Not long after my wife and I were married I had 2 affairs. we have been married for 8 years and have two awesome kids. I dont know why other than hormones. I was sexually abused when I was younger by my baby sitters son. Since then I have more girls as friends than I do as guy friends. My wife and I are seperated now and have been for three months and to make matters worse, I'm a cop and she is a dispatcher. ( some of you will know how bad that can be ) There was a rummor flying around that I was sleeping with another dispatcher which wasnt true and now we are seperated. How do I start to gain the trust back with my wife but still attempt to try and keep my friends that are girls? When she wants to work on things I dont and when I does she doesn't. Talk about confusing. I start counselling on wed. to try and figure out who I am and what I am doing now. I used to know but I have no clue anymore. She was ready to finish the divorse tomorrow (monday) but I have talked her into giving me 3 days. HELP I only have 3days to show her who I want to become is the same person she wants me to become. HOW DO I DO IT? Thanks for any and all input

Officer - I am in law enforcement and also a police chaplain. I will help you any way I can. I am going to be up front with you. The MB concepts can be successful but only to the extent you are willing to apply them.

Answer us some questions, please.

Do you have children?
Have either of you had previous counseling?
Have either of you consulted with your department chaplain? If not, why not? If so, what were you told?

Are you now ready to face reality and work toward putting the past behind you? Your past trauma is no excuse for the destructive decisions you are making now. You must now be willing to be accountable for your actions, and open to confronting your issues. We can assist you here but you must be open to change.

Let us know if you are ready to move ahead. I'm praying for you both. God bless and stay safe!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How do I start to gain the trust back with my wife but still attempt to try and keep my friends that are girls? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First of all, if I was your wife, that couldn't happen. After two affairs, I'd never accept that you were capable of being "just friends" with women. Can you see where I'm coming from? Because I'm sure she's in the same place.

Have you asked her what changes need to be made in order to work on the marriage? If so, what did she say?

Dear C Willden,

I have been a security guard, and I found a certain amount of bravado in the uniform, My personality changed to a little more macho.

A bravado attitude did not help my relationship with my wife. You might think of consciously switching On and Off your on-the-job approach to police work, and civilian life.

It seems a lawyer might be able to postpone the divorce on some grounds of counseling or possible reconciliation, etc. POJA is nice, but you may need to give some tough love, to extend the final divorce date.

Have you asked your wife, "How can I help you feel that I am being true to you?" "What can I do to make things up to you?"

It is great that you have a new image of you. It is nice taht you want to share this with your wife. What may be more important, is to listen to her ideas of what her vision is. Your wife needs to have a concrete vision for herself. One way to help her build the solid picture, is to ask her questions, "How do you want it to be? What should we change? What should we leave the same? Where can we improve things?"

How could you have cut back on the rumor of an affair with anotehr dispatcher? How can you cut back on that rumor now?

I took the Silva method course with my wife. Silva teaches self-dicpline and mutual support. Silva has a headquartes in Laredo, Texas, but offers the training on a weekend, or on weekday evenings. That helped bring us closer together. Parenting courses brought us closer together, one night a week for 6 weeks.

You might make it a firm rule, to always be open to working on your marriage. Just work out the schedule, but my rule is to be open to those ideas.

By having researched out some marriage improving options, and dates, and addresses, you may be providing evidence of your intent to change.

If you need to give up your platonic girl friends for a while, they should probably understand.

I try to leave my wife messages of what I am doing, so that she can have confidence in my whereabouts. I have a beeper. I spend $15.00 per month on a Verizon prepaid cell phone, so I can call my wife from anywhere.

It shows openess to share events in your youth, but your trustworthiness as a husband is what seems to be the issue today. How can you convice your wife that your baggage, whatever was in your past or your genes, is handled, so that she can not feel like a fool when everyone is laughing up their sleeves at her? Have you felt her embarrassment?


Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still struggling

Chaplain, I have not spoken to a chaplain because we dont have on in the department. I have spoken with one in the military briefly. We do have children, one 4 year old boy and a 2 year old little girl. She is in counselling now and I start mine on wed. Dobie: As for my friends that are girls I have advised the ones that I can get a hold of that I am trying to fix things with my wife. I dont have a problem telling them to go away for a while. But then when my wife is upset I dont have anyone I can talk to. My wife says that I always run to other ladies to talk to which is true. I try to talk to her and she says that she doesnt want to hear it. So who do I talk to??? I dont do the chat room things, I dont talk to my parents, I do talk to my sister but now there are issues with me talking to her. My wife thinks that I am sleeping with all of my little sisters friends which is not true. I'm not blamming my actions on my past father but I dont trust guys very much as stupid as that sounds. I make friends with girls easier than I do guys and I trust them a lot more. I am so lost right now. She tells me that some things I am doing is inappropriate which I have started to see. I have firends (girls) who have come out and been on ridealongs. She says that is inappropriate. But then she goes riding with a deputy and hugs him. She also tells me that she has feelings for him. He isnt divorsed and neither are we. Is there any hope to save my marriage? I want to change I just dont know how long I can go without some clue from her that I have a chance with her to fix it. She has been the most incredible wife a guy could ask for. I have been watching co-workers of mine and listening to them talk about their wives. And I have asked myself, Why havent I been like that? Any advise anyone can offer would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for all the input so far.

Can we have a little more background on what led to the separation and divorce proceedings? Did she discover the As? If so, were you honest with you when she confronted you about them? Knowing more about your past will help us understand what you need to do in your future.

Your need to talk to the girls is going to be a huge problem. I'm hoping that counseling will help you feel like you have someone to talk to. Talking to other women about marital problems will only alienate your wife further and increase your chances of having another A. I suspect that you didn't intend to have these affairs originally, but they developed from friendships. Correct me if I'm wrong. You've shown your W that you can go astray. Now you need to show her by your actions that you're willing to protect yourself from it happening again.

Even if she doesn't want to talk about things, you may wish to write her a letter showing remorse for what you've done and telling her what you're doing to prevent it happening again.

And a call to the Harley's would be well worth it. I think you need more help than we can offer you here.

Dear C Willden

Dobie and Hurting Promise Keeper have given you some thoughtful replies.

I will offer a perspective that comes to mind. You asked for fast ideas, so here goes.

You mentioned that your wife sometimces shuts you down when you try to talk to her.

Let me turn that around, so you can look at it from a different perspective. Suppose we look at that problem, as you have insufficient communication skills to understand how to communicate with your wife. Just bear with me.

First, under MB Negotitatins skills, it talks about setting the right mood, and finding a time to talk. If I am having difficulty communiccating wiht my wife, I will take my wife out to lunch or dinner.

Standard paragraphs on communicaton skills:
I have taken the Dale Carnegie course
($1600.00), the Silva Mehtod ($350.00), and the Scientology Commmunications Course ($110.00). I have the Grades 0 to 4 Scientolgy Grade Charts of counseling questions, 4 volumes, ($80.00 apiece). I have taken Legal Negotiation seminars, ($250.00)

If I am having trouble communication with my wife, I don't start yelling at her, I look to my communication skills. I look over my books, and make a list of questions to try out to get things going. I try to avoid calling up other women for my commnications needs.

There are a number of communication drills, or role playing skits.

So what communication courses have you taken? What communication books do you read? What exercises do you like to practice? What lists of counseling questions do you use and like?

If you want more ideas, post more info. I will keep giving you more ideas, until you stop posting back.

Best wishes,

Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still struggling

Dobie, as far as her confronting me.... I told he about a month afterwards. I brought it to her attention. And the affairs didnt happen from a friendship. I couldn't stand the women then and cant now. one was an ex-girlfriend that I had never slept with. the other was a neighbor girl. I just dont know what is going on in my life anymore. She says she wants a break and to divorse. We are LDS in religion. she wants to get a divorse, both uf us go to counselling then get re-married in our temples. I'm worried that If we get a divorse, then I will quit trying and we WILL go our seperate ways. I just dont know any more. Thanks for listening to me also. The Counsellor I have is also a woman so should I try and find a guy just to avoid any suspicion by my wife?

Dear C Willden,

What is the timetable for the divorce?

What was your wife holding off from for 3 days?

Do you have an attorney?

LDS is Latter Day Saints, Mormon.

You say the kids are awesome. Is there any particular encouragement that you are trying to provide for their progress and growth?

Are there any people who are important to your wife, who could have a better opinion of you, and how could you ask them for their support?

You might also consider how much money you will have to live on, after you pay child support and alimony. Have you checked into the ranges you might expect in your jurisdiction? How much will the lawyer fees be if you try to contest a divorce on grounds of adultery?

