Boy, this going to sound really, really dumb considering all the huge and positive changes in our marriage in the last 3 months.<P>Back in '95 (two years into my H's affair), I went to live overseas for 6 months by myself. As I understood it, it was not a marital separation in any sense of the word. I was going to persue an education opportunity. I would never have gone if I knew of his A nor even suspected that he was capable of one. I had the utmost trust in his fidelity.<P>He says his ENs have always been met in our marriage. I think that he is in denial that my weight was a real hinderance to one of his most important ENs--a spouse that is attractive to him.<P>Anway, I have never felt like all of my ENs were being met. H has always placed his own desires, pleasures and entertainment ahead of what is best for our marriage. I don't want to be placed first in the pecking order, but I would like our marriage to be. For example, when we were first married and he was at flight school, he played golf nearly every single afternoon returning home just in time for a very late dinner and bed. He often placed drinking and having fun with his Navy buddies ahead of spending time with me. He was, until the past two years a real guy's guy. Sports, beer and selfish pursuits at the expense of his marriage. <P>Anyway, when I came back from overseas, we resumed our life together where we had left off.<P>I met another man at work that I found very attractive. He is a foreigner who speaks Spanish and was willing to help me keep my second language alive. The second time we got together to practice my Spanish and his English we made it very clear that this would never become an affair. He was unattached at the time but mourning the loss of a long-time girlfriend. He said he admired my committment to my marriage and to building a future together with H. We both said that we though infidelity was disgusting.<P>All good intentions aside, I found myself feeling very, very attracted to him after many months of seeing him for lunch or dinner a couple of times a week. I was not deceiving my husband. He knew that I was seeing this man and that it was a friendship. We both used to believe that friendships were possible between men and women. I am not so sure anymore.<P>Anyway, I found myself thinking more and more what life would be like with this man. We seemed so compatible. We never, ever spoke of feelings for each other. I still to this day have no idea how he may have felt about me. We never touched, never kissed, never did anything, anything at all inappropriate. I back out of the friendship when I became aware that it was consuming my thoughts and presenting a danger to my marriage. When H and I moved away my friend gave me a foreign film about a man and a woman who fall in love, but never take it any further because the woman is married, the man is a friend of the H, and they both want to do the right thing by their H and friend. I took it to mean that is what happened between us.<P>Sometimes, I wonder what I would have done if I had known at that time that my husband was cheating on me. I don't think I would have had an affair, but I might have chosen to divorce and try for a life with this other man.<P>I sometimes regret and resent that not knowing the truth of my H's affair, I may have given up a future that may have been easier, happier for me. I would have had Biblical permission to divorce if I had known, instead I just decided to work harder at a marriage that I know now was not the one I thought I was involved in.<P>I know. Just let it go, right? I certainly will, but I can't help a little nostalgia and sadness at a lost life. <P>My friend is now married and I wish him all the best. We have no contact since I declined his kind invitation to his wedding. The day I called him (3 days past Dday) and told him of H's affair and OC, he told me he was getting married. I never made contact again. I know I did the right thing a few years ago when I backed out of the friendship and last year when I vowed not to ever make contact again, but JeezeLouise......<P>MJ

