<p>[ June 26, 2002: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</p>

I'd be pissed too!<P>Your H needs some practice with boundaries. He has his responsibilities, XOW has hers! Her life is her problem, not his! (do they still work together?!) If you are in agreement, remind him that he will have visitation after DNA and how you guys can be sympathetic to XOW when she whines is: "gee, that sounds really hard. It sounds like you need more help. What do you think YOU(XOW) will do about it? We'll see OCs next visitation." She has to get over relying on your H and have her OWN support system.<P>OOOOOR, you guys might tell XOW that is she cannot *handle* (or afford) raising these children, you and H would be happy to take primary custody and XOW could see them every other weekend!! Just a thought! I know of one case where the W told the whiney moneygrabbing XOW that and it shut the XOW right up!<P>PS I'm happy for you that you were doing great despite the stress! When you get on a good roll like that, the setback do seem to get shorter and shorter.<BR>Godbless,<BR>J

I agree, our OW also whined about how hard it was and H told her that we would be glad to raise the OC so she wouldn't be so burdened...she backed way off!<BR>I am lucky though because H agrees that she chose this situation knowing it would be on her own so he reminds her of that when she tries the guilt trip thing.<BR>Good luck!

I have to agree that you have every right to be extremely irritated.<P>Have you and your husband established a POJA based on the Harley principles? (Nothing is to be done without enthusiastic agreement of both parties.) Perhaps he should quit reading e-mails from OW? Or, at least ignore the ones that have nothing to do with your agreed upon involvement with the OC.<P>The emotional problems she is having are the types of problems that single parents face and deal with ALONE. Single parents visit their sick kids in the hospital alone. Single parents handle all school problems alone. Single parents miss work for their kids' appointments as well as their own. Single parents handle financial struggles on their own. Single parents figure out on their own who will watch their children when they need to work OT. Single parents deal with exhaustion and their own personal problems alone. Bottom line: Single parents NEED GOD!<P>IMHHHHO, you and your husband are not obligated to uphold OW emotionally?!! I disagree with that? Maybe next time she e-mails him with a whiney story about how tiring single parenting is, he could simply reply that, "Tina and I will be praying for you," and just leave it at that?

Tina<BR>I truly understand your misery. It's H's reaction more than anything that bothers you, right?<P>Poja needs a little work. Decide together what to do about further communication. When H comes to "your side" you will face it all together knowing in advance the plan. It won't be easy...just better.<P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Thanks Jenny, Tryin,BTDT, and Gem for words of wisdom. As for taking over custody, no way, I am too darn old for that, pushing 49 here, and not yet ready to even meet the 3yr. old let alone the baby. Communication is the one thing H and I are really trying to work on. What ticks me off is the ow keeps harping on H "what role do you want in ocs life" well they have discussed it over and over, they have set up visitation schedule, cs payments, I think he has made it clear. I think she just likes to stir up the pot when she sees that things are progressing smoothly here on the homefront, and I think H is starting to see that also.

Tina,<BR>Your OW sounds somewhat like our OW. She probably just wants some "in" with your husband. She isnt getting HER needs met so she is pulling out all the guns. Our OW tried that, didnt work, now she is trying a new tactic. I know how hard it is to get H to do the right thing. My H would rather bury his head in the sand. I told him to write a letter stating exactly what he means since she cant take a hint. He says no way. I reminded him that just ignoring her will not make her go away. He seems convinced it will....ugh! Good luck and hang in there. By the way, BTDT, nice response. Glad to see you have walked through our fire and are still here to give advice. And I am NOT being sarcastic...dont want to be misinterpretted. <BR>

Hi Tina,<P>If I didn't say it already, welcome to the board.<P>We were in a similar situation. My H's A ended a few months after the child was born so OW was used to using him for emotional support about how difficult it was to be a single parent, etc.<P>The PA ended just a couple of weeks before I learned of the A and OC. However, the EA continued for months beyond D-day. he wasn't telling her that he loved her anymore (although she was still saying it to him). He was trying to be her friend and emotional support. It was the hardest part to get her to stop calling him, him to stop taking her calls, and for her to start standing on her own two feet and use people around her for support instead of my H.<P>This behavior made me more furious than the A. I thought that once the A was discovered he would work like a maniac to repair the damage that he had done to our marriage. Instead it took him longer to begin to recover than it took me.<P>Today we are peaceful. She doesn't call and I love not having her as part of our lives. We used to have visitation (long weekends since we live 2000 miles apart) but for now it is on hold until everyone can get their emotions under control.<P>Getting OW out of our lives was the toughest part for us. H felt so guilty and so obligated for "getting her pregnant" as if it were something he did by himself.<P>MJ<P>

Mrs. Job,<BR>Thanks for welcome. <BR>Your comment about H feeling guilty and obligated about "getting ow pregnant" is exactly what my H is going thru. But I think the light is finally dawning. Last night after weekly visitation he had a conversation with ow about he can not ever let her moods affect our lives again like it did on Monday. He told her that she will have to find someone else to be her support system, and he will never be that to her again, strictly business. Hopefully things will start to fall into place soon. I wish my ow and ocs lived 2000 miles away instead of 2 minutes. <BR>Tina<BR>