The statistics that are quoted on MB is tghat ther is a 2% chance of getting back together after a separation. You probably need to be making extraordinary efforts to put your marrige back toghether.

Will your wife go out to dinner or lunch with you to talk things over? What would you say? What questions would you ask her?

Blessings,

Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still struggling

<small>[ November 03, 2003, 06:31 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

Hello Cwillden,
I too was abused as a child.....I am a women and find that I get along and enjoy the friendship of men more than women......In the past I have always been able to keep this incheck, have had a lot of guy friends and that is always what they remained......just friends.....but this past year I had an affair, which started out as just a friendship.....of course now my husband is very uneasy about any guy friends that I might have.....I can understand this......I try and put that shoe on me.....It's a very fine line......I have been told many times that it is hard for the opposite sex to have a friendship.....however I have proven that it can be done......but because of what I had done I have to be respectful of my husbands discomfort.......
I know where your at it is hard to put the past behind us.....easier said than done......I'm trying and know that I have to move on.....but jeez such a harsh childhood how do you let that go.
Here for you........
cleogirl

cleogirl: Thanks for your input I have felt like I was an oddball for having "girlfriends". I know my past isnt an excuse for cheating and I',m not trying to use it as one. I have turned to my "friends" to talk to while we have been seperated and my wife did not like this. She states that everytime we fight I run to another woman. This is true, I do, I run to them to try and figure you (women) out. I have figured out that it is hopeless. I'm not going to try and figure women out at all. I understand that My wife is very uncomfortable and she has a right to be. But who do I turn to when I need to talk? I try and talk to her and tell her how I feel and she says that she has heard it all. It makes me feel like I am waisting my time. Right now I feel like I am trying to fix to manythings at once. I started counselling. But I still feel like giving up. I tell my wife that I love her and it is like pulling teeth to have her reciprocate. Should I throw in the towel or what???? Man, You women are confusing. Thanks again Cleogirl. How long ago did you step out on your marriage if you dont mind me asking?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cleogirl:
<strong> Hello Cwillden,
I too was abused as a child.....I am a women and find that I get along and enjoy the friendship of men more than women......In the past I have always been able to keep this incheck, have had a lot of guy friends and that is always what they remained......just friends.....but this past year I had an affair, which started out as just a friendship.....of course now my husband is very uneasy about any guy friends that I might have.....I can understand this......I try and put that shoe on me.....It's a very fine line......I have been told many times that it is hard for the opposite sex to have a friendship.....however I have proven that it can be done......but because of what I had done I have to be respectful of my husbands discomfort.......
I know where your at it is hard to put the past behind us.....easier said than done......I'm trying and know that I have to move on.....but jeez such a harsh childhood how do you let that go.
Here for you........
cleogirl </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hey you......I think like myself you have this place to talk about things that are bothering you or if you have questions you want to talk about....I started out in the AOL chat rooms.....not what I was expecting......my husband actually told me about this place.....I hope I can find what I'm looking for......A year ago July is when I started the affair it ended this past February......was very intense.....I miss his friendship.......do you sometimes wish you could press rewind.......Do you know the song by Incubus about can we press rewind......I find a lot of music is like a diary for me.......I guess I can understand why your wife has a problem with you running to your girlfriends at this time......I know my husband did I had to be respectful of that......Do you think your wife truly loves you and do you truly love her.......you guys are kind of at that hurdle time in a marriage where a lot of transition takes place...it's kind of a pass or play time.......
anyway keep chatting at me
here for you
Cleo

Dear cwillden, My heart goes out to you. I sincerely hope that your W will decide to work with you to save your M. You have taken the first steps in finding the solution and the answers and this is a great place to do that.Dr Harley has the best advice and information.
We can live for years believing that something we do is all right and find one day that it is very inappropriate,usually after it has created destruction or pain in our lives or relationships.You are not a bad person,you have just made some bad choices and decisions.It is so good that you have come here to find help and support in making the changes and the rebuilding of your M.

