Mr. Job and I were driving back to our vacation place from last week to pick up our car that died on the way home. After being stranded on the road for hours, it had to be left at a shop for repairs.<P>So, in the 250 miles out to get the car out of the shop, we had lots of time to talk. We were talking about what was going on on this board and I mentioned Ronman's situation and that he seemed to feel that a one-night-stand was "less bad" than a long-term affair. Mr. Job replied "well, it is." <BR>Mr. Job had a 7-year, on-again-off-again affair; he felt some form of love for this woman and he sees that as a bigger betrayl than other forms of affairs.<P>I don't know if this is true for me. If he had had a one night affair that resulted in a child, I don't think I would feel one bit better about this. For me, it is some sort of bizarre comfort that it wasn't "just sex." That seems to be the words of a serial adulterer. It seems somehow less dishonorable that he felt this attraction to this woman, didn't resist it, had sex, felt love. At least I don't think he is liable to repeat this type of behavior. If he had a one-night stand I would worry that sex-without-emotion might become a pattern with him or that it was a pattern that I just hadn't discovered yet.<P>Am I as strange as I sound to myself right now?<P>MJ

i would agree that the act of adultry whether committed once<BR>or many is equally "bad" but the short time span leads to<BR>less individual oportunities for lies and deceitfulness.<BR>a case where the partner fails to gaurd themselves but <BR>is discusted with their betrayal and confesses seems to<BR>be easier to forgive than years of dishonoring the spouse. windfall

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>is discusted with their betrayal and confesses seems to<BR>be easier to forgive than years of dishonoring the spouse. windfall<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I agree with windfall here....My h confessed and begged forgiveness all at the same time.....<BR>He was/is sick at what he had done. <P>it DOES make it easier. Especially since no love was professed. It was all about money and sex. ow doesn't deny that either. She just presumed he'd want a bunch more kids w/a rich woman!!!HA!!!<P>Love<BR>Debi<BR><P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Windfall said what was precisely on my mind..the act of adultery is equally "bad" since it is a sin. And a sin is a sin, right. What is worse with a long time affair is the other sins that goe with it as mentioned above..lies, deceite, more sex, etc. Just a lot more stuff you have to find in yourself to forgive for.

Mrs. J, I think your position is less common, but still normal. Most people figure the less involvement the better (# of acts, time, emotions). <P>I have felt both sides. On the one hand, I am soooooooooooo hurt by the length of time my H stayed involved (15mo but he was gone part of that time; that doesn't compare to 7years I suppose), by the multiple acts of sex/lies/deceit and by the fact I knew her closely and he did not protect me!! On the other hand, I also got upset when he TRULY seemed to have no emotional attachment to this woman after over a year of involvement and a pregnancy, and I wanted to know if sex was THAT meaningless to him! Could he just *do it* with ANYONE?! He admitted that if he had been a single man and she got pregnant he would've married her as "the right thing to do" but that he never wanted to be with her long term. I understand now, how, once started, the A takes on a life, an energy of its own. He said A made him more miserable, that he tried to end it a couple of times but XOW cried and carried on and "Mr.Nice Guy" (also worried about discovery) caved and continued it until he could move from the area... (funny how the pregnancy came next, eh?). <P>Adultery hurts--period. Short, long, emotions, not, pregnancy, not, STDs, not--it hurts. Is one "better"? We are comparing WOUNDS, wounds we can't see to tell whose is deepest. Is losing an older child worse than losing a younger child? It all hurts.

I remember feeling so sick that he could have sex at<BR>the drop of a dime (or her shorts in this case).<BR>There was no relationship...<P>It taking me some time to learn what my H <BR>was feeling when that happened, to believe that<BR>he is sincere in his remorse, and have faith that<BR>it left him with such a bad feeling he will<BR>not repeat that mistake. That's on a good day!<P>Just as bad were the two years of neglecting to tell<BR>me of the possiblility of the oc.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jenny:<BR><B><BR>I have felt both sides. On the one hand, I am soooooooooooo hurt by the length of time my H stayed involved (15mo but he was gone part of that time; that doesn't compare to 7years I suppose), by the multiple acts of sex/lies/deceit and by the fact I knew her closely and he did not protect me!! On the other hand, I also got upset when he TRULY seemed to have no emotional attachment to this woman after over a year of involvement and a pregnancy, and I wanted to know if sex was THAT meaningless to him! Could he just *do it* with ANYONE?! He admitted that if he had been a single man and she got pregnant he would've married her as "the right thing to do" but that he never wanted to be with her long term. I understand now, how, once started, the A takes on a life, an energy of its own. He said A made him more miserable, that he tried to end it a couple of times but XOW cried and carried on and "Mr.Nice Guy" (also worried about discovery) caved and continued it until he could move from the area... (funny how the pregnancy came next, eh?). <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Are our husband's twins separated at birth. My H's emotions followed where his genitals led him. He began to care for her, which is think is normal if you are having a long-term relationship. After a few months he felt he had some sort of responsibility toward her. She quickly became dependent and needy, a real change from the bold face and "I just want to have an affair with you" attitude she presented in the beginning.<P>When he did break up with her a few times, she would threaten to tell me about the A. I can't believe my big, strong, confrontational husband let her control him to this extent.<P>Thanks for the input all.<P>Mrs. Job<P>

Mrs. J--<BR>Twins yep yep! Is he a conflict avoider too??? (You know, my H handles conflicts at work great, even with our kids, but in his lovelife he's a marshmellow!)<P>The XOW behavior seems classic now, like a guy who says "you would if you loved me" and "I'll still respect you in the morning", Other Women say to men:"I don't want anything from you"... YEA RIGHT! <P>Yep, XOW said that repeatedly and my otherwise brilliant hubby fell for it! Now he gets to say "DUH" every time he writes the ch-support check. What a hard way to learn.<P>Thanks Mrs.J<p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited July 16, 2001).]