I had an 8 month affair and elected to tell my husband.....but after I told him I continued the affair.....the affair has ended, but I am having a hard time moving on.....my husband is very supportive, but I'm not sure where I'm at. We have been married for 25 years and neither one of us had ever been through this before.....having a hard time

cleogirl:

Time. I've been married (M'd) almost 28 years now, and my W had 2 affairs (As) with the same other man (OM) over a 12 year period of time.

Recovery is only going 2 "start" when the A is over and you have "no contact" (NC) with your OM ever again.

You should read the articles on the home page about infidelity. The Harleys have extensive experience helping people survive exactly the kind of A you had and make their M better than it was. As don't happen in vacuums, though, so you should seek counseling 2 help you figure out what was missing from your M that made you seek it from the OM.

Also, give yourself some time 2 withdraw from your addiction 2 the OM. Yes, affairs are like addictions, and need 2 be treated that way during recovery.

Most importantly, you and your H are human. We all make mistakes. Both of you made mistakes in your M that contributed, indirectly perhaps, 2 your decision 2 have an A. I am delighted 2 hear that your H is being supportive. I think I like him!

Anyway, please take care. You've come 2 the right place for helpful advice.

All my best,
-2long

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cleogirl:
<strong> I had an 8 month affair and elected to tell my husband.....but after I told him I continued the affair.....the affair has ended, but I am having a hard time moving on.....my husband is very supportive, but I'm not sure where I'm at. We have been married for 25 years and neither one of us had ever been through this before.....having a hard time </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long:
<strong> cleogirl:

Time. I've been married (M'd) almost 28 years now, and my W had 2 affairs (As) with the same other man (OM) over a 12 year period of time.

Recovery is only going 2 "start" when the A is over and you have "no contact" (NC) with your OM ever again.

You should read the articles on the home page about infidelity. The Harleys have extensive experience helping people survive exactly the kind of A you had and make their M better than it was. As don't happen in vacuums, though, so you should seek counseling 2 help you figure out what was missing from your M that made you seek it from the OM.

Also, give yourself some time 2 withdraw from your addiction 2 the OM. Yes, affairs are like addictions, and need 2 be treated that way during recovery.

Most importantly, you and your H are human. We all make mistakes. Both of you made mistakes in your M that contributed, indirectly perhaps, 2 your decision 2 have an A. I am delighted 2 hear that your H is being supportive. I think I like him!

Anyway, please take care. You've come 2 the right place for helpful advice.

All my best,
-2long </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thank you 2long for your words of wisdom......My husband and I did go to couseling......but I am now finding myself dwelling on the past a lot.....Maybe because this time last year a lot was going on and there are a lot of memories suurfacing......my husband wants me to be honest with him and tell him how I'm feeling but when I do it upsets him......kind of a catch 22.....Right now I guess I am feeling very alone and confused.......Not really anyone I can talk to about this........

Hello,

I have a question that confuses me. I applaud you for being honest with your husband admitting your affair and working on the marriage. My question is why did you continue the affair after you admitted it to your husband? Did you husband know you continued to be intimate with the OM after you confessed? I don't understand why you continued in the affair after you confessed? I would think that this would be extremely hurtful to your husband. Do you wish to
stay married? I wish you luck.

I know it doesn't make any sense.......and yes it was very hurtful for my husband.....something I will have to live with the rest of my life.......I guess I just had a hard time giving up the om......The om and I formed a friendship way before we became intimate with each other.....I think for me that was the hardest thing to let go of......the friendship.......yes I believe that I want to stay married.....I had a choice to make and I made the choice to stay with my husband......we are working hard to find our way back.......can't explain my confusion...but it's there........

Dear Cloe,

I believe in Radical Honesty, RH, in the following perspective. I avoid doing anything that I would hesitate to tell my wife.

If something comes up, that would be inconsiderate for me to share with her, for some variety of reasons, then I hold of on that type of honesty. Robert Redford maried an indian woman, daugher of a Chief in one movie. He would pretended to enjoy her cooking, but actaully he hid the food. It is possible to be inconsiderate and unkind with the truth.

Some people are good about being unkind, with truth or inuendo. I am not skilled, and it is not a skill I am trying to learn.

There was a guy, who keeps changing his name, DNS, Dred No Silence, and Dred is Back. He felt that he wanted his wife to tell him every thought that came to mind. I suggested that he not be pushy or concerned about the past. Dred, No. 20561, search under Emotinal needs. Dred drops out for 6 weeks at a time. I debated with him, but I am not sure I convinced him, or others who came in, but you might get some ideas from those threads.

Dred was upset because when he asked his wife, "what are you thinking?" she would reply, "Oh Nothing." She had suffered abuse, and he knew she must be sometimes having occasional flashbacks.

