6 of so weeks to go before possible oc is born, i'v known for 7 months, i find it<BR>very hard to keep positive at times. did any one out there<BR>know during the pregnancy and have to wait and how did they<BR>cope. i'm so weary of this hanging over our heads, does it<BR>get easier when you get the answer to paternity etc. will the child look like my husband if it's his.<BR> windfall

Windfall,<BR> I KNEW that ow was pregnant very early and learned of affair and the probability that the child was my hubby when the ow was around 4 months pregnant. The wait was toture and to top it off oc was born on my bday. What made things worse was ow didn't file for a month or so. Just try and focus on your marriage right now because if oc is your hubby's it brings a whole new bag of crap to deal with, cs visitaion ect. I understand you are three states away from ow, has she contacted you again? I wish there was a magic pill to take that would keep your mind off of it but there isn't just get your marriage as strong as possible now.<BR>

Windfall, I didnt know about preg. I learned when the oc was 2 weeks old by a phone call from ow looking for one last shot at trying to distroy us. I think she thought because she had a boy it would make a diffrence. It didnt h still wanted no part of her or her child. I dont really know what to say other then come here and say whats on your mind you have made it this far you can do it. Gem knew right away maybe she will be along with some advise. with love flowerseed

Dear windfall,<BR>I'm so sorry you are in this predicament. I gave birth to a baby out of wedlock and the father was a married man of a different race.<P>When my baby was born, and as he grew up, his skin tone and hair color did NOT resemble mine--extremely different--to the point where once when I went to pick him up from a new daycare facility, the teacher told a strange kid who looked more like me, "Your mom is here!"<P>I'm sorry that I don't know your story nor what you plan to do as far as involvement, but it ain't easy no matter what you choose to do. The only thing I can offer you is that when you feel weary, there is always Isaiah 40:29-31 to keep in mind:<P>"He (God) gives power to the faint and weary, and to him who has no might He increases strength [causing it to multiply and making it to abound]. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and selected young men shall feebly stumble and fall exhausted; but those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up close to God as eagles mount up to the sun; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired."<p>[This message has been edited by BINthereDUNthat (edited July 19, 2001).]

so it just keeps getting worse, ugh!<BR> windfall

Windfall,<BR>I found out 7 months into the pregnancy. The not knowing was one of the worst times for me. I like to attack issues head on, but could do nothing but wait. I tried to prepare myself for the worst, the oc being my H. When oc was born, I knew, even before the DNA was returned. He looked like my h immediately which deep down showed me what I was afraid of. It then took another month for us to get the DNA results. The waiting is awful.<BR>The others are right, there is more to come if the oc is your ws, but for me, it was not as difficult as the waiting. But the rest of it isnt necessarily better...<BR>Hang in there! Prayer and alot of reading helped me the most. Oh and of course this forum was a true blessing!

Dear Windfall, <BR>I too found out about A and pregnancy with about 3 months left till due date. It was a very difficult time with me, especially since H and OW work together. So H had to deal with my emotions at home and OW emotions of the upcoming birth. I thought I had begun to accept my situation until the day oc was born, wow, all that pent up rage came spewing out, did I think this was an elephant gestation period? For two days I was like the tazmanian devil. Now oc is 3 1/2 weeks old, it is a bit better, H will be involved with both the ocs. I have yet to see either nor do I plan to until they get their acts together and take the dna tests. This board is a great source for venting and advice, it is the once place I feel safe in expressing myself. <BR>Tina

Windfall<P>My special brand of trauma began blatantly in October 98. I knew immediately about OW and the fling. She conceived in Late November 98 and I knew in early January 99...just a few weeks into it when my husband asked to come home.<P>The worst part of it for me was hoping and praying that the child was not my husband's but knowing deep in my soul that it was, but still hoping, by some miracle that she boffed someone else around the same time.<P>I think what is so difficult for us during the time they are pregnant is that the pain we are experiencing is like nothing we have ever known before, our hearts are broken beyond description, we know we will never be the same, we are in denial, in shock and the pain truly cuts to the bone and everything seems unrealistic and insane...how could this happen to us and to our special marriage and most of all, how could he do this to me? Why didn't he protect us from something like this happening that will change our lives forever?<P>The anticipation of the "what if's" and the fear of the unknown was especially powerful, so much so, I got on a plane and flew out to meet her. I had to find out what I could about her, what she intended to do, etc...<P>I was insanely jealous about all this, still am I suppose, because I am unable to have my own husband's child but some stranger was able to pop one off without any effort at all. I was also jealous, and still am, that my husband had sex and a whirlwind romantic fling with someone else. <P>During her pregnancy, I obsessed about her, what they did and worried that her having this child would pull my husband away from me and toward her and the kid. I was frantic that my twenty year investment of history, devotion and my deep love for my husband meant so little that he would abandon me for an OW of six weeks, all because she chose to keep a kid she had no business having in the first place.<P>The good news is none of these fears of abandonment came to pass once the OC was born. There was no 'pull', he had no interest in the OW and was desperate to regain some normalcy back into our lives.<P>We have gone through all the stages together and have emerged intact and cohesive, not without battles and scars, but with a renewed commitment that is so intense, it stuns me.<P>The next few months will be tough but you can take this time to work on your marriage and get and give reassurance to and from each other and study the Harley principles and learn about the Rules of Honesty and Protection and the Policy of Joint Agreement which will see you through the difficult times ahead. Wondering what the OW is going to do with the OC is worrisome, too. However, these days, unfortunately, they almost always keep the kid, which is tragic and selfish, but they have their reasons for keeping the OC. So, you need to discuss the 'what if's'.<P>This is all so raw and new to you that you will just have to get through this the best way you can and focus on healing the marriage and try to get through the stages of grief and anger the best way you can. Time is an amazing healer as well...let time take care of some of this for you.<P>You'll be in my prayers.<P>Catnip =^^-

