Hi all,<BR>I just found this site. I too am married, 15 years, and recently learned that H has a child with OW. I have spent most of the day going thru all the posts and am amazed at all your strength. The one that had me laughing was the poll about what the OW looks like. It had me laughing but then had me upset. I feel the same as most of you, "our" OW is not attractive and yes, it makes me glad that I am much more attractive. But I can't help thinking, what the heck does that say about ME and about my H that I stay with. Why would he risk ME for someone UGLY? It just makes me feel worse. I mean I could almost understand better if she WERE really pretty but the fact that she isn't makes ME feel that my H must not think much of me and it makes ME lose a lot of respect for him. Does anyone struggle with this?

Bonniebb,<BR>Affairs are not about looks. They are about opportunity.<BR>Ow in my case was younger but not prettier.<BR>It doesn't matter. Really it doesn't. The betrayal is the worst thing about it. <BR>Just my opinion.<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Bonnie,<BR>Welcome to the board! Sorry you're in the same boat. Re: looks, ditto what Gem said. A.s are about opportunity, unmet needs, weaknesses, personalities, etc. <P>Look forward to your posts,<BR>J (in recovery 3 years )

Bonnie, <BR>Glad you found this board. I am fairly new here also, and have gotten wonderful advice and support. <BR>Ditto to ladies above, OW much younger, but nothing special,just a long workplace friendship that turned to EA and PA.<BR>Tina

Hi Bonnie,<P>I am so sorry to have to welcome you to this site, but I am glad you found us. How long have you known and how old is oc? How are you and hubby now?<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Broken_wings

Welcome to our little world which seems to be expanding daily. How sad, huh? <BR>Get this...went to pick up oc at daycare last week and one of the employees asked if I was oc's aunt. I just said yea to get out the door. She says, I thought so, you look like MOM!!!! AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH! I thought I would vomit. We are the same height and similar build but we do not look alike. Even now my stomach turns. Oh well...what next. Welcome, again.

Bonniebb,<BR>I lost all respect for my h slowly it is coming back its been two yrs now. I really dont think it has anything to do with what our h were thinking of us. I think it has to do with how the ow made our h feel like they were big heros or something of the sort. The nasty nellie in our case is super ugly insecure little twit. In one sense it made me feel better and in another it made me really discusted with my h and I really hated him that he could be so low as to involve this piece of crap in our lives. But really how many brite, pretty girls would go after a married man try to distroy a family and allow herself to get knocked up. It still makes me sick and sometimes I still have bad days but not nearly as bad as it was. Time is the magic word, it seems to just take time to believe what we are seeing is real. I really think mine has learned that this has been the hardest thing he has ever had to do is to get back what he destroyed, but he is slowly winning me back. For me it is taking alot of action. I dont believe the words anymore.<BR> So sorry you have to be dealing with this crazy world we live in. with love flowerseed

BonnieBB,<P>Welcome to the board. I too am sorry that you have to join our ranks, but I am glad that there is support out there for all of us. I don't know what I would have done without this place.<P>Our OW is 9 years younger, pretty (but not as pretty as I am) she is brillant (great success at university and work but no more so than I have had), however I have a very bad weight problem and she is a stick. I try hard not to compare myself to her.<P>I think that the others are right; affairs are mostly about the WS and what they were thinking and feeling. I think most of them enter this thinking it will be harmless and that the spouse (whom they still love) will never find out and never be hurt. It really says much more about the WS than it says about us.<P>Welcome to the group,<P>Mrs. Job

Thanks for all your replies. I have only known 3 months. The OC, a boy, is almost a year. My H hasn't seen OC since I found out and wants nothing to do with OC, which is really the only way I would be able to have it. I just can't deal with it. I trust him that he won't see OC behind my back but sometimes i wonder why I trust him, or even stay with him. OW got pregnant on purpose. The affair lasted a little over two years. We have twin girls of our own, 11 years old. My H says he's sorry, she chased him etc etc. OW gets child support and wants H in OC's life but he doesn't want that, or so he says. Anyway, I am legally making sure OC can't get inheritance etc. I don't know though, sometimes I look at my H and hate him and I think that he's the one who created all this and I wonder if I am wrong to feel about OC the way I do. Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite since after all, I stay with him and I don't want anything to do with a little baby. I guess this confusion is normal.

