Hi all,<P>We leave for vacation today and it is the last thing on earth I want to do. Last year, they boys arrived from Russia on June 23rd. (Yes, just passed that anniversary and H and I got through it without even mentioning it. I know that it was on both our minds.)<P>Every year we rent a house on the same lake and 4 generations of my family get together to spend the week. Last year, we did the same thing as always except that this time it was at the 4th of July week instead of Labor Day week. We flew my dad and my step-mother in so they could meet the boys. After all we thought we were going to be parents forever. We had no reason to think that we were going to be denied this adoption.<P>This year, we are going back to the mountains and a lake, but this time (for the first time) I asked that we go to a different lake. I was hoping it would have less memories. <P>All I can do right now is cry. I miss them so bad. We should be a whole family by now. This should be the second time we are taking them with us. Alexei, who is now 9 should be trying to learn to ski this year (and falling over a lot and not making it). Sergei should be begging to go tubing even though I am not sure that I think he would be old enough or a strong enough swimmer. <P>Honest to God, I want to give up. I was wrong, this grief isn't getting any lighter. I think about them all day, every day. I have held them, and put them to bed, hugged and bathed them. They were our children and they were stolen from us by miserable, smug, evil social workers. We have spoken with two other social workers who say that our errors and ommissions during the home study where cause for a big lecture but were not sufficient for denying the adoption. I am sure our two miserable rotten social workers go to bed every night with some sort of smug satisfaction that that have made some sort of righteous decision, but I truly don't know how their evil souls ever allow them any rest.<P>It is possible (at least for me) to heal the pain of H's affair and OC by turning a negative (OC) into a positive, but it feels like the pain of this broken adoption will never be fixed. Oh God, I just want to be a mom like every other woman in the world. My insides are screaming for a child.<P>Thanks for listening. If we have internet access at the lake, I will try and post once during the week.<P>MJ

Mrs J,<P>I am sorry I have no wise words to comfort, but I just want you to know I am sorry the grief isnt easing up on you and your hubby. Is there any possibility of changing the verdict on the adoption? I am really sorry for your loss. How heartbreaking to mother children and have them yanked out of your life by people who care nothing about whether these kids actually get a loving family or not. Sorry you got such bad social workers. <BR>Love and Prayers<BR>bw

Dear BW,<P>Yes, there is an appeal and we just finished our paperwork for that about an hour ago. It was emotionally draining, but it feels good to have it done. We will Fed Ex it on Monday from the lake.<P>In fact, we have postponed going up to the lake until tomorrow so that we could both rest up a bit after finishing up the appeal. We were both wiped out. <P>Please, keep us in mind (and prayers) during the next 10 days as our appeal is considered.<P>MJ

MJ, my thoughts and prayers to you and your husband. I also pray that the appeal is successful and that the social workers in question someday realize the pain their decisions have caused others for no particularly good reason.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mrs. Job}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

OH Mrs. Job I feel so bad for you. Honey I think the appeal will go your way. Your faith and love for God shows through and through.<P>You deserve to be a Mom to those boys! Is anybody listening to you? God is....<P>Love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

MrsJ,<BR>I am so sorry for your pain. Nothing worth having in this life comes easy, but I am so glad to hear you appealed. I was also going to ask if that was possible.<BR>God had a plan and I know you will see His plan at some point. Hopefully it will include those beautiful children.<P>I will be/am praying for you.<P>Tryin

Dear MrsJ,<BR>You know healing is a roller coaster, full of fits and starts and uncomfortable flashbacks to deal with... It doesn't make them easy , but know that you're normal and I don't think you are torturing yourself. I think you are coping as well as you can with difficult traumas---and doing beautifully I might add! You hang in there. Cry and mourn when you need to, but remember the disiderata: love is as perennial as the grass (hope I got that right!). I pray more good will come again to you, through one door or another... just like Job. <P>Godbless,<BR>J