What I suggested was that what his wife meant to say, was, I don't have my thoughts suffiecintly thought through, in an organized form, and I don't feel comfortable expressing half-baked glimpses, of no real meaning."

Getting yourself into present time, what is happening This Year for you?

I tried to talk to Dred about present time, but I'm not sure I scored any points. Let me know how you tally up my score. Don't forget extra credit for effort.

Just type with the flow of you feelings. You can edit it later. Just click on the pencil and paper at the top of your post. My idea is that the more your post, the more benefit you will receive.

Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still struggling

<small>[ November 04, 2003, 06:29 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Quipper:
<strong> Dear Cloe,

I believe in Radical Honesty, RH, in the following perspective. I avoid doing anything that I would hesitate to tell my wife.

If something comes up, that would be inconsiderate for me to share with her, for some variety of reasons, then I hold of on that type of honesty. Robert Redford maried an indian woman, daugher of a Chief in one movie. He would pretended to enjoy her cooking, but actaully he hid the food. It is possible to be inconsiderate and unkind with the truth.

Some people are good about being unkind, with truth or inuendo. I am not skilled, and it is not a skill I am trying to learn.

There was a guy, who keeps changing his name, DNS, Dred No Silence, and Dred is Back. He felt that he wanted his wife to tell him every thought that came to mind. I suggested that he not be pushy or concerned about the past. Dred, No. 20561, search under Emotinal needs. Dred drops out for 6 weeks at a time. I debated with him, but I am not sure I convinced him, or others who came in, but you might get some ideas from those threads.

Dred was upset because when he asked his wife, "what are you thinking?" she would reply, "Oh Nothing." She had suffered abuse, and he knew she must be sometimes having occasional flashbacks.

What I suggested was that what his wife meant to say, was, I don't have my thoughts suffiecintly thought through, in an organized form, and I don't feel comfortable expressing half-baked glimpses, of no real meaning."

Getting yourself into present time, what is happening This Year for you?

I tried to talk to Dred about present time, but I'm not sure I scored any points. Let me know how you tally up my score. Don't forget extra credit for effort.

Just type with the flow of you feelings. You can edit it later. Just click on the pencil and paper at the top of your post. My idea is that the more your post, the more benefit you will receive.

Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still struggling </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hello Quipper,
Thank you for your words of wisdom........In retrospect I don't think that I would have told him about my affair......I had no idea the pain that the truth would cause.......this man loves me so much that sometimes it's suffocating.....does that make sense?????? After I told him I let him talk with my mother and sister..I knew that he needed someone to talk to. It helped him at the time...but now I have to make amends to all of them as well.......I guess I am carry alot of grief......and I have a hard time being with my family right now......I have elected not to join them for Thanksgiving......just not in a good place right now.......

Dear Cleo,

Talk to me a little about present time. What do you plan to do for Thanksgiving? How can you make it more special?

How about a James Bond, secret pact. You and your husband will never speak of the incident agian, expect in secret, and only by pre-arrangement.

Have you asked your husband, "What can I do to make it up to you?" You might look over the In Recovery section under infidelity. I just think it needs not to be brought up. Was there a reason for your sisters and your mother to know about it? Are there other people who need to be told? Some things are best left swept under the rug as much as possible. But listening to your husband's ideas of making it up might be worthwhile.

Have you given your husband a copy of The Love Diet? My wife has come around considerable since I read it, and started practicing calling with at least sweet nothings, for 3 contacts a day. It is under Negoitiations, by TOOMUCHCOOFFEEMAN, Entitled 180 Degree Divorce Busters. The Love Diet is at the end. If your husband follows the Love Diet, he should have less concern about what you are thinking.

Read 180 Degree Divorce Busters also. The idea is, that by making changes, things will get better. Tell me about suffocating love.

Keep posting till you get to where you want to be.

Quipper

<small>[ November 05, 2003, 12:53 AM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

Cleogirl

At this time of the year when the light changes some people experience a mild to moderate depression brought on by darkness. A course of antidepressant medication for several months seems to relieve the symptoms.

Also, many people have a problem with the holidays particularly if the holidays trigger bad memories or bad expectations. I can easily see how you would want to avoid your family due to the embarrassment and guilt over the affair. Don’t stay by yourself during Thanksgiving. Invite your husband to spend the day with you. Maybe you and hubby can go somewhere alone during the upcoming holiday season to get you out of this funk you seem to be in?

Just some ideas…hope you feel better soon.

Beau

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SonofWF:
<strong> Cleogirl

At this time of the year when the light changes some people experience a mild to moderate depression brought on by darkness. A course of antidepressant medication for several months seems to relieve the symptoms.

Also, many people have a problem with the holidays particularly if the holidays trigger bad memories or bad expectations. I can easily see how you would want to avoid your family due to the embarrassment and guilt over the affair. Don&#8217;t stay by yourself during Thanksgiving. Invite your husband to spend the day with you. Maybe you and hubby can go somewhere alone during the upcoming holiday season to get you out of this funk you seem to be in?