thanks for the help, i'm so weary of making excuses why<BR>i look so worn out to people and pretending everything is<BR>fine, not exactly something you put on the prayer list at<BR>church. i'm doing pretty well considering i think but with<BR>no break in sight it becomes daunting. the word after the <BR>fact is that the ow was very permiscious, you know how <BR>people talk once someone leaves the scene, aparently with<BR>people the nights proceding and after my h's day. i got to<BR>get treated with antiboctics for something nasty she left behind with him. the ow cant even know who the father is<BR>but i guess i just asume the worst, it's too much to hope to<BR>be spared the consquences of h actions. sometimes i don't <BR>care if it is h because then i don't have to pretend we have<BR> a flawless marriage to the world, how about that for being<BR>selfish, i might get admired for sticking with h instead of <BR>feeling like a sap sometimes for staying after such a betrayal. it's amazing the thoughts that fly through my mind, my 5 happy kids keep me thinking straight though, can't be selfish with that kind of responsiblity, lots of<BR>insentive to keep sane and rational. winfall

Windfall,<BR>I knew when ow was around 2 mos. preg. It was a complete nightmare for me the whole time. It was winter and I couldn't tell till the very end she really was pregnant. I saw her everywhere. I was wishing she lied.<P>I watched the newspaper everyday for a month before the birth to read it. It was in on a monday. I didn't know she had baby on sat. I cried for hours...tears that this was really happening...that she also had a boy...that the child would have a terrible life when he found out his parents were never married....that our son would be greatly affected by this... that her other 3 kids would grow to despise what she had done to their lives over the A...they lost their dad....he moved thousands of miles away because of his embarrassment....my H wanted nothing to do w/her but now I didn't see anything but her interfering in our lives forever!<P>Then after a few days acceptance came. It was something the baby or I couldn't change. I felt so sorry for him for having a lunatic for a Mom.<BR>She's been a lunatic ever since.<BR>I can say it's like a snail...time passes so slowly....then one day you think you're ready for the news but you never are.<P>It took a month for ow to go for dna. It took 3 wks for the results.<P>All of it a terribly emotional period in both our lives.<BR>She kept his sperm against his wishes. There ought to be a law!!! It's nothing short of breaking another commandment"thou shall not steal"....as she was accidently switching birth control pills!! Once she received the stolen property H couldn't do anything. So she ran with it and has caused nothing but misery for everyone around her.<P>No, it doesn't get easier windfall....prayers to you.<BR>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Dear Windfall,<P>Sorry for the grief you are going through right now.<P>I did not find out until the oc's first bday.<BR>I often wondered what I would have done had I known<BR>we were both pregnant at the same time...it's not<BR>easy.<BR>The op in our case also slept around and<BR>I have the same questions as you do about<BR>who is the unlucky father...<BR>I'll keep you in my prayers. All the best for you<BR>and your family! Remember we are all here for you.<BR>Love, fluke<p>[This message has been edited by fluke (edited July 20, 2001).]

Dear Windfall,<P>You can always be added to our prayer list! In fact, consider it done.<P>I didn't find out about A and OC until OC was about 4 months old and H had just ended the affair so I don't know what the waiting is like. I imagine it is horrible.<P>We did add our names to the prayer list at church. H was facing tumor surgery at the same time and he also lost his job. I went to the hospital for depression. So, there were plenty of reasons beyond the A for people to be praying for us. When people asked our pastor why we needed prayers he just said "All of us need prayers. The Jobs are going through a very hard time right now and we should just pray for them." He knew the details, but didn't share them with the congregation.<P>The worst part for me was that I pulled back from my church because I couldn't attend w/o bawling my eyes out. I have only recently gone back now that I am in better control. I don't like to appear weak in front of others. My pastor says that is when you need church and your faith family more than ever. <P>So post, post, post, vent, vent, vent, pray, pray, pray (no matter what your faith is). Find a good counselor and use that benefit to the maximum. Often if you tell your insurance company what is going on, they may allow you to see your counselor more than 1x per week, or may approve a private counselor for you and a marriage counselor for the both of you. <P>Consider yourself {{{{{held in prayer}}}}}<P>MJ