I have posted a couple times regarding this but for anyone who hasn't read my posting, here is the history of my event. D-day was over 2 months ago. W said she had a one night stand while I was gone on a month long business trip. We have been married for about three years, but our jobs kept us living apart for almost 16 months of that three years(we would visit once a month during the 16 months). Our jobs finally allowed us to live with each other and after being together for about 7 months I had to leave again for 1 month. She said she was lonely while I was gone and overall unhappy about our marriage and our 16 months of being apart. She said she did not feel that bond we use to have. While I was gone she saw her parents and had dinner with some friends and one night she invited OM over to watch a movie and one thing led to another. She said she is very sorry and feels very guilty and wants to work this out. We are in counseling and everyday is a little better. The OM does not know the baby is his and we are not going to tell him. We both agree our living apart really effected our relationship. Bottomline, we lost our connection we use to have but are working on getting that back. <P>My questions/concerns are that I am not sure how to feel about the baby. I believe the baby is innocent and therefore I don't think I have a grudge against this baby. However, I am not too excited right now about being a dad. Our families/friends keep congratulating us but they don't know the real truth. I think I am strong enough as a person to love this child but when will I get excited about this baby? We just had a ultrasound done and it was pretty neat to see the baby dancing around. I am just confused right now because of everything that has happened. I am worried that the baby may look like the OM. Any advice??<BR>For those of you who have replied to me in the past, thank-you. <BR>

Hi there Hutch,<P>I am on the other side of the spectrum, with H having fathered a child, whom I have never seen in person...but it is my understanding that most of hte people on this board, men and women alike, seem to learn to love oc for being a child. And in this case it seems this child will be Your child since you will be the oen to be there and raise it. How can anyone expect you to be excited right now? I certainately would not, just pray for God's Grace.<P>There are many on this board who can give you hands on advice and support. I do not have that experience but I wish you and your family the best.<P>Love and Prayers<BR>bw

Dear Hutch,<P>Well, I can't speak for my H's feelings, just what I see day in and day out. I was/am in your W's shoes. Our D is now 4 mos. old, and the joy of our familie's lives! I believe that my H was right where you were at for most of the pregnancy. Not knowing what or how to feel. We even talked about it a couple times, and that's what he told me. I realize what a hard time you are going through, but you can and will love the baby and get excited about it as well. Abbi is now a major focal point for my H. He enjoys coming home and seeing her big toothless grin when he greats her. She has never been anything but his D. He says that it doesn't matter what others may think or feel, she will always be his. My parents, sister and a cousin know the truth, and H's whole family knows(not by our choice, but that's another story), and everyone is accepting of Abbi as a true family member. <P>It's like others said to us(or my H) when we were where you are at right now, once the baby is born, and you hold it in your hands, you wonder what you were so worried about! I have to admit, I was even nervous to have them put her on my stomach right away, not knowing exactly how I felt about it myself! I can't tell you how you will feel, or when you will feel it, but everyone was right in their advice to us at that time of our recovery. Each person has their own way of dealing with the true facts, and healing process. Just know that if you are willing to raise and love this child, it will come to you when the time is right. It may be before the baby is born, or during the delivery, or even a couple weeks or months down the road. Just be there for the baby and your wife, and keep your heart open to the baby, and the love will be there.<P>That is what we went through, and how we are right now.<P>Tigger<P>PS Do you know if the baby is a girl or a boy? Has your W ever posted here, or felt the need to? I am more than willing if she has questions, or needs to "talk" to someone.

hutch,<P>I'm assuming that this will be your first child, right? So some of these questions are going to be very normal concerns coming from a first time father-to-be.<P>My wife had an "OM" baby too. But it was our third, so I'm in a different situation than you are. I was a little concerned about the situation, but I knew firmly that I loved kids, and figured that I would love this one too. And I do---he's been a joy for us, a gift from God. He's also a "daddy's boy", which helps to create those terrific feelings.<P>I would suggest that if abortion has been ruled out as a solution, that you just ride this out. Are you committed to the marriage (and is your wife)? There are several legal situations that you should be aware of---if you accept this child as your own, but end up divorcing down the road; you'll be looking at sizable child support payments. There are ways to deal with that---such as a divorce (and remarriage), or contesting paternity. I know that those situations aren't what you're planning for---you want to be happily married and enjoy this child. That can happen.<P>One last thing---if you decide, after the child is born, that you really can't deal with having a child at this point in your life; then adoption is a realistic alternative. Probably not to Mom---but it's certainly something you could discuss.

Dear Hutch,<P>I am sorry for the pain that you must be going through right now. You are so fresh from D-day. <P>I am not in your situation. I am married to a man who had a child by an affair. We have no children of our own--yet. We are trying to adopt since I am infertile.<P>However, I was/am a child born of the situation you are in now. My parents had no children and they split briefly. My mother got pregnant by the man she left her marriage for. My dad (the man who raised me, not my bio-father) said that he didn't care that she was pregnant. He loved her and wanted her back. I am the first of his 7 daughters. He went on to have three more children with my mom. I wish that I could say that things worked out for them in the long run, but they didn't. They kept their marriage going for 13 years and then divorced. He had three more daughters with my step-mother. So, the count is :<P>1 non-bio (me)<BR>3 bio w/ my mother<BR>3 bio w/ my step-mother<P>My dad has always adored me. In fact, I am quite certain that I am his favorite out of all 7 of his girls. (All my sisters are quite certain about this also and less happy about it than I am. He says that he has been a part of my life for every important moment--except the least important--my conception.<P>I only found out the truth 5 years ago when my family had to go through genetic testing for a birth defect I have and that my sisters are potential carriers of. My folks had to tell me because they feared that the truth would come out through the genetic tests.<P>Growing up I always sensed something was wrong. My mother was way too protective of me and less protective of my sisters. Maybe that is just because I was a fragile little girl (but now am a very strong woman) or maybe it was because I was a little different than the rest. From the age of 5 to 7, I was pretty certain that my dad was not my father. Maybe I was just a kid trying to figure out biology and how your dad was really related to you if you grew inside your mother, or maybe, as my former shrink suggested, I sensed some unease in the family. After all, there was a secret about me and one that could hurt a lot of people. My grandparents never knew how I was conceived and the only people who know now are my sisters and my parents.<P>It wasn't really until I was in my early 20s when my wedding pictures came back that I realized that I don't look a thing like my dad and all my sisters do. My H says that's not a bad thing since my dad is not nearly as handsome as my mother is beautiful. I appreciate the thought but asked him not to say it anymore because I would love to look a bit like my father. I miss the bio connection, but I know that I am his daughter in every other sense of the word.<P>I wish you all the best, no matter what path you choose. <P>MJ