I was wondering how you all approached the ow for the first time. I know it will have to happen sooner or later. Did you just ignore the A when talking to ow, or did you bring up the subject and ask what was she thinking. I have so much anger towards this woman, I am not sure I can be civil. I do know this person from her being his employee for 11 years, she even watched our house and children when we went on vacation, even while A was going on. I keep saying to myself be confident, and show that I am the better person, right?

Hi Tina,<BR>First of all ow was my friend, I left her alone until H wanted to see baby. <BR>I called her to ask and she offered all the things I didn't care to hear or know. All about the A. When and where. Like I didn't already know!!!!<BR>All I kept saying was awwww is that right? Like I sympathized with her... Ugh... but I played into her so we could see the baby. Well after one visit she quit being my friend and refused us further visits unless my H set things up. I even called Fathers day and she said "not to be rude but If your H can't call the mother of his child he doesn't have to see him. Oh well...for now we don't. We'll see what courts say.....<P>It wasn't as bad as I thought. I was extremely nice. I will be if it kills me. She's so pissed H isn't with her!<P>Go for it Tina. You are the innocent one here.<P>Love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

In my situation, I have killed her with kindness. Believe me, it is working! The other night we had an hour long conversation over the phone regarding the OC. H, OW, and I are all meeting this Sat. to put in writing what we want as far as visitation, cs, etc. She is petrified to go to court because she is a single mother and I think she believes she will lose custody(doubtful but I am not telling her that). Anyway, she hinted several times about how I must feel toward her, blah, blah, blah. It appeared as though she wants me to chew her out so she will feel better. I am not going to! She feels guilty? GOOD! She feels like she was wrong? GOOD! She doesnt need me to tell her. She can let it eat away at her...not my issue.<BR>I am fortunate enough to have an OW who is a wimp and will not stand up to me. However, I did not know her personally before the affair. You must feel so betrayed. I may handle that situation differently. I guess it depends on how it will affect what relationship you and H want with the OC. In our case, we are very involved. Since we have not gone to court to get anything legal, we tread lightly so we can see OC. So far it has worked out OK, but one day, I am sure we will go to court. Good luck!

Tina,<BR> The ow was also a co worker. Its been close to 2 yrs since I learned of the oc, the first conversation I had with her was when she called to ask if my h wanted anything to do with his 2 week old son. I had been told also when I had the same feelings that you did that there was nothing going on. My h did tell me 6 months prior to this that he had cheated on me but insisted that it wasnt this ow and that there was no way there was anyone preg. I was actully pretty deciet to her at this time. I was more devastated and pis*** at my h that my he had betrayed me again by keeping this from me. She on the other hand treated me like I was the one that did something wrong by staying with my h after learning that he cheated and like I took something from her. The second time I actully seen her in person was when the dna test were done which was about 4 months later she was scared to death of me. I never said a word to her just sat about 5 feet across from her and just looked at her like what a piece of crap that she is . Actully everybody at the hospital pretty much treated her the same way. The last time I talked to her was when the oc was almost 1 yr old and we had got a letter in the mail the she was going after our income tax for the few months that the back support had built up before the test was done. By this time I was in quit a anger stage as to what was being taken from our child to go to her and her getting paid weekly for screwing my h. I asked her if she felt like a prositute she said what do you mean he never paid me for sex, I said well you get a pay check ever week for it dont you. I also told her I hope someday somebody does to he what she has done to me and then she will know how it feels. I also asked her how she plans on explaining to this poor kid how he was concieved in such a discusting situation she had no answer other then I f*****up. In other words I f***** up meant I didnt succeed in distroying your family and taking your man. That was the last time I have had anything to say to her we have no contact with her or her child she just gets her weekly paycheck. Nobody knows about her or the oc we have a 6 yr old and I dread the day that we have to tell her. Nothing will be said to her about this until she is grown if we can help it. So sorry that you have to be another one going through this. with love flowerseed 2yrs in recovery and counting

Tina,<BR>What you feel you need to say is as individual as the situation. So long as you keep your class and dignity you'll feel better in the long run no matter what. Think of your actions like pebbles thrown in a pond--you want your far-reaching waves to be as positive as possible. If you feel you need to ask her something(s), think carefully about whether you really want to know, whether you'd believe her answers anyway, whether the answer will help in your recovery or just prolong the hurt, etc. etc. If the main topic is visitation/ch-support, perhaps sticking to business and establishing the tone of things (no more solo contact between your H and XOW!) for the years to come is more important.<P>In my case, I knew the XOW for 3+ years. She was a "friend", my son's favorite sitter, the person we did things with the most. Yes, she housesat for us, her kids had sleepovers with us, etc etc. I called her after DDay with a short prewritten list of questions, things my H couldn't or wouldn't answer, like when it started. I got her version without any (yea for me!) namecalling or violence (ah, the angry revenge fantasies!). I wrote her comments down without arguing about them, no matter how stupid, and got off the phone. I did not speak to her again solo for 2 years, at which point I was frustrated by her idiotic emails and had it out by phone, with a more calm written follow-up establishing the rules as H and I see them. It has been very peaceful for us since then, but that doesn't mean it would work for everyone. We moved overseas before the baby was born so we do not have to have face-to-face contact, though we are open to visitation when the kid is older.<P>Take what works for you and leave the rest,<BR>J, in recovery nearly 3 years and loving life

When I met OW for the first and ONLY time, I was civil but BLUNT! I made it very clear to her that she screwed up bad by messing with my family! According to my H, I was VERY intimidating, and once I started talking, she didn't get much of a word in edgewise. Oh, except for, "But you don't know what I went through during the pregnancy and after the baby was born..." At which point, I stood up, got in her face and said, "Don't you DARE whine to me about what YOU'VE been through! You CREATED this situation yourself, so LIVE WITH IT! I, however, did NOT ask for this S**T and quite honestly, you have almost destroyed mine AND MY CHILREN'S LIVES! I don't give a rat's A** what YOU'VE been through!" That shut her up for most of the remainder of the meeting.<P>Following that meeting, OW told my H that I am "mean" and I "hurt her feelings". Awwwwwwww........... As if I care! Frankly, that was one of the most liberating moments of my life!<P>All the best to you!<BR>~Irish

Dear Tina,<P>Beware of OW's that are still "in love" with your H -- they will lie and tell you things that will make you doubt your H. <P>In my case, while the OW was not a friend, she was a friend of my H's sister and I witnessed her stalking my H. She would make it very obvious, in front of me, that she was interested in him and I guess he was flattered by the attention.<P>We had the usual disagreements -- "there is nothing going on - it's your imagination". So, there was great hostility on my part when the imaginary OC from the imaginary affair came on the scene.<P>I was scared to death to face her for a variety of reasons. I felt like a fool and I felt embarrassed that she had succeeded in taking my H. But, when I saw that my H was serious and he truly wanted to work things out, my whole perspective changed.<P>I also killed the OW with kindness. Whenever she was around -- and since she knew my H's family she would appear at family gatherings -- I was polite and kept a firm grip on my H's arm, looked at him with love and pride and always managed to grab a quick kiss when she was watching.<P>The result? The OW went berserk. She would call my H and say the most awful things to him and try to bad-mouth me. I ended up looking like Saint Heavenly and she ended up looking like the lunatic witch from hell. As the "real her" emerged, my H started to appreciate me even more. I was the lady and she was the tramp.<P>It's hard at first, Tina. But always be guided by what your H is telling you and your feelings about putting your marriage back on track. Once you and your H have committed to making your marriage work and you are doing everything to work in that direction - there is little she can do to hurt you. Be proud when you are around her -- after all, you are the winner.<P>love,<BR>heavenly

Lady and the Tramp!!!! Ha ha!!! I love it!!<P>I have never met ow in person, have no clue what the wench looks like, but I agree with Heavenly...beware! There is almost always an ulterior motive. Mine tried to befriend me and then "felt bad" bc she discovered "what a nice person" I was. She took what I said and twisted it and ran back to my H and tried to make Me look like a bad wife/person. Well eventually seh went to far and my H decided she was trying to hurt me and purpose and even thought he had hurt me more than she ever could he could not handle that and cut her off.<BR>I never told her off and everyday I wish I would have. It is like now it is too late bc ow is out of our life and I am afraid emailing her or something would bring her back in. But it wouldnt matter..seh was never remorseful. She acted as if I tool my H from her and like I should feel sorry for her bc she has to do this by herself. But she did not care if he left me alone with our daughter. <BR>But the first time I talked to her I was offguard. I had told H I wanted to talk to her and that we could all work this out. he was still in her state and i was in mine and he was Very Much in the fog. Instead of him giving me her # he said he would talk to her. UGH. She called me the next morning and really caught me by surprise. We takled for hours. And then I called her back that night and we talked for hours more. Strange right. I think I was in a fog too. I hadnt seen my H but 2 times on over a year. I was desperate. I just needed him back with me and if I had to be nice to ow and play into their little we can all get along fantasy then I was going to do it. I think I was still in shock at that point.<BR>Want some advice? Pray before you meet her. Or speak to her. Prayer is what has kept me alive.<BR>Love<BR>broken_wings