] How do I start to gain the trust back with my wife but still attempt to try and keep my friends that are girls? [/QUOTE]
The one thing I would like to help you to understand,that I and my FWH had to learn as well,is that it is difficult,if not impossible, to have close,intimate friendships with the opposite sex without having problems eventually.Women tend to become emotional and men tend to become sexual when there is intimacy.This not just my opinion. If you will read on this site
[URL=http://www.shirleyglass.com/][/URL] you will be amazed at how much it will be of help to you. She is known for her book NOT JUST FRIENDS.The info I found on her web site was of great help to me and my FWH in our recovery.
You have started in the right direction. There are some very wise and wonderful people here who can give you the best advice.I wish you success in saving and rebuilding your M. kk

Cleogirl, Thanks again for talking to me like I said I felt like I was the only person in this life boat. I hope we can reconcile things but as of last night it didnt sound to promissing. I told her that I needed some type of re-enforcement that WE want to work on things. I told her I am trying but I cant stop you from taking the rest of the papers in. Then after I left her house I called her up a few hours later and asked her If I had pushed her more towards it and she stated that I had. What am I doing wrong??? I have told her my feelings over and over. I feel like I am getting no where FAST. Yeah I have asked someone out on a "date" and that scared me half to death... This was after I read into something that I shouldn have. Once again, my bad.... Is there an instruction manual for women? Also thanks for everyones input so far, please keep it comming. Especially you cleogirl, we have some of the same issues.

Hello Cwilden, I feel so bad for you......it sounds like you would really like to make things up with your wife.......You mentioned that you ask someone out on a date......was this recently??I'm a little confused......Do you believe in your heart that your wife loves you and would like to work out your marriage???????If she's not willing to work with you I don't know what you can do......A different scenario for me......as much pain as I caused my husband, he was not willing to let me go....I had no idea that he loved me that much......Do you believe that if you got back together with your wife you would be able to be true to her......a question you need to ask yourself......I forgot how long you said its been since your wife found out about your affair......because you both need time to heal...it doesn't happen overnight.....it's hard work trying to make up what we've done to our spouses, and sometimes I get tired and think I can't continue like this......you know the suspicions, always feeling like no one trusts you....a bed we made.......i imagine that your wife is still in a very angry stage from the sounds of it......Tell me more about what happened........
here for you
Cleo

Cleogirl: and to answere your question Yes i do truly love her. More than anything in this world. I would do anything for this woman. But I found out on friday that she is sending in the rest of the papers for our divorse. Now isnt that a kick in the N@#$. Well now what?

Hello, I am so sorry to hear about your wifes decision. If I can ask how long ago did your wife find out about your affairs? Did she attend counseling with you? And finally what do you feel that you did to make things up to her??? I know that for me it has been an all consuming time for me making up to my husband the pain I caused him. I am lucky that he wants to stay with me....I can tell it will take time for things to be perfectly good with us..but we are trying...do you feel that you and your wife really tried? Share with me.....
here for you......
Cleo

cleogirl, I am married to cwillden. To answer your questions myself he told me about the affairs within 2 years of marriage. I was defestated but chose to remain married to him. We have 2 beautiful children whom now have consumed my every waking moment. I didnt not go to counceling with him, I started on my own. He didnt want to go so I wasnt going to force him. He has ALWAYS had female friends even though I told him I was uncomfortable with them. I asked him numerous times not to but he didnt listen. I gave 110% for eight years with nothing in return, I felt horrible with me and felt it was my fault that he did what he did. I changed to be who I thought he wanted since he turned to these other females. I felt he wanted the single life and to be married at the same time. After years of this behavior I completely shut myself off to him emotionally. I finally got up the nerve to tell him that I was done and moving on that I wouldnt be treated that way anymore. He said he tried for a month after separating and then took a break, well during that break he asked a female out. He said he had feelings for her. He cant even be faithful during our separation. I feel if it was important enough to him he would have tried as long as it took to regain my trust. He has done NOTHING to try to show me he can be trusted. I love him but not like I should. I wanted so bad for this marriage to work with no help from him. I have nothing left to give and I am tired of being hurt by him. There is no one else in my life and dont want anyone right now. I dont trust men in general. I hope this helps you get a better understanding of where I am coming from.

Thank you Jen for shedding some light....It sounds like he likes the idea of be married but has a hard time staying within the bounderies of it. Why to you think he came to this web sight? I was the WS as well and it has taken a lot of work for my husband and I to get where we are right now......still work to do.......I'm here now because this time last year holds a lot of memories for me that are haunting me.....I guess this is usual. Like your husband I too have always had guy friends.....and that was the way they always stayed, however during our recovery I have respected where my husband is at. I'm sorry that you have not been able to work things out...but it does take two.......
Thank you again
Cleogirl