Just some ideas&#8230;hope you feel better soon.

Beau </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Beau,
Thank you for your response......I am going to try and make the holidays special this year..I have invited a dear friend to join us this year.....She had been through a similar situation as I.....and I'm hoping that she can help me move on......I don't want out of this life, I just want to get on with it........
Oh and your right about the change of seasons I am definately a sun person....and the onset of the cold can be depressing.......

Dear Cleo,

Thank you for your reponse to my first reply to your situatuion.

I do not find a reply to my second post to you. My further ideas may not have been helpful, and that may be the reason you did not respond.

I do not see more ideas for you, without a further understanding of your situation. It is therapeutic to go through each suggestion in a reply, so that others know your opinion. Your opinion may be just that it is too personal to get into right now.

My suggestion that you coach your husband to be more romantic, reviewing THE LOVE DIET, is based on the idea that temptation can be reduced by a good romance in the marriage. The Bible advocates being faithful, but in Song of Songs, (Song of Solomon in some versions) the Bible speaks of romance. It is easier to be faithful, when there is better romance in the marriage.

You did copy my first post. Just click on edit, pencil and paper, at the top of the post, to add and insert your comments.

If you are not replying because my ideas are wrong, and you don't want to embarrass me to explain how I am wrong, let me give you assurances that I am aware that I don't have the full picture, even if the full details are there, I may not fully understand your intentions. Even if I understand the situation and your intentions, I cannot predict the future. So, I have no problem being wrong, or reversing my suggestions. Feel free to tell me how much I am wrong. It pointing out my errors, you, yourself, will be getting closer to knowing the truth, and understanding your best approach.

Blessings


Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still struggling

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Quipper:
<strong> Dear Cleo,

Thank you for your reponse to my first reply to your situatuion.

I do not find a reply to my second post to you. My further ideas may not have been helpful, and that may be the reason you did not respond.

I do not see more ideas for you, without a further understanding of your situation. It is therapeutic to go through each suggestion in a reply, so that others know your opinion. Your opinion may be just that it is too personal to get into right now.

My suggestion that you coach your husband to be more romantic, reviewing THE LOVE DIET, is based on the idea that temptation can be reduced by a good romance in the marriage. The Bible advocates being faithful, but in Song of Songs, (Song of Solomon in some versions) the Bible speaks of romance. It is easier to be faithful, when there is better romance in the marriage.

You did copy my first post. Just click on edit, pencil and paper, at the top of the post, to add and insert your comments.

If you are not replying because my ideas are wrong, and you don't want to embarrass me to explain how I am wrong, let me give you assurances that I am aware that I don't have the full picture, even if the full details are there, I may not fully understand your intentions. Even if I understand the situation and your intentions, I cannot predict the future. So, I have no problem being wrong, or reversing my suggestions. Feel free to tell me how much I am wrong. It pointing out my errors, you, yourself, will be getting closer to knowing the truth, and understanding your best approach.

Blessings


Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still struggling </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hello Quipper, I'm sorry I didreply but I am new at this and I probably messed up.....still learning how to post and reply......anyway you ask me what I was doing for Thanksgiving.....I have invited a very good friend and her family to join us this year.....I look forward to talking with her because years ago she went through a similar situation.....so hopefully she can help with some insight to where I am at.......you ask about what my husband is doing to bring romance back into our lives......he has done so much...we started going out dancing every Friday night and sometimes staying in a hotel downtown instead of coming home......we call it dancing our way to romance.....we both have also taken each other on a couple of surprize trips....this is very fun.....my husband loves me very much and I know this......the fact that he was able to forgive me speaks volumes......I think that I have spent the last 7 months healing him and making him feel secure in his place with me, but during this time I haven't addressed some of my issues....this is where I'm at now........
thank you again

Dear Cleo,

It sounds like your husband has succeeded in putting more than average romance into your marriage.

I don't know if you have looked at the Love Diet, or not. There may be something that your husband might pick up additionally, if you were to print it out, and let him read it.

You can copy it from MB, by highlighting it with a left click, and dragging the mouse. Then release the left click, and right click on the highlighted area, and select COPY from the box menu. Then open Word, get a new document, then Left Click on the new document, then Right Click on the cursor, then select Paste from the box menu, then select File and Print.

Other women have reported improvements in thier husbands. I have apparently improved, as my wife is more affectionate, since I started to apply some of the principles.

Quipper

Hello Quipper......I was wondering what MB is? I would like to copy the Love Diet......
Thanks
Cleo

Boy, I really admire all you people who give your spouses a second chance after they cheat on you. If I am ever unfaithful to my wife, I am quite sure that I will never get a second chance.