out in a public place where some people might know about your situation, it does get easier and easier to handle. Also, now that you know the questions people ask (people ask a lot of questions they shouldn't, don't they? ) you'll be better prepared and won't be so surprised. This too will make it easier as time moves on. <P>Take good care of yourself, Nikita,<BR>CoR