Dear Mrs. Job,<P>I have stood exactly in your shoes and I know how you feel. Only in my case, I met the male friend after the OC was born.<P>This was a gentleman that worked at the same firm but with a different specialty so he worked in another department. I consider myself to be an average looking woman. This man was "drop-dead gorgeous" and I was absolutely flattered, in the beginnning, that he even spoke to me. We became friends because of our intense interest in the law and from there we found many things in common.<P>I began to think about him all the time and there was an unspoken pressure to take the friendship to a higher level. <P>I felt, at the time, much of the same things that you expressed. I had been happily married until the OW/OC. I thought of having an affair to "get even" and I thought of leaving my H for this man because in my mind he was so much better for me. The man was very attentive and made it obvious that I meant a great deal to him. But God intervened and forced me to really think about what I wanted to do.<P>It was true that I had problems in my marriage but the basic reasons why I had fallen in love with my H and married him were still there. Then, I took a good look at my friend. Already I could see that there were some things I overlooked about him because I wanted him to be perfect for me and, besides, we were not really in a relationship. He was very opinionated and, while I often let our discussions just drop, over time and in a relationship that particular trait would develop into a major problem.<P>All that glitters is not gold, Mrs. J. But, sometimes, we feel so tarnished by things that are happening in our lives that as soon as we see something glittery we automatically assume it's gold. That's what my H did with the OW and it was the biggest mistake of his life. Personally, I feel if I had allowed myself to do the same thing it would also have been a mistake.<P>My friend transferred to an overseas office and we lost touch. He returned to our office a little over a year ago and we started talking again. I felt that same attraction right off the bat and flirted once again with the idea of an affair.<P>The wise men and women on MB Forum told me -- NO! -- face the problems in your current relationship and do your best to solve them. You are only looking at someone else because you have not faced what is happening in your own backyard.<P>I did just that and it was only last year that my H and I went through a true metamorphosis and developed an unprecedented level of communication and understanding. For the first time since the OW/OC mess began, I feel that I have my marriage back, my H back and my own life back. <P>I see the "almost OM" now and then. He still looks great and I still feel flattered. And, I have a better understanding of how my H gave into the same weakness that almost allowed me to destroy my marriage.<P>Every story may not turn out the same. Some marriages are not meant to last forever. But, Mrs. J, if you take those vows seriously and you look at the rich history between a husband and wife, I feel you have to do everything in your power to make it right once it goes wrong. <P>I think you did the right thing. If it was an opportunity that was meant to be, then you would have recognized it immediately and run for it. The fact that your H strayed does not change how you felt about your marriage at that point. You felt you had something worth saving and that means that you probably do.<P>But let the memory of that gentleman make you smile from time to time and remind you that, it doesn't really matter what a person looks like on the outside, your beauty shines through. Yours certainly has on this forum, Mrs. J.<P>Keep smiling ...<BR>love,<BR>heavenly

Mrs. Job,<P>Your words echoed many of the things my husband said about his "friendship" with our mutual friend. He often wondered how different his life would have been with her.<P>He also said that she met many of EN that I wasn't meeting. Funny, now he says that all along his being consumed with her didn't allow him to see that I was willing and able to meet those needs. He just wouldn't allow me the opportunity! <P>And he too realizes that the grass isn't always greener. He knows now that if he waters his own lawn it will be the greenest in the neighborhood!<P>So, like Heavenly said, think about the almost OM and smile. But don't be consumed by what could have been. You will be closing a small part of yourself off from you true love... you husband.<P>Z.<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by heavenlybody26:<BR><B>But God intervened and forced me to really think about what I wanted to do.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Don't you ever wonder WHY God did not intervene on our behalf when our spouses were getting involved with an OP...and worked His miracles to turn THEIR hearts around? (Sigh)....this is something I have pondered often, and the reason I was so angry with God for over two years.<P>Catnip =^^=<P>

Aw Catnip I hope you're over your anger now.<BR>If you didn't suffer so incredibly and find this site I may have never met you.<BR>Your posts to me always made me feel better. Your experiences helped me to know someone else felt what I was feeling too.<BR>Maybe that is the reason . God only gives us free will. It's up to us to deny satan. Satan comes disguised as many things. He offers up choices to hard for some to pass up.<P>When God intervenes he gives us the help we need.<P>You found marriagebuilders.com<P>You have been a godsend to many men and women here.<P>I am thankful for having had the chance to be comforted by a complete stranger who's compassion helped me through my darkest hours.<P>Bless you wonderful Catnip. God IS good.<P>love<BR>Debi<P>ps watch the miracles from now on in court.<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Dear Catnip,<P>God did not intervene to prevent our spouses from taking up with OPs because THEY did not ask for guidance. I firmly believe that there is balance in every relationship -- the smart one, the less smart one; the strong one, the less strong one, etc.<P>The people on this forum, whether they know it or not, are all the strong ones. And, whether we like it or not, our job in life is to help the less strong ones. It is a role that you get damned tired of and one that you wish you could give up -- but in your heart of hearts, if you really know yourself, you would not have it any other way.<P>I am sure what my marriage vows meant to me. I am sure about the road that I want to follow. And I would never want to be my H who will forever be haunted by actions that no longer make any sense to him. Why didn't God help him -- because quite simply he did not ask for help. He thought he knew everything, he thought he was clever enough not to get caught and so he turned his back on God and he walked with the devil. Now, the devil owns a little piece of him for the rest of his life.<P>Meanwhile, I can hold my head high, look anyone in the eye, and know that I have done everything in my power to make a good home and make my marriage work.<P>I will always be glad that I asked for God's guidance to stop me from getting involved with an OM. That was not the way to deal with my problems. And trading one man to allow another man to define who I am, was not the way to find myself. I had to do that by myself.<P>Although I would gladly trade almost anything not to have gone through this OW/OC experience, it did open up a new life with my H. You said it yourself, Cat, there is something to be said for walking through the fire and coming out alive and together. <P>Unfortunately, my H still has not found God, not in the way that I have a personal relationship with Him, but my faith is stronger than ever. I know now that the answer is not always what you want, but it is always what you need.<P>Think about it ...<BR>love,<BR>heavenly