Hi Bonnie,<P>Sorry to see you here... this is a helpful place to be<BR>when this hits your life.<BR> <BR>Have to run, baby's crying. Hope to hear from you more.<BR>Take care.

I too hate to have to welcome you to our place of solace. But am so glad that you found us.<P>I am currently adjusting the toothpicks that hold my eyelids up, so bare with my short post.<P>yes, the OW wasn't about us. It was about how they made our H's feel. whether it was an ego boost, good sex, or just pain ole good conversation.<P>My OW is a single mom with three other illegitimate children by two other different men. She has no car, and lives in a nasty dirty apartment. She has a mustache and is a nagging witch. (he admits to the nagging even when he was doing her). but what was her pull, great head with no responsibility and she told him what a great guy he was.<P>So now.... i give him great head and always tell him what a great guy he is... and i keep the nagging to a butt naked minimum. LOL <P>Don't let that whole "why would he choose that tramp over me" get you down. Remember... that's what she's thinking about you right now because your H is in your bed every night next to you! <P>Keep you head up girl. You've come to right place. We will make you laugh, cry and be pissed.... probably all in the same day. Welcome again,<P>Z.<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Hello Bonnie, I too would like to give you a very warm welcome. I would also let you know that you have come to the right place and would just like to ditto all that my dear friend Zebra has just said. She is sooooo right, the ow is not the issue. Mine too is nothing to look at. She was there and offering, I was home and never offering. He took it and thought he would never see her again. A one night stand that happened just one more time and then hello guess what you are going to be a daddy. Zebra is right the ow are the ones wondering why not me, why did he not leave her for me. Keep your chin, stay strong, I am over three years into recovery and my h and I are doing for the most part great. Come here often and you will not believe what wonders these wonderful people here will do for you. I have been at my best since finding this forum. Prayers for you, Peace Gabi1116 BTW Zebra, did you ever consider buying nair for your ow's lip or let her know that there are salons that will remove that hair.

I have a good idea how about a piece of duck tape might get ya two for one, rip the mustache and them lips off all in one shot with love flowerseed

LOL. i would love to wax her lip, or maybe i could just leave the wax on over her lips too so she can't keep whinning to us! <P>Alas I won't have to hear it anymore.... please refer to my post titled.... I'm officially defecting to the other team.<P>Z.<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

ZEBRA!! What post?!?!? You don't have a post titled that! What team are you defecting to? Is your H giving up contact with OC/XOW? <P>Inquiring minds want to know! <P>(I'm so happy for your recent breakthroughs!)

Bonniebb, I would like to say, welcome to the board, even though, I am sorry a board like this needs to exist.<P>Your pain is very fresh, and new. I feel for you. I'm sorry you hurt so much. ember

Dear Bonny,<P>Welcome to this board, sorry you are in the same situation. I am glad you found this site, let me tell you the ladies in this forum are great. They are always very supportive. I thank God, that I found this forum, where I can't take my anger for the pain that my h has cause me by having an affair and a child.<P>I have to agree with the ladies in this forum, affairs are not about looks, at least in my h case, ow is 7 years older than me, also looks older for her age not pretty at all.

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Enough! Please! Enough!<p>Membership here is a privilege, not a right! Continued harassment of any member can lead to loosing that right. This is directed at every member who engages in such activity.<p>Everyone clicked on the agreement for the rules and regulations of having this privilege. Please go to the link below and review that agreement.Agreement for use of the Marriage Builders Forum<p>Please use this message board for the purpose of Building Marriages! Not for personal vendettas or as a grudge match.<p>[ November 18, 2001: Message edited by: Xarelel ]</p>