Hello to all,<BR> I lost my password and had to file for a new one. I wanted everyone to remember me so I tried to stick to something similiar. I have a few things to update and could use some feedback<P> My husband and I had counseling last Thursday. Again, it was sort of productive but when the therapist suggested for us to go out together the idea just kind of hung in the air......(I'm not saying anything first - that's for sure!)<BR>That was upsetting and I felt very unsettled when we left. <BR>At one point during the counseling session the therapist asked me what I wanted and I said to save my marriage and he said,"Then go get him!!" I said that I tried that the last time we tried to reconsile but my husband said I was pressuring him. Now I think maybe he just wasn't ready. Maybe.<P> With the "Go get him" ringing in my ears I stopped in his store on my way out to my parent's beach house. Last week I was asking advice on if I should go into his store or not. Well I did, looked good, tan, confident etc. Of course it was the OW's day off. But we did go in and I felt like it was a big step. While there and making plans for my husband to see the kids I invited myself along. We went for a walk and icecream as a family one day. On the way home again I figured, "What the hell" and gussied myself up and stopped in his store again. Now she was there and I know she got a good look at us. I was glad. Let her see 4 kids trailing along with their mother. And let her see how much child support etc. I played it calm and cool, Made sure when the kids gave him a kiss goodbye...I did too. <P> But afterwards I was doing my typical overanalization and realized it was just our old pattern. Me initiating (this time to spend time together) and him agreeing maybe somewhat reluctantly (am I reading too much into things?)<P>Well, I saw our therapist a few days later because he also sees my son and I mentioned my uncomfortableness with the whole situation. He said at the next therapy session we will try to address these issues. He also said my husband has all the control right now. <P>Next episode,... My van starts leaking a funny green liquid today and I call him because he really is the best mechanic I know. He says it's something fairly simple. I ask him for the extra money he owes me (above child support - 50% of medical, dental etc.) because I put 650$ into the van last week and we start to argue about money!!!! I don't get it!!! He's angry that I am not suffering financially like he is. I tell him he chose this but then he'll start talking about how he has no money and gas is so expensive etc. It's like it falls on deaf ears. This is some martyrdom. And to top it all off I screwed up when I filed my taxes so now he owes the government $3,000!! He said to me today he talked to his lawyer and could have had me refile and then pay back the IRS my refund. I offered to take out a loan and pay it up him but no.<P> Today my lawyer called and said that since I had neglected to hand in my paperwork in on time the divorce hearing had ben moved to the beginning of August. I was hoping I'd feel we were going somewhere but I really don't know. Tomorrow we have counseling again and I don't know what to expect. I'm supposed to take him out for his birthyday afterwards but now I have these residual angry feelings.<P> I'm angry that he never acknowledges my and the children's pain. I'm angry that he still tries to compete for martyrdom. And again I have conflicted feelings. Why can't he just be remorseful?? I feel sometimes that this is my chance to start over and try something new but, on the other hand I love him (most of the time) he's been in my life for 23 years and I don't really believe in divorce. Well, I know I've ben rambling again but I guess it helps clear my head. I also have PMS and feel that I'm going to have a hostile attitude when we go to counseling which I will try very hard to avoid. Does any of this make sense? <P>Wish me luck!!<BR> Kris

Hi, Kris!<P>Me again. <P>Have you read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley?<P>If you have, then you've read this before - if not, this might be something new for you: Very few returning WS's actually express remorse. And Dr. Harley advises us in the book NOT to expect it. Of course, it would be utterly ideal if they did - but it generally doesn't happen that way, particularly with men.<P>Only you can decide how much you want the marriage. Reconciliation can happen without expression of remorse. Down the line, he might someday say "I don't know what was going through my head back then" or maybe "It's scary that I almost had to lose you completely to realize how much our marriage meant to me" or something along those lines - but he might NEVER say "I'm so sorry that my actions caused you and the children so much pain."<P>Admitting his guilt to you would make him have to admit to himself that he has done a terrible thing to his family - and that must make him a terrible person, no? Therefore, he chooses to not say it - similar to the ostrich "hiding his head."<P>What kinds of sacrifices would you make for your children? For your family? For your husband BEFORE all of this came about? I am not saying that he is not wrong - of course he is wrong. But how important is it for YOU to be RIGHT?<P>In the larger picture of marriages, it never matters who is right - it is simply not important enough most of the time. Something I learned in my experiences, and have tried to pass on to anyone who will listen: There is hardly ANYTHING that I MUST be RIGHT about! I will not DIE if I am not RIGHT.<P>And I will not love my husband any less if he walked through th door tomorrow and never said "I'm sorry" - because I know that if he were to come back, it would be because that is what he wanted.<P>That's my take, anyhow.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Terri - I havn't read "Surviving an Affair" since last summer when this was all new. I guess I've been reluctant to read it because it really stresses cutting off all contact with the OW and I know that's impossible. I'm afraid it will effect my perceptions of how I go about things but maybe I need to reread the end parts about reconsilation. I'll get it from the library this week. Thanks again. You are always on target and I appreciate your help so much.<BR> Kris