hey guys, haven't been here much. been so busy with school, work, etc. but i had to respond to this post.<P>first of all, mrs. job, i agree with the others, look at this as a fond memory and nothing more. i too think you are a beautiful person. your presence here on the forum is very important, you always have good advice for everyone.<P>heavenly, glad you didn't fall into the OM trap and now are so happy with your husband. you deserve it!!!<P>zebra, i am sorry i didn't respond to your original post, but i am glad you finally shared things with everyone here, and that cd was there for you. keep working hard at your marriage, i think your H really wants to try, he just maybe needed to think you would leave and it knocked him out of the fog.<P>catnip, i agree with heavenly. and i also agree with gem, you have been such an important part of the MB forum. always have enjoyed reading your posts. you are great.<P>gem, well said.<P><BR>now, the reason i responded to this post. i recently started working at a new job and their is a guy there that is always flirting with me. he tells me how nice i look and notices things like the smell of my shampoo, if i change my hair etc. when he looks at me when he is talking to me, it is like he is looking through me, right into my eyes. he is cute and nice and always helpful when i ask a work related question. <P>i have to admit i am flattered by his attentions but i never let on to the fact. i just act oblivious to his flirtations, etc. he knows i am married, and has never said anything that would really be out of line. <P>i guess the thing is that it really made me realize how easy it would be to be tempted if things weren't going well in my marriage. lucky for me, things are great. H is still working out of town, but we see eachother every other weekend and actually have a fun romantic weekend coming up this weekend. we are staying at the regent hotel in las vegas and i can't wait. the room has lots of cool stuff, and we are going to do the stay in the room thing. we usually hit all the hotels and walk the strip, but this weekend we are planning to be more laid back.<P>it has also made me more understand how easy it was for H to fall into the sexual relationship with OW. if we were having problems now, i would most likely be flirting back and that could lead to problems. i am happily married and having an attractive, friendly guy give me so much attention is flattering. it would most likely be so much more flattering if i was unhappy and he was meeting EN's that my H wasn't.<P>well, just had to share. will talk to you all later.<P>happy_girl<BR>

Hi all,<P>Thanks for the good advice. I do think back fondly of my former friend. I feel no guilt over what I did, or rather didn't do. I am glad that I made the moral choice.<P>Mostly what I was angry about is that lying is the lowest form of disrespect. By not being honest about his A my H left me to make decisions about my life when I was only able to see half the hand I was playing with. Does that make any sense? I had to operate in the dark because I didn't know the true facts of our lives.<P>I often think, oh if only he had told me of A, before there was an OC we could have ended the affair together. If he didn't have the strength to end it before the true tragedy of an OC, I would have been strong enough for him.<P>More than anything in life, I don't like facts of my life being withheld from me. One example: the fact that my Dad is not my biofather. That was something I had a right to know long before my parents disclosed when I was 35 years old.<P>Please don't think that I am sitting here in mourning for my "lost opportunity." I brought it up because for some reason it returned to my thoughts now, *after* things are finally going well in my marriage. It is strange how thoughts can capture your attention at times when you thought the issues were already settled.<P>MJ