Hello. I this is my first time posting here. My H had an affair 1995-1996 that resulted in a child. I didn't find out about any of it until July of 1999 and was/AM completely devastated by it. We have three children of our own. Initially, before I found out about the OW/OC, my H would make up pretty big lies to travel where the OW/OC lived to go visit this child, a total of about a dozen times in two years. He says the affair was over shortly after he found out she was pregnant and he was only going to visit the child because of her manipulation and guilt. After I found out, I said he could continue visiting, but only with me. He has only gone once in the last 2 years, and that's because I let him go on his own. It was too hard on me emotionally, so we decided that it wouldn't happen that way again. We pay over $1000/month in child support for this child. The OW wrote him a letter two years ago telling him she wanted him to visit more frequently. My H didn't respond, but I did. I wrote and told her he could only visit if I was there. She wrote me back and said, that no, only my H could visit. Soooooo no visits so far. <P>My H has done a lot of things to prove how sorry he is for all of this, but one thing he hasn't done is ask for a paternity test. That's a real sore spot for me. Because he didn't show up for the court hearing to represent himself, the court declared him the father, so even if he would turn out not to be my H's biological child, in this state, we would still be required to pay for support. I still want to know. <P>I am just so mixed up about all of this and think I am heading into a depression over it, even though it's been two years since I have known! My H seems perfectly content not to see the child at all. We send Christmas and birthday gifts. The OW sends us occasional medical bills that aren't covered by our insurance. She also sends occasional pictures, drawings, a note describing that he asks for his dad.......even though he hasn't seen his dad for over a year. He's four years old now. I can't see my husband in this child at all when I look at his picture, and wonder if he's truly my H's or if I just don't want to see the resemblance. I feel guilty that this child doesn't know the wonderful father our children know, and then that makes me mad, because I SHOULDN'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT ANY OF THIS.....I DIDN'T CAUSE THIS SITUATION! His mother, as far as I know, is still on welfare, despite the fact that she is a teacher and could pretty much walk into a job around here. In her letter to me, she told me she was going to "raise her son right" and "stay home and take care of him", and here I am working to help pay her child support. <P>I have so much guilt and anger about what this child may be missing, but I know that even if we pursued visitation, it would probably be only twice a month and is that really any better? No one in our families knows anything about this, especially our children. I am so afraid of what it might do to them if they found out. They are are 18m,11y,14yrs. What truly is the right thing to do in this situation? Is it better not to have any contact at all, including sending presents at important holidays? Should we just continue as we are? Does this childs right to know his father outweigh my rights to protect my children from this emotional rollercoaster? Will the child grow up to hate his father? My H recently told me that he has no feelings towards this child. He doesn't refer to him as his son. He said that unlike me, he never asked this woman to bear a child for him and only feels some guilt that the child is in the circumstances he's in, but that our marriage, and my happiness in our marriage is what comes first. He said that visitation with this child would mean encountering the OW and he knows how much that upsets me and he's not willing to put me through that. He wants no contact with OW either. Still, my Catholic guilt is hammering away at me, and I find that I am blaming myself for my H not visiting this child, even though in my more rational moments, I KNOW this isn't my fault. Does the OW truly want my H to visit her son out of guilt? Do you really think that that is a good enough reason? Any suggestions? Comments?

Sorry you have to post on this site, because that always means you have joined those of us in your shoes. My H had a brief affair which resulted in a child. We have no children of our own and live near the OW/OC. I am like you, I could not live with the fact that this child is an innocent and deserves his father, OC is also a boy. <BR>However, I had not found this site yet. I guess I was not meant to find it because my decision is made and I cannot change it. However, in reading another post it was pointed out to me about the biblical story of Abram and Sara. As a religious person, I am sure you may remember this. Sara could not bear children. Abram slept with her servant who bore a child. God then gave Sara and Abram their own child and banished the OW/OC away. God promised he would take care of them and for Sara not to worry. (paraphrasing of course) <BR>I had forgotten all about this and believed I had to allow H to be involved with OC. I do not regret my decision, but it was a sense of relief to me to know that God was on my side if I had chosen the other route. <BR>You have to do what is best for you, your marriage, and your children. God knows this and will support the right decision.<BR>Just a question, couldnt the OC come visit H rather than H always going to OC. May even cost less for just child to travel than you and H. Only issue then is your children and how to handle that. Or fly OW and OC out and put them up...I assume your costs would be the same. She can pay for her own meals,maybe you all could help with the hotel. Just trying to think of other options if you try to pursue this....dont know what you are comfortable with.<BR>Good luck and glad to meet you. Let us know what you decide.<BR>Tryin

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>They are are 18m,11y,14yrs. What truly is the right thing to do in this situation? Is it better not to have any contact at all, including sending presents at important holidays? Should we just continue as we are? Does this childs right to know his father outweigh my rights to protect my children from this emotional rollercoaster? Will the child grow up to hate his father? My H recently told me that he has no feelings towards this child. He doesn't refer to him as his son. He said that unlike me, he never asked this woman to bear a child for him and only feels some guilt that the child is in the circumstances he's in, but that our marriage, and my happiness in our marriage is what comes first. He said that visitation with this child would mean encountering the OW and he knows how much that upsets me and he's not willing to put me through that. He wants no contact with OW either. Still, my Catholic guilt is hammering away at me, and I find that I am blaming myself for my H not visiting this child, even though in my more rational moments, I KNOW this isn't my fault. Does the OW truly want my H to visit her son out of guilt? Do you really think that that is a good enough reason? Any suggestions? Comments?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You have come to the right place dacasarest.DNA is so in order here!! Geeze what's the problem?<P>Never blame yourself ever.<P>Maybe the ow wants H to visit out of fantasy. If she only cared about the child she wouldn't be worried if you come along. After all what did she expect from a married man? <P>I don't blame you in protecting your kids. I have to tell you you must have dna. Please. It's better than wondering and extortion!!!<P>As far as C growing to hate H why should he? H didn't choose his life his mother did!!<P>I'm catholic too, and God would want your H to provide for his family first. Anything else is secondary. Not that a child is less important in God's eyes but H belongs to you and the children of the marriage. It can never be two ways. OC will grow and realize that some day His Mother choose life but WHAT kind of life??? It's up to her now not you!!!!<P>She must explain. H can explain AFTER dna that he made a mistake and had to be w/his family. His only obligation is to pay a reasonable amount if it's his. Nothing more, nothing less.<P>Prayers to you...<P>Bless you.....<P>Get the dna....<P>Love<BR>Debi<BR><P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Beware of misplaced guilt that does not belong to you. The only one who should feel any guilt at all is the OW who kept a child she knew would be denied a two parent home and a loving father in residence.<P>I was raised Catholic, too, but there is no way on earth I would ever feel any guilt for something I had nothing to do with. I put the blame where it belongs, and so should you. It is sad for the child but the sin lies with its mother...and father, however, it is the mother who is the most responsible because holds all the cards, gets to make all the arbitrary decisions and gives you no consideration. She knew full well that the child would be deprived of its father and had the luxury of calling all the shots without asking anyone else's consent or taking anyone else into consideration. So shame on her.<P>Let the guilt go. Push for DNA proof and if your husband is not the father, then he was extremely foolish for not taking better precautions in protecting your family finances by letting this slip by the wayside.<P>Good luck<P>Catnip =^^=

Well I really am glad you found this place but really sorry you had to look for it, do not feel guilty I don't and never will the mother chose to have this child really it was her choice, probably hoped your H would just be with her because of it etc etc been there for too long I found out in 97 and OC is 5 now H has seen him probavly about the same amount of times your H has and all OW really cared about was monopolizing H attention anyway< H decide dhe really did not want to be involved in OC life and stopped seeing either one of them there has been no contact since Feb 15 2001, I can not believe that you have to pay that much cs it is insane, my children are 21 months, 14 yrs and 19 yrs and they do not know and I want to keep it that way, my family does not know H family does and they really don't care because they know it really is not H problem, I think OW tend to live this elaborate fantasy life where they think our H's are rwally in love with them and us shrewish wives just won't let them go, our OW even tried to bribe H with extended medical whoopee he found that so hard to resist LOL anyway you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about it is not your fault that this child was born out of a loving family it is up to the OW to make a life for her child without your H at her side, she made her bed now she should lie in it, sorry for the ramble I am very tired

I take my hat off to you tolerating this surprise that popped up unfairly in your life and being so sweet about<BR>visitation and all things like that and personally think you are being very nice and understanding<P>I must admit I would be very different and distance myself from the whole thing as none of it was by your respected consent at all in the first place<P>Besides being sweet and nice about the child as well as to the child and supporting financially and visitation rights, I feel you are owed an apology for this betrayal<P>I shake my head and give you ten bunches of flowers<P>I must admit<P>I would have been on my way along time ago<P>You deserve to be the queen for the day and month<P>I woudl never tolerate all the nonsense you are<BR>being put through<P>You have been robbed by someone else, helped by your husband and you are still nice about what was done to you<P>Carol<BR>

Thanks to all that responded. I do know that I shouldn't feel guilty about this, but I still do. Has anyone ever talked to their priest about this situation? What do they say you should do? Some days I just can't bear to think about the future and trying to deal with this.<P>My H hasn't gotten the DNA yet. Legally, he missed the opportunity in court when they had the hearing two years ago. He didn't get any representation or go, because I still didn't know about any of this, and he didn't know how he would explain his absence to go to court. That's almost laughable now, since before, he had no trouble making up lies. The real reason, I suspect, was that he was too embarrassed to face her and the world, in court, and fess up to what he had done. I know we can get a dna test with just him and the child, we don't need the mother. I have told him that to write a letter to her telling her that he wants the DNA test but he just can't seem to do it. He seems afraid of her response. She puts a lot of guilt on him for not visiting or having more contact. Since he hasn't had any contact with the child for over a year, I think he also thinks it would be difficult to do on the sly.........I just say "DO IT". If the courts say he's the father, then she can't tell him NO, right?<P>The OW/OC live almost three hours away, and last we heard, she doesn't have a car, so any visitation would have us travelling to where she is. Has anyone ever used a mediator in this situation? Could you tell me about it? I am just not sure, despite my guilty feelings, if visatation is the way to go. Thanks again for your responses.

A month after my husband came home to recommit to me and to our marriage, we attended Retrouvaille, a program for troubled marriages through the Catholic Church, though anyone of any faith is welcomed.<P>During the Retrouvaille weekend, I had an opportunity to speak with the officiating priest and tell him of my guilt and concern and wondered what obligation and responsibility my husband and I had to this OC. He told me, "You nor your husband have any obligation to this child except for financial. Your only obligaiton is to each other and to your marriage."<P>That was good enough for me.<P>Catnip =^^=