My H called from work to read an email he got from OW. First, some background, OW has been allowing me to pick up oc at daycare a couple of days a week so that he has less time with strangers and she can work more overtime. This has limited contact with h and ow and has increased contact with me. The last few times h or ow have met to exchange oc, I have been present so there was little to no conversation.<BR>Just prior to agreeing to this there was alot of verbal arguing between OW and H over the phone. H told her we had spoken to a lawyer but wanted to avoid a battle. She came around and we are trying to schedule a time where we can all sit down and meet to put something in writing. She seems to want to avoid court at all costs.<BR>Anyway, back to the email. My H printed out 7 pages from the computer filled with how sorry she was for saying anything to hurt him and that she realizes he is a good father. She just thinks if they talk more that he will understand where she is coming from. This has been so hard on her and she feels bad that she said things that made H angry (her words). She wants H to be a part of OC life so he may see what a great dad he has, etc. H read the whole thing to me over the phone.<BR>I, of course, have my own opinions, but I asked H what he thought of the letter when he was done reading it to me. He said he thinks she is coming around and realizes he is going to do what he says he is going to do. <BR>What I heard was, "talk to me more...I want you in MY life..." <BR>See, she first wanted H out of oc's life without any cs. When H wasnt comfortable with that she played games while he was paying cs and they fought verbally over visitation. Now visitation has been handled and contact has lessened so this letter.<BR>Is this a typical pattern of OW trying to worm her way back into H life more or am I overreacting? I told my H that we need to take this to our counselor and ask for suggestions. H said that would be fine. I have tried the OW contact only going through me, but there are times I just dont have the strength to want to talk to her. H then takes over reluctantly and passes on the necessary info. I am always present and the conversations never last more than 60 seconds, but is this causing more problems? We dont have anyone who could be the go between, no family in the area, no clergyman, no close friends that we trust with this. I just dont know what to do.<BR>I told H that we need to have the meeting to get things in writing and make it clear to her that contact with HER will be minimal at best. Contact with OC is the objective, but I dont think she wants that...help

Dear Tryin', <P>Well, I think that it may be better if you did end up taking it to court if she keeps putting off getting together to do the paperwork. I know that is the last thing you want to do, but it may be the only way to get the point across. <P>JMHO<P>Love,<P>Tigger

Thanks tigger,<BR>She is willing to meet with us and get it in writing. We had already scheduled a time, but I came down with the flu. We just havent rescheduled yet. She does not seem reluctant to get things in writing, but I think she is reluctant to stop interacting with my H.

if they just talk more, hunh? HA! I agree with you that it sounds like she wants him in HER life! No need for him to do this!!! What would be so terrible about court? How about mediation or arbitration?? I'd rather it all have legal standing, personally.<P>Sorry to hear this development, but it sounds like your marriage can handle it... and good for you!! You have risen above the muck to be nice to your H and OC without caving to witch--Amen!

Do you think OW is trying to increase CS? And in order to do that, she must be apologetic and "nice" to you and your H?<P>I agree with you that she doesn't need more conversation with your H. You guys should really go to court tho, because then, the court trustee would be the middle man.<P>H pays the court, the court pays her and it is based on your income so when you put your EXPENSES on court papers MAKE SURE that they EXCEED THE INCOME on paper. If it looks like you have a bunch of money saved, court will conclude that you can give more...<P>You probably know all of the above already, but it will DEFINITELY eliminate yourselves all having to meet and coordinate things amongst yourselves, have a bunch of conversations, etc., especially if you don't want to deal with all the emotions of it. Court can even instruct how visitations are to be handled, if you so choose.<P>The court will demand a blood test because they need their proof for the record. That might be traumatic for OC, but necessary.<P>Wonder why she is avoiding court? Doesn't she know that after OC reaches a certain age in some states, she cannot apply at all, and unless there IS a court date in place, there is no way to qualify for retroactive CS?<P>Perhaps you could use this info to "encourage" her to protect OC, esp., since she has no reason to believe that you guys will not hold up your end of the bargain? I know, this sounds terrible in writing, but I wonder why she is avoiding court at all costs? Is she afraid there is a chance that the baby is NOT your H's??????????????

Trying,<BR>Bull!! No talking necessary. Period.<P>Ow here wants to know why H won't call is she such a threat? to me? YES she's lethal. She cries about the avoidance. To bad! She wants to be friends for the baby's sake. Pitiful isn't it?<P>Court is the only way now. Being nice didn't work!<P>Bless you,<BR>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Men are inherintly gullable and this ow is trying to ingraciate herself to him.This reminds me of when our exow gave my H wine glasses for us to celebrate our lives together when they broke up. This happened after she had plotted to get pregnant and reel him back into her life. Sad,sad,sad. When someone in ow's case really comes along, they are obviously sincere and they have moved on with their lives. Plots and schemes, that is all these women know!

Thanks to everyone who responded. I know, I know, we need to go to court. The real issue is that WE cant afford it. All parties are fine with the CS including OW. We have also come to a general consensus on visitation. Due to CS, we have no money left over to pay for any court costs, lawyers fees, etc. Between bills, counseling for H and I, CS, and extra things for OC, clothes, food, etc(in our home) we have nooooo money left over. We dont own a home, we dont have savings and if we do go to court, we already know we will have to pay more CS due to my H income, which is less than 25 a year anyway. We have spoken with a lawyer, but he also suggests we try to stay out of the courts. We are currently stuck between a rock and a hard place.<BR>Please dont misunderstand, I am not whining, I am just stating our reality. I think we can avoid the court but maybe only until she finally sees the my H is NOT interested in her, just her son. <BR>Anybody have a ballpark figure of costs for court/mediation?

Dear Tryin,<BR>Hmmmmm... I'm not sure if you really need a lawyer? Try contacting the family court in your area or even the court trustee and see how to set up a meeting? I know, it's quite a hassle, but at least everything could be legally established and minimize contact for once and for all.<P>In my case, MM had a lawyer, but I did not. I have no idea of the cost? But, there ARE court-appointed people who handle the paperwork, and give advice, etc.<P>Another thing I remembered, and that is YOU guys can be listing the OC on your taxes as your dependant! If OW is single, she can file as head of household and everyone benefits taxwise until you all agree to something different. Hope this helps. My continued support and prayers are with you. God will provide.

HI there...I dont like to be disagreeable, but respectively I must disagree with the tax advice given. If I misunderstood what was said then I apologize. Ow can not file as head of household unless she is claiming oc as dependent. You can make a deal with her where you can switch years claiming oc. But just be careful and make sure you know whos year it is because then it becomes a matter of who gets there first or if she gets pissed and files a greivence with the IRS you would then have to take the oc off your return and pay the $$ back (with penalties and interest of course). And remember that even if you guys claim oc as a dependent (if oc lives with ow) ow can still use oc for earned income credit. If this is something you all decide to do...just watch whoever files your taxes (if you have it done). I have watched fellow employees for years and they have a tendency just to automatically put dependent down as EIC without asking the taxpayer anything.<BR>Hope this helps some.<BR>Love<BR>bw