This post may seem odd, but I think I am making emotional progress. We have a huge family get together this weekend which I was dreading. My family knows of OW/OC and everytime I talk to my mom or siblings, they try to get me to "see the light". They just cannot understand why I am choosing to stay in my marriage. I have never said no to my family...in fact husband brought that up in therapy...but I backed out of this one. When I get stressed, I break out in cold sores. Well this weekend, my lips exploded. It occurred to me that it was only because I would have to see my family and I knew I would have defend my position...again. So I made the decision not to go.<BR>Wow, do I feel lighter. I had no idea that this visit was weighing on me this way. Was this a copout? Should I have gone and just stick to my convictions? In a way, by not going, I think I am doing what I need to do...for once.<BR>What bothers me the most, is that I know my family will blame my not going on H. It was so totally my decision. He was shocked actually.<BR>Dont know if I am looking for advice, or just venting. Anyway thanks for listening and I hope someone who may have gone through the family stuff will share their experience. <BR>tryin.

Dear tryin,<BR>Good for you!! I think you are taking care of yourself and your H in a healthy way. Your family is wrong to keep pressuring you that way, and they will probably try to get you to change your new attitude too. But I will tell you (completely aside from A), I have seen marriages really injured by a spouse with more loyalty for family than spouse. I felt LOTS of love for my H when he stood up for decisions we made jointly that his family did not like. H and W should cleave to each other, joint agreements, and let no one put assunder... <P>Best wishes,<BR>J

Hey Tryin,<P>I agree with Jenny. If you are not ready to deal with other people and their inconsiderate words, then fine and dandy. Whatever works for you until you have the energy to deal with everyone else's crap. Or dont deal with them. Give them time to decide they can bite their tongues if they can not respect your wishes. My best friend was like that for a while and I finally got tired of defending why I was still with MY family. I finally told her if she continued to belittle my H then I would nto be talking to her until seh calmed down and then I told her that is was stupid that I would not only spend my energy rebuilding my marriage but arguing with her and it wasnt worth it. She chilled.<BR>Good luck and remember they will eventually get over it if you are that important to them.<BR>Love<BR>bw

Good for you Tryin. I KNOW my Mom has made hints like....he made a mistake and should pay for cs and that's it...I let it roll off my back, act as if that's what's going on. When we do find out what's going to happen I'll have no problem telling her. I also will ask her to keep her opinions to herself....<P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Tryin, good for you learning to take care of your needs. Since the loss of the adoption, I have been quite frank with friends and family that right now it is too difficult for us to be around large numbers of children and that we are taking a break from social gatherings with lots of kids until we get over some of the hurt of losing this adoption. <P><BR>First of all, I should admit that I am a blabbermouth. Talking to my family, my ILs, and my friends has always been the way I handle my problems. I don't have a great need for privacy and I *do* have a great need to vent and get the crud out before it builds up to an interolable level.<P>So, this affair is the 3rd of 4 major life crises I have faced in 5 years. When I discovered the affair, I used the same resources I had used for other tragedies--counseling, medications, church, faith, prayer, friends and family. I talked, and talked, and talked. I also felt no need to protect H from other people's opinions. When I talked to friends or family I never called him names, said hateful things, etc. I told the facts and what impact they had on my life.<P>Mostly, I got great support. I really don't know how my family has forgiven him, but forgiving is something that they are good at. A friend told me that I had been taught well by my family. Forgiveness breeds forgiveness and grace begets grace.<P>Anyway, my H took a long time to come out of the fog and begin to reengage in our life and marriage. I really thought his turnaround would be instant, but he went through much more despair and self-hatred than I knew or could understand during my own crises. During that waiting game, during my Plan A, I did lose the support of some of my friends. Some started to call me "co-dependent." I felt that their assessment was incorrect and so did my own counselor and our marriage counselor. I told friends gently if they were going to be critical or unempathetic towards me that we would remain friends, but that I would not talk with them about my marriage and our struggles. (Being angry at my H was one thing; angry at me was different, something I didn't have time nor energy for.) All of them wised up. Most explained that they were so angry at my H and that they felt very protective of me. They wanted to protect me from further harm.<P>Now that we have turned the corner and are in recovery I am glad I stayed. I don't think recovery begins until the WS comes out of the fog. I think that that period between Dday and EOFD [end of fog day] is just a holding pattern.<P>Last week we were with my family on vacation and every single person pulled me aside and said how much better the two of us looked. So much more like ourselves.<P>I feel justified now in waiting through those 7 months of holding pattern to have gotten to this end. It was worth it.<P>MJ