Hi all,<P>I know that this is going to sound funny because we are only 10 months past D-Day but I feel like we are 90% or more of the way to being recovered. I hope I am not jumping the gun here by saying that. (I move through life's traumas rather quickly. I need to because there have been, including the A, 4 life traumas this big in my life since 1995.)<P>I am at the point where I can go hours w/o thinking of A and OC, and a couple of days at a time w/o talking about it with H. We don't have and don't seem to need big conversations about it anymore, usually I just have a quick question or comment. My biggest hurdle was getting the onoing contact stopped between H and ex-OW. I knew the PA was over, but he continued to be her emotional support for many months after D-day. I am confident that that has stopped and he truly is out of the fog.<P>So... my long-winded point is does there come a time when you need to let go of your support a bit? Does reading about affairs (books, this site, etc.) only prolong the pain? I don't want to leave here, but I think I need to gain some better control over my habit of checking in here 6 or 8 times a day. It is a bad influence on my work habits. (I am lucky to have an employer that doesn't check internet usage as long as you get your job done.) Also, browsing through some affair books last night really got me upset again. Can this become like a sore tooth that you can't leave alone?<P>I don't want to leave the support I have found here and I don't want to leave when others are so new and in so much pain. I want to help others and let them know that recovery is possible, hard, but worth the work.<P>MJ<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Job (edited July 20, 2001).]

I have also wonderedn the same thing. I s rehashing and talking about the situation a good thing? I sometimes think that if I wouldn't talk or type so much about this , that I might be able to move on.Reading and reading again about the subject of infedelity and oc makes me more obsessive I think. But I continue to do it. The oc is almost 2 and I battle with it almost constantly, everyday. I live with a knot in my stomache. I am thrilled if I go an hour w/out thinking about it. You sound further along than I am. Try not checking the iste for a week and see how you feel. I can't hurt.

Mrs. Job:<P>I've been here for nearly three years. Even when I showed up here, it was less to receive support than to give it. I go through periods where I won't post as much (because of time constraints, frustration with the "flavor" of the boards, etc)---but I've been pretty successful at keeping my participation here at a "professional" level---giving advice based on the MB principles, without having my heart ripped out by each new situation I encounter. I feel no pain by participating here with regards to my own situation---perhaps a rare twinge once every three months. but nothing major.<P>If you can stay and "detach" from it, you can be a great source of help. If it wears you down from a personal standpoint, it's probably best to take some time off and reevaulate your participation.

Mrs. J I've emailed privately with former members of this board, two of whom were just fabulous and will probably never come back, for this very reason. I sometimes spend *too* much time here too--it's addicting. I've had to take breaks but I keep coming back. I'm not 'stuck' in my life but I enjoy supporting others. If the board is a downer in your life instead of the support it once was, take a break. Maybe email a few people privately. I've read that too much internet is a contributing factor to depression. It could be a replacement for real and more fun actual-human-time interactions. <P>Blessings,<BR>J

Hi Mrs. J<P>I too have felt the same way. We've moved away, and are starting a new chapter in our lives, but I seem to be drawn to this board. I am trying to wean myself off it because I sometimes read the situations here and confront my h or wonder if he's doing the same thing. I came on the other night when I was feeling depressed and read about that HORRIBLE ow who posted in the church bulletin. I my heart broke for our sister. My husband walked in as I was bawling. He said "I thought the board was supposed to make you feel better." I was already feeling sad, but that didn't help. I can honestly say that I'm probably having more good days than before, and I expect that to increase; however, when I approach the board on my bad days, it sometimes make it worse. I appreciate Jenny's words of wisdom on this matter.<P>ivc

Well for me dd was in Dec 97 and I was on another board after I found out and after awhile it seemed to refresh the anger/pain/ etc so I stopped checking the board so often, My H was seeing oc behind my back for about 5 months and dd for that was in March and it was after he decided he did not really want a relationship with oc, itwa s anothe betrayel and I found this board which is wonderful but I find I am checking it much less often maybe once a week but I do find that it does tend to keep it fresh in your mind when things are getting better betwen my h and I sometimes I read a message on the board and it comes back and kicks me in the face and I take it out on my h, so for me the board has good moments and bad but all in all it is a wonderful place just too bad we all have to be in this position,

Well, I have a different spin on this. I for one, love coming here to hear the fabulous sucess stories of those that are having victories and those that have made it through the storm. <P>I come here to have my wounds treated when things aren't going particularly well in my own life.<P>And I feel good about giving encouragement to my dear friends who may be going through rough spots.<P>But what I enjoy most is giving back. When I have had a mini breakthrough, or found something that worked in my situation, I feel good about sharing it. I hope that at least one of us can take something good out of what I have written.<P>I know for a fact that many things that women have written here have affected the way I think about my situation and how best to deal with it. <P>I don't seem to experience what you ladies have referred to above. I don't think this place encourages me to dwell on the OW/OC. Maybe it's my Wellbutrin that keeps me focused on better things. LOL You know those drugs are amazing!<P>Z.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Mrs.J,<BR>I feel like Zebrababy does. I feel comfort in reading all of the situations here and how people think we should handle them. This place has been a lifesaver on many occasions! The advice is terrific, the words are comforting, the friendships are incredible. Like a family.<P>Now IVC I'm sorry my post saddened you so. I am leaving my parish over this and plan to talk to the diocese over this in the future.<BR>Retraction will be today. It will read....<P>oc first name only(therein lies my anger as C doesn't yet have our name) son of Mrs.OW married name. <P>I argued w/priest and H did too. He offered a 3rd retraction but if he would have done it the way we asked in the first place there would be no need for that. I feel my church has blasted me. All the girls in the front office know our last name and someone should have questioned if that should be in print. Still not able to hook up w/attorney. I want to ask if there's anything I can do to ow/church. Time is on my side....and so is God....I fear nothing...I'm just sick of turning the other cheek...maybe I should just give it up to God...."Revenge is mine sayeth the Lord"<P>Sorry I went off....<BR>Love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

[QUOTE]Originally posted by gemini1:<BR>Now IVC I'm sorry my post saddened you so. I am leaving my parish over this and plan to talk to the diocese over this in the future.<P>Dear Gemini1<P>My heart went out to you regarding the discussed situation. You and your family were definitely in my prayers that night. <P>I do have to say that this board has been a life line. All of you here have been with me and helped me through some REAALLY rough times. Many of yoour success stories have paved my path and that of my marriage with hope and encouragement. There have been those who have shared their stories and triumphs with me on this board when I needed to hear them the most. There are such wonderful women on this board who give so much of themselves to help the rest of us through our times of sorrow and pain: cdcollins, broken wings, fluke, my cross, texas girl, jenny, mrs. J, there are just so many WONDERFUL people here willing to lend themselves. I appoligize for not listing all of your names. Your stories of strife and triumph help many of us along the way. <P>Even though I have some bad days, where I feel worse by going to the board, the good days far outweigh that and push me to continue to check the board. <P>ivc<BR>

I mostly hung out on GQII to give encouragement because the Harley principles have really helped my marriage thrive and we are still benefitting from all we have learned. There has been no A, but we were on the verge of splitting up last March when I stumbled onto this site! I found the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, which literally turned our marriage around. Oh, and the Love Busters Questionnaire was quite eye opening esp. when I thought I was perfect. NOT! <P>But when I eventually visited this board, yes, I found that there was SO much pain and seemingly open, bleeding wounds that needed some attention. When wounds are not tended, they turn infectious and could eventually kill a person!!! I think emotional wounds kill faster than physical wounds because they gnaw at us from within and destroy the essence of who we are! Nothing in this earth has the power to do that when God is available and willing to help us because nothing can separate us from His love!<P>Problem is, I was an OW not a BS, BUT... I raised an OC who turned out okay with extremely little involvement from MM & his W. MMs marriage is intact, OC does not know MMs children nor his family, has never visited their home, just all the things that people worry about how it will affect OC? So I basically came here to say that this OC turned out all right! And, I'm praying that the others will turn out all right, too. <P>When I look at my son today and see what he is compared to what I was at his age???? I KNOW there is a God! And I am fully convinced that since God is taking such good care of this OCs spirit, He'll do it for others!

Dear Mrs. Job<BR>Your name tells me that you have a persecution complex--perhaps justifiably so--I was there, perhaps, I still am. Just be aware of what that means and be aware of the possibility that you can change to a different, more positive role for yourself<BR>Checking here several times probably isn't the greatest idea, but then, you won't be doing that forever. While you are here, you know the basic framework that everyone is familiar with--and that nearly everyone has a strong commitment to searching and making a valid attempt to save your marriage/make it better. You have no such assurance with the majority of counselors.<BR>I have received a lot of support and want to thank everyone for commenting re the problems that I have mentioned. I (we) have a lot of work to do, yet, but it is getting better. <BR>You know, that having discussions here really can be problem solving--I'd rather do that than make boat payments for an attorney!<BR>Hang in there<BR>r

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by roger:<BR><B>Dear Mrs. Job<BR>Your name tells me that you have a persecution complex--perhaps justifiably so--I was there, perhaps, I still am. Just be aware of what that means and be aware of the possibility that you can change to a different, more positive role for yourself<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Roger, I am sure that this was meant well, but.....OUCH!?!?!? I'll bet that there isn't one regular member of this board who would tell you that I have a persecution complex. I handle things with more dignity, grace and an outrageous sense of humor than almost any I know. In fact, any one that my pastor, our marriage counselor and most importantly, my husband knows.<P>'Lest you think that discovering my H's affair and his child was the lowlight of my year just let me run through a couple of things--in March 2000 my H began going blind, July 2000 H lost his job, in July 2000 they thought he had a brain tumor, in Sept. 2000 I discovered affair and OC, in October 2000 he had tumor surgery (which, Praise God, was benign), in April 2001 we lost the adoption of three children, two of whom had lived in our home last summer and whom we came to love as our children. My H is still unemployed a year later (due to the massive depression he went through because of his affair), the IRS has attached 100% of my wages due to an error our tax attorney made 4 years ago and we are at the end of our financial assets. Now...if those aren't the trials of Job, I don't know what is. I suppose my name could just as well have been Mrs. Daniel-in-the-Lions-Den.<P>Also remember, the story of Job is not really a Biblical story of suffering, but it is the story of faith that can't be shaken even when faced with huge and unexplainable human tragedy. It is the story of a man who did not give in to the tempation to despair and neither will I. <P>I asked a serious and I think, legitimate question; there does come a time when too much time spent going over the same material does become counterproductive. I don't know if I have reached that point, but please do allow me the right to ask the question. I don't think that my question in any way disparaged those who may chose to stay here for a long time, forever, come and go, or make a final goodbye to this board and thank everyone for the wonderful support in a very difficult time. I think all of the above choices are equally valid. <P>I think you seriously misread me and my post.<P>Mrs. Job<P>

"And the Lord turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends: also the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before." (Job 42:10)

Mrs. Job<BR>Your tale of woe is alarming, and your name does say how you feel about the burden or your life at this time. That is not a bad thing.<BR>Please re-read what I wrote.<BR>This is a supportive place and as things are resolve and come into better perspective you will visit it less.<BR>Don't feel too badly about coming here "too" often, even when you do get replies about your name that seem critical, when they are not meant to be.<BR>good luck<BR>r<BR>ps I believe more than a few readers feel a bit persecuted in their current marital state. That would seem normal to me considering what we are going through.