CD Collins and those of you who are more experienced than I am - I suspect that my husband is still cheating with the other woman, he seems to have some time unnacounted for and doesn't give me a lot of information about what happened between them. I just don't want to be in denial, when he goes on business trips and things like that I want to know I can trust him. Should I hire a private detective and find out what they say? Has anyone ever hired one? How do I do it? What can they tell me?

Sadeyes,<P>I have never done it personally. Even if I wanted to I would not have been able to afford it. However my SIL did hire one and from what I gather if they are good you will soon know everything. I am sure you could find them on the internet. Let me know how it goes.<BR>Love<BR>broken_wings

What are your suspicions?Is he suddenly acting different? Does he see the oc without you? What about affection towards you? Just some ?'s.

I've thought the exact same thoughts! These traveling salesmen are definitely "ripe" for having affairs (and continuing them)........I haven't actually contacted one, but I did look in the yellow pages....I guess I was too scared to do it. Please let us know what happens. I still may be interested in doing it also. It's sad that we have to resort to these tactics, isn't it?!!!

If you truly have doubts and can afford it, do it! More than likely, your gut is telling you the truth already. I had thought about a private investigator many, many times. If you do hire one, please, please be prepared for the outcome...good or bad. Good luck!

Dear mysadeyes,<P>there's a joke to be made here about hiring a private [censored] to make sure that certain body parts are indeed private, but I'm sure it would be in poor taste, so I won't bother, haha. <P>When I suspected that my h and ow still had a relationship going, despite his proclaimations that it was "over" I borrowed a friend's car (one that he wouldn't immediately recognize) and sat in front of his workplace for a couple of hours. I'm sure I was a lovely sight, scrunched down in the seat, sweating like crazy in the August weather with a pair of children's toy binoculars in my hand, but it worked. I caught them talking alone in the parking lot, and giving each other a quick kiss. When I had the feeling that calls were still being made between the two of them while I was at work, I borrowed a telephone recording device from my boss (at a security/investigation company) and recorded their conversations. <P>You don't need a private investigator to accomplish what you want to do. do it yourself. Recording devices that can tap your home phone line or be placed indiscreetly in your car can be had for less than $150.00, cheaper in some cases. check first with your state laws - but most of the time you CAN legally tap your OWN phone. Borrow a car, tuck your hair under a baseball cap, and follow h. If you know he is staying at a hotel on business trips, call the hotel and ask to talk to his wife (9 out of 10 times, they will register as husband and wife). If the receptionist confirms that Mrs. so-and-so is staying there, you'll get a pretty good idea of what is going on. I could go on ad naseum with such ideas, but I'm sure you are creative and can come up with your own.<P>If you are willing to do the survellience yourself - or if you have a friend willing to do it for you, you don't need a PI. I have heard horror stories (from a friend in the court system) about how PI's have screwed things up. And they are usually VERY expensive.<P>However, before you become a amatuer sleuth, you should ask yourself what you will do if your suspicions are confirmed. I for one, did not think that far ahead, and engaged in some very love-busting behaviors when I caught h in his lies (confronting him and ow in the parking lot, screaming like a mad woman was one), which served the purpose of extending the affair long past when it probably would have ended. also you should make sure you can handle whatever it is you find out. Finally, you should be aware that such activities may really be hard on your relationship, especially if your h finds out about it.<P>Anyway, best of luck whatever you decide to do.<BR>-cd

I used to private I work in South Africa but not spying on people, just other types of Crime Prevention<P>I would not advise you to hire one but rather save the money on taking him out on a nice quite date and keep showing him you trust him<P>If you show that you do not trust him or he finds out about your intention or about the PI might even think you hired him to cover your own secrets which of course you do not have<P>Be very careful of mistrusting him<P>It will eat you up inside emotinally and destroy your element of trust you have between you<P>(don't listen to the devil whispering in your ear)<P>Get some counselling for yourself and your insecurity from a qualified counsellor or minister whichever you find suitable to your personal needs<P>And have more faith and confidence<P>If something happens behind your back you are bound to find out<P>It is the gamble we take in marriage unfortunately<P>Read <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com</A> and rather spend more time on mastering the skills taught there than trying to poke at what might not be happening and you will then have a big secret behind his back and either burst and not tell him or he finds out and is disappointed leading to disaster<P>Carol

Dear carol,<BR>while I absolutely agree with you in theory, my concern is that by putting blind faith in husband, mysadeyes is putting herself at risk for venereal disease and possibly emotional and financial destruction, if her h is indeed still cheating with ow. In today's society, what you don't know CAN kill you. AIDS is still out there, as is syphyllis and gonnorhea. The diseases that *don't* kill you can leave you permanently maimed, infertile, etc.<P>I don't feel that it is up to the betrayed spouse to establish trust - although I do feel that bs's have an obligation to work towards allowing their trust to be restored. If the ws is unwilling to take the necessary measures to make the bs feel safe and secure, then what are they supposed to do? being checked up on and answering hundreds of suspicious questions is, unfortunately, the price a cheating partner has to pay in order for trust to be reestablished.<P>It sounds to me (and I may be wrong) like sadeyes husband is continuing to be evasive and is not contributing wholeheartedly to a trusting environment. Of course her first step should be to work on marriagebuilders philosophies, but at the same time, I don't think tactics of self-preservation are out of line, especially if she is open and honest with h about her doubts. In time, if her h is trustworthy, she will begin to feel more secure, and her trust in him will grow. But he has to work at helping her get to that point. In the beginning, my knew full well that I would be checking up on his whereabouts and asking questions, but he didn't mind at all. It was part of what he had to do to help me heal from the betrayal.<P>Most respectfully yours,<BR>cd

I agree with CD re: Carol's post. If a man who has a history of cheating acts in suspicious ways... I think it is very reasonable to protect oneself physically and emotionally, whatever (legally) that takes. If it quacks like a duck, maybe it is one, eh?<P>Best wishes